Thanks for the help, Google, but you can stop now

The Internet is a wonderful, magical place filled with mountains of information on every subject you could possibly imagine, but let’s face it: somebody needs to tell Google that there are some things we just don’t want to know.

Take, for example, a recent conversation I had with my gracefully-aging but non-net-savvy father about a pair of defective winter boots:

Dad: These stupid boots are falling apart. See how the seam between the leather and the rubber is coming unglued? Do you think contact cement would work?

Me: I’m not sure. We could always Google it. Maybe there’s a product out there specifically designed to repair winter boots.

Dad (typing at his computer): Let’s see… I guess I need some kind of bonding agent. Let me just search “rubber”, “leather” and “bondage” and see what we come up with…

Me: NOOOOOOOO!

Accidental sadomasochism aside, there are other times that a seemingly-simple web search can go awry. Like yesterday, for instance, when yours truly dared to look up information about (cue scary bold-and-italic font)…

A VASECTOMY.

Like any mature and open-minded man who has reached a certain stage in his life, I’m considering undergoing a (gulp) vasectomy. The idea seems simple enough. Medically speaking, it’s a safe, reliable, effective form of permanent birth control. It’s also an outpatient procedure, and after it’s done you simply get up from the doctor’s table and walk out. Most men experience only minor discomfort, and side effects are reportedly relatively rare.

Nevertheless, there is one critical element in the scenario that’s impossible to overlook, which is…

THEY CUT A HOLE IN YOUR SCROTUM.

Now I can hear you female readers angrily clicking the comment button already: “You’re kidding, right? They cut a tiny little hole in your scrotum? Quit your whining. Until you’ve given birth, buddy, YOU DON’T KNOW pain! You men are such weenies!” (Pun probably intended.)

And let me quickly point out that you’re right. On behalf of the male gender, let me state for the record that I’ve personally witnessed the act of child birth. Not only can I attest that it’s excruciatingly painful, but also a clear violation of the laws of physics.

On the other hand though, women fail to appreciate the special relationship we men have with our, um…manjigglies. They are the most sensitive and vulnerable organs we have, and we are extremely protective of them. Ask any guy in the world and I guarantee that he will be able to immediately and vividly recall a time in his life when he took a random shot to the love spuds and spent several agonizing minutes writhing on the ground, curled up like whimpering hedgehog, praying that a passing emergency medical caregiver would end the misery by dropping a huge rock on his head.

So with all due respect, I don’t think that women can truly comprehend the paralyzing shock of fear that shoots through a man when he contemplates the prospect of allowing someone to take a sharp instrument and…

CUT A FREAKIN’ HOLE IN HIS SCROTUM.

Nonetheless, I’m a rational individual who likes to make informed decisions. One should seek out accurate information about these things, such as the facts contained in the pamphlet I picked up from my urologist. It’s entitled, “So You’re Thinking of Getting a Vasectomy: Permanent Birth Control for Men,” and I read it as carefully as I could, considering that I had my eyes closed the whole time.

What one should NOT do, however, is load up Google and willy-nilly start clicking. This is a catastrophically bad idea, because you’ll end up reading “helpful” anecdotes like this:

“One of my buddies got a vasectomy and something went wrong. His sperm backed up and two weeks later his scrotum exploded in his car in the Burger King drive-thru when he drove over a speed bump too fast.“

Or…

“My friend lives in California, and he was getting a vasectomy. Right after the doctor made the incision, the San Francisco earthquake happened. The operating table shook so violently that both his testicles fell out and rolled across the floor.“

Even the advertising is terrifying, like one site I read whose promotional material boasted:

Please note there are no metal clips used in our procedure, so no foreign bodies are left in your scrotum. Instead of metal clips we use a dissolvable thread.

Metal clips? Foreign bodies left your scrotum? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Don’t even get me started on something called Post-Vasectomy Pain Syndrome.

Bottom line, thanks for your help, Google, but more information is not always a good thing.

So will I proceed with the procedure? At this point, I’m not sure. But if I do go through with it, I can tell you one thing with unconditional certainty: I will absolutely be completely and utterly unconscious the entire time.

And I sure the hell am staying clear of Google.

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