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Thanks for the help, Google, but you can stop now

The Internet is a wonderful, magical place filled with mountains of information on every subject you could possibly imagine, but let’s face it: somebody needs to tell Google that there are some things we just don’t want to know.

Take, for example, a recent conversation I had with my gracefully-aging but non-net-savvy father about a pair of defective winter boots:

Dad: These stupid boots are falling apart. See how the seam between the leather and the rubber is coming unglued? Do you think contact cement would work?

Me: I’m not sure. We could always Google it. Maybe there’s a product out there specifically designed to repair winter boots.

Dad (typing at his computer): Let’s see… I guess I need some kind of bonding agent. Let me just search “rubber”, “leather” and “bondage” and see what we come up with…

Me: NOOOOOOOO!

Cant_unsee

Accidental sadomasochism aside, there are other times that a seemingly-simple web search can go awry. Like yesterday, for instance, when yours truly dared to look up information about (cue scary bold-and-italic font)…

A VASECTOMY.

Like any mature and open-minded man who has reached a certain stage in his life, I’m considering undergoing a (gulp) vasectomy. The idea seems simple enough. Medically speaking, it’s a safe, reliable, effective form of permanent birth control. It’s also an outpatient procedure, and after it’s done you simply get up from the doctor’s table and walk out. Most men experience only minor discomfort, and side effects are reportedly relatively rare.

Nevertheless, there is one critical element in the scenario that’s impossible to overlook, which is…

THEY CUT A HOLE IN YOUR SCROTUM.

Now I can hear you female readers angrily clicking the comment button already: “You’re kidding, right? They cut a tiny little hole in your scrotum? Quit your whining. Until you’ve given birth, buddy, YOU DON’T KNOW pain! You men are such weenies!” (Pun probably intended.)

And let me quickly point out that you’re right. On behalf of the male gender, let me state for the record that I’ve personally witnessed the act of child birth. Not only can I attest that it’s excruciatingly painful, but also a clear violation of the laws of physics.

On the other hand though, women fail to appreciate the special relationship we men have with our, um…manjigglies. They are the most sensitive and vulnerable organs we have, and we are extremely protective of them. Ask any guy in the world and I guarantee that he will be able to immediately and vividly recall a time in his life when he took a random shot to the love spuds and spent several agonizing minutes writhing on the ground, curled up like whimpering hedgehog, praying that a passing emergency medical caregiver would end the misery by dropping a huge rock on his head.

So with all due respect, I don’t think that women can truly comprehend the paralyzing shock of fear that shoots through a man when he contemplates the prospect of allowing someone to take a sharp instrument and…

CUT A FREAKIN’ HOLE IN HIS SCROTUM.

Nonetheless, I’m a rational individual who likes to make informed decisions. One should seek out accurate information about these things, such as the facts contained in the pamphlet I picked up from my urologist. It’s entitled, “So You’re Thinking of Getting a Vasectomy: Permanent Birth Control for Men,” and I read it as carefully as I could, considering that I had my eyes closed the whole time.

What one should NOT do, however, is load up Google and willy-nilly start clicking. This is a catastrophically bad idea, because you’ll end up reading “helpful” anecdotes like this:

“One of my buddies got a vasectomy and something went wrong. His sperm backed up and two weeks later his scrotum exploded in his car in the Burger King drive-thru when he drove over a speed bump too fast.

Or…

“My friend lives in California, and he was getting a vasectomy. Right after the doctor made the incision, the San Francisco earthquake happened. The operating table shook so violently that both his testicles fell out and rolled across the floor.

scissors

Even the advertising is terrifying, like one site I read whose promotional material boasted:

Please note there are no metal clips used in our procedure, so no foreign bodies are left in your scrotum. Instead of metal clips we use a dissolvable thread.

Metal clips? Foreign bodies left your scrotum? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Don’t even get me started on something called Post-Vasectomy Pain Syndrome.

Bottom line, thanks for your help, Google, but more information is not always a good thing.

