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Social Saturdays Volume Six

October 31, 2015 // 10 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Halloweening, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if you’re [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Five

October 17, 2015 // 22 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Nipple Tweeking, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Four

October 10, 2015 // 32 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Pope Stalking, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if you’re [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Three

October 3, 2015 // 20 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Noodling, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if you’re not, [Click For More]

What Your Autocorrect Says About You

March 7, 2014 // 51 Comments

We all have hated upon our autocorrect when texting, emailing or other text-based functions on our allegedly-smart phones. “Fuck you, Autocorrect!” we scream from our cube farms. You might have been dumped in advance when you open with a flirty ‘Want to have fun later?’ and your evil phone corrected it to ‘Want to have fuck later?’ [Click For More]

The Bullet Points

February 21, 2014 // 57 Comments

The Bullet Points is a new segment where we make our resident life ranter, BrainRants comment on the headlines of the week. Think of it like poking a stick in a fire ant hill… 1) Blind man sinks 3-point shot at college basketball game Rants: It’s so great to know the visually impaired are now branching out of their referee positions and [Click For More]

How To Get Free Money For Life

February 7, 2014 // 38 Comments

Millions of people lay on their sweat-logged sheets each night, wondering when the financial hamster wheel stops. Today we have an answer: “HOW DO I SUCK DOWN FREE MONEY ON DISABILITY?” You’re hesitant. You’re unsure about how to permanently suture your lips to the government tit. Relax and enjoy the ride. Step 1: Obtain a Government job. [Click For More]

Interview: Taste-Testing Bizzare Foods

January 13, 2014 // 80 Comments

Ed Ames unlocks the studio door for me, as I enter the dimly lit corridor. “Shhhh!” he says.  “Remember, we are not suppose to be here.” “I know,” I mouth back. I am at a secret location which is an old  movie and TV set. We continue down the hall until we reach the aging wooden stage. On the stage sits a lone [Click For More]

Publicity Stunt

December 27, 2013 // 0 Comments

Originally posted on Breezy Books:
Christopher De Voss. Nice guy who writes some pretty cool stories and makes me laugh with his blog. I’m a fan since June of 2012. Are you wondering why I’m mentioning him, when I’m supposed to be yammering about Adam [Click For More]

What Really Sandpapers My Balls – 2nd Ed.

December 6, 2013 // 36 Comments

I’m certain you are all waiting in breathless anticipation for some Ranty® screed about Thanksgiving that will shame, highlight or compliment the other great writers here on LAP. Sorry – you’re not getting that. Overall, Thanksgiving is only slightly notched below the 4th of July for my personal favorite holiday. Besides, Howard made sure [Click For More]

Another Thanksgiving Without a Gravy Trough

November 25, 2013 // 47 Comments

Another Thanksgiving is here and once again my mom has put the kibosh on my gravy trough proposal. Six years have passed since I incepted this bolt of brilliance, and for six straight years my mom has refused to become a part of history. It’s all “Oh, it’s not tradition,” and “No, that would be disgusting, Justin, stop asking for [Click For More]

An Interview With Author Rodney Lacroix

November 22, 2013 // 19 Comments

This was supposed to be an interview with author and humorist Rodney Lacroix, but since the man decided to release a book* and get married in the same week, I decided to do him a favor…well, more his for his bride… I decided do the article without him. Rodney agreed to do the interview mind you, but I have learned that women are crazy, [Click For More]

What Really Sandpapers My B@!1$

November 4, 2013 // 48 Comments

Contrary to what most of you likely believe, I can actually read and shit. No kidding. I won’t blow your mind by insisting that I typed this myself, and my lips didn’t even move. That would be digressing. Do you know what really sandpapers my b@!1$? The endless series of news pieces that breathlessly announce precisely what sort of horrid crap [Click For More]

A Lurid Tale of Military Weapons Development

October 8, 2013 // 37 Comments

So I am supposed to write something – whatever pops into my defective head – upon seeing this picture. To be honest, my head about exploded, because Awesome Robot, and because Awesome Safe Sex. Actually, the second one not so much or so awesome, because No Junk Access (JA). Junk Access is important during sex, or so I seem to recall. I [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Takes On The Picture Prompt

October 7, 2013 // 20 Comments

Howard Gantz, manager here. It’s hard to believe it’s October already! Christmas is less than 90 days away. You are welcome for that thought! We at Long Awkward Pause have a great October planned for you! Speaking of October, be sure to grab your tickets to the L.A.P. Annual Halloween Costume Party. This years event will be held at [Click For More]

LAP Update: Tour Stop Canceled in Kalamazoo, Michigan

September 30, 2013 // 31 Comments

Howard Gantz, manager here. It is with sad and great regret that I have to announce the Round Table on Oct. 5th in Kalamazoo, Michigan with Long Awkward Pause has been cancelled. If you have pre-purchased your tickets please email me and I will either send you tickets for another event or refund your money. If you live in the Michigan area I [Click For More]