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What Really Sandpapers My B@!1$

Contrary to what most of you likely believe, I can actually read and shit. No kidding. I won’t blow your mind by insisting that I typed this myself, and my lips didn’t even move. That would be digressing.

Do you know what really sandpapers my b@!1$? The endless series of news pieces that breathlessly announce precisely what sort of horrid crap we eat.

(Note: Howard – the ‘Manager’ – insisted on me spelling ‘balls’ that way. I asked him if he didn’t have a government somewhere to shut down.)

Back to my rant – WE ARE EATING CRAP. You know what’s really, really sad? Most of us can look at a food label and understand that we eat crap on a deep level. Not all of us are Walter White, and know precisely how Polysorbate-60 works chemically, or how to manufacture xanthan gum. You’ll likely recall my screed on Twinkies, and my utter wonderment at why anyone who can attempt to phonetically pronounce all 37 Twinkie ingredients from their soup coolers would keep ramming those spongy death pills into themselves orally between attempts.

But it can’t just stop there. No, I have to then be regaled by the latest, white-hot news flash of the decade: bacon leads to low sperm count. Now, I don’t know about you, but at 44 I’m done in the baby department. I’m all for grandkids, and I’m all for keeping up my practice and skills, but actual protohuman rearing and ripening is simply not on my list of interests. Delightfully, cramming bacon down my gullet by the handful is. So what you have here, people, is something analogous to a Reese’s: two great things that go together. I eat bacon, my sperm count plummets. I have no more kids, ergo I still retain funds for more bacon. Mazelfuckingtov (missed that one, Howard).

All my glee at this beautiful symmetry aside, I can’t help but wonder why anyone would waste print, paper or electrons on the subject. Does the author or website truly believe people will stop eating bacon? I rest my case. For evidence, I submit to you the jury: Bacon.

While the bacon-sperm count connection works to my favor, I picked up two more irritating pieces of ‘news.’ First, the revelation that chicken nuggets are not entirely chicken. As my Mama Rants would say, “Well, I’ll be dipped in shit and rolled in cracker crumbs.” Which, ironically, is exactly how chicken nuggets are made. In case you don’t know, Big Food has researched the precise list of chemicals that make us want to eat. Guess what nuggets are bound together conveniently with? Yep. That’s why kids, even when they watch a whole live chicken get La Machine-d and rendered into nuggets, still want nuggets.

Keep feeding your mini-me’s nuggets. You’ll get Honey Boo Boo in no time. If you dislike keeping tabs on active kids, this strategy will work in your favor because soon they’ll be unable to move under their own weight. Even better, you can graduate them to a new level of food addiction after the Nugget Phase: The Oreo Phase.

Yes, apparently Oreos – those delightful little racial equality analogies-made-real – are about as addictive as crack. I know, I know. This is NOT news to most of us. Point here is this: science just fuc… proved this theory we all hold. As a teenager, I once was forced to stop eating Oreos because of the bottom of the bag. Truth. I crapped black and white for two days, which was awesome, but still I think you take my point.

What’s my ranty point here? Simple. It is this: the food manufacturers in this country are addicting you and your kids to sugar, hypersugar, and a toxic blend of chemicals that appeals to the tongue and food-brain, but do nothing for your system. Every chicken nugget you watch fall down your offspring’s maw is making your kid’s problem later in life worse. I know, a jump in logic, but really it is true I believe.

In the meantime, I’ll sit here eating my carrots and apples, content in my near-60 pounds of weight loss simply by not eating this sort of crap. Word.

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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

48 Comments on What Really Sandpapers My B@!1$

  1. I guess I’ll trade in my chicken nuggets for Bacon because healthy.

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  2. There’s a Leftist/Beta Male/Weenie Boy joke in there somewhere. I just can’t find it.

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  3. I’m so glad you explored this. People don’t believe it when I tell them, either. For a while, I saved an interview with the man who helped develop Oreo cookies. He left the company because he knew the cookies were addictive, and the company wouldn’t do the honorable thing and take the addictive substances out. That cuts profits. There are chemicals in potato chips that suppress the ability to tell when you’re full. Isn’t that special.

    Who the hell knows what that stuff does to your hormones (horror moans?). Hormonal imbalance can cause symptoms that mimic mental illness and physical disease.

    30% of children under 12 are overweight. 1/3 of the adult population in this country is obese and a WHOPPING 70% of adults in this country are overweight. (CDC Faststats). You are absolutely correct–a change of diet is essential. Where are the enraged masses yearning to be feed…uh, freed?

    I suppose obese zombies can’t move as quickly.

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  4. Word. And don’t you dare touch my bacon if you value your hand! And fuc…LMAO.

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  5. NotAPunkRocker // November 4, 2013 at 8:28 am //

    Oreos used to be vegan, or at least they were when I went through that radical phase. Wonder why I didn’t lose any weight?

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  6. While reading this, on the TV they were showcasing the fried Twinkie Burger that some restaurant just put on their menu. For every step forward in good health, they are always two steps back.

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  7. I have a particular interest in this area so your words are music to my ears (or would that be to my eyes since I’m reading them?…) Oodles of dollars are spent by food manufactures to find the ‘bliss point’ to make sure we keep eating the products. It doesn’t happen by accident.

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  8. Moderation in everything. Including Oreos, bacon, and scratching your…what Howard said.

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  9. whiteladyinthehood // November 4, 2013 at 10:51 am //

    60 pounds! Just Wow! You are an inspiration. (and is it just me? or does that sperm bacon look like its swimming towards the egg? hhmm…funny)

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  10. I noticed you have BOOBS listed as one of your tags. Tell me, what do BOOBS have to do with bacon and twinkies???

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  11. And, just like anything you choose to indulge in, not all of them are good for you. Too much of a good thing, after all…

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    • True. The good news here is that I won’t eat Twinkies and am such a dork that indulging in boobs is pretty much an exercise in mental agility. That leaves bacon… sweet, sweet bacon.

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  12. If you’ve got to think about it, you’re doing it wrong. 😉

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  13. BTW: The comments are as entertaining as the blog entry.

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  14. I’ll say it again, bacon makes everything better. In fact, I think bacon might have to ability to bring about world peace.

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  15. Bacon Rules!!! Congrate’s on the weight loss. This was just fun to read and also informative.

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  16. Congrats on 60 lbs of weight loss Rants! I think these nuggets of information are only helpful in one way – if you’re trying to make a baby, cut down on bacon, if not, carry on my wayward son. Some good does come out of these food alerts – for instance, I was born with Spina Bifida (basically a malformed spinal column which in severe cases can be deadly or extremely disabling). Luckily, I have a mild form, so I just suffer from bad back & have since I was a kid. Someone discovered if moms-to-be got lots of folic acid early in their pregnancy it greatly reduces the risk of Spina Bifida. Good thing for babies & moms. Things like this are worth alerting the public about.
    I think the main thing is – everything can hurt you, but everything in moderation is OK. Have missed you on your own site.

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