So will I proceed with the procedure? At this point, I’m not sure. But if I do go through with it, I can tell you one thing with unconditional certainty: I will absolutely be completely and utterly unconscious the entire time.

And I sure the hell am staying clear of Google.

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About Ad-libbed (3 Articles)
He is 26% husband, 31% father, 24% humorist, 43% guy responsible for picking up the dog poop in the backyard, and 87% guy who never really understood how percentages work. He is tolerated by his wife, two teenaged daughters, and the indefatigable Superdog. He writes, rambles and muses about any topic that grabs him, and every gripping adventure committed to print becomes completely riveting in his own mind. He’d be incredibly rich and famous if it weren’t for the fact that he's not, and for some reason he's written this in the third person.

28 Comments on Thanks for the help, Google, but you can stop now

  1. “Manhinglies” just became my new favorite euphuism. Thanks for that!

    Like

  2. This cracked me up!!!!!

    It’s rare we hear of a males perspective when it comes to something medical or health related. Quite frankly, some men run and hide at the verbalization of the word “doctor.”

    I concur about your thoughts on Google. In this technologically savvy society we live in, it’s quite easy to Google everything.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Like

  3. Jen Tracy // August 8, 2014 at 3:41 pm //

    Reblogged this on The Most Interesting Person You Don't Know and commented:
    Gotta love Google!

    Like

  4. This is so funny! My hubby is about to have the procedure so I’m definitely sending this to him. You are not alone! Lol 🙂

    Like

  5. This was particularly funny. Thank you for that. Also, I will probably cringe for at least the rest of the day at the mere thought of someone cutting a hole in my scrotum. Solidarity brother.

    Like

  6. Too funny! Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  7. natsumezhimo // August 9, 2014 at 8:15 am //

    True indeed. Google may become the reason I die.

    Like

  8. Hehe love it i laughed so much ^-^

    Like

  9. Reblogged this on reclaimed & repurposed and commented:
    Good laugh for the day. How true.

    Like

  10. This is why is switched to Bing. But I also want to say you wife appreciates you for even looking into this. My husband nearly vomits if I even say vis. Lol.

    Like

  11. Good blog – very funny ! Those stories though… I need an adult. Lol.

    Like

  12. “Manjigglies” when will this word be added to the Scrabble dictionary?!

    Like

  13. FRANKLINY CELLULAR

    Like

  14. Excellent Post!!!!!

    Like

  15. That’s do true wow…eye opener!

    Like

  16. To funny! I haven’t laughed this hard in awhile. My husband is DEATHLY afraid of getting a vasectomy, and he hasn’t even googled it. It sounds horrifying, albeit all the pain and suffering women have to go through with childbirth, our periods, etc. etc.
    I love the term, “manjigglies”. Thanks for cracking me up today.

    Like

  17. Sometimes it’s best NOT to Google, because, like you said, terrifying things we find there cannot be unseen!

    Like

  18. So true!! I’ve even seen Free Vasectomy billboards in various parts of the country. Scary stuff.

    Like

  19. So true!! I’ve even seen Free Vasectomy billboards in various parts of the country. Scary stuff.

    Like

  20. Thanks for the laugh! This was a nice post to read today. Google can be very annoying at times. And the vasectomy thing…I know that’s tough for a guy! Glad my husband didn’t google it before he went, because if he did I’d have 9 more kids by now.

    Like

  21. Reblogged this on The Angel Above Us and commented:
    This is really funny, and just totally true. This expresses this totally fucked up internet that we have.

    I…cannot…UNSEE!

    Like

  22. meganblom7 // August 15, 2014 at 1:36 am //

    This is oh soooo true! I made the mistake of Googling a procedure after the fact and I just about died. I felt like going back to the hospital to slap the surgeon that did that to me! Advice: If you’ve had it done don’t look back, if you’re about to have it done, speak to a doctor or two…NOT GOOGLE!

    Like

  23. Love spuds… hahaha! love spuds…

    Like

  24. Raymond P Cowie // October 2, 2014 at 8:54 am //

    Those women who say ‘men don’t know pain’, have never caught their dick in a zipper!

    Like

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