11 Hypothetical Breakups You Might Actually Care About

By now you’ve probably heard the news that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are “consciously uncoupling” (which is trendy, new-age speak for “splitting up”) after 10 years of marriage.

By now you’ve also probably forgotten all about it because not one part of you remotely cares. Gwyneth Paltrow is awful, and Coldplay is overrated. (…Except for the song “Yellow” whose lyrics about bleeding yourself dry for someone sometimes seem touching instead of super clingy. I guess “Fix You” isn’t so bad. “Clocks” and “Viva La Vida” can be nice sometimes, too. I guess Coldplay is okay, but one should never admit that outside of parentheses.)

GP and Chris Martin’s split and the many epic celebrity breakups that precede it got me thinking about how devastated we would be if some of our favorite classic pairs decided to “consciously uncouple.” Here’s hoping these twosomes below don’t mutually decide to split up anytime soon…

1. Bread and Butter

 

Yes.

If bread and butter went their separate ways, how would we pass the time at a restaurant while waiting for the real food to come? Would we actually have to engage with other people instead of carboloading and getting crumbs all over our lap? Sure, the olive oil and parmesan cheese is a nice variation when you’re feeling Italian, but nothing beats channeling Paula Deen and spackling a full pat of butter on some warm bread.

 

2. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

The Golden Globes has actually been bearable to watch since these two started hosting, and reportedly they’re going to be co-starring in an upcoming Tina Fey-produced flick. (No, it’s not Baby Mama 2.) If these ladies stopped being friends, the world just wouldn’t be the same.

 

3. Music Festivals and Every Fashion Trend You’ve Ever Hated

Can these people only exist at musical festivals, too?

Dear music festivals: Please never break up with crop tops, excessive fringe, ugly destroyed denim, “boho chic” dresses that look they came from the hippie maternity section, tribal patterns, harem pants, tie-dye tee shirts, feathers, jewelry incorporating those tiny teal beads, peasant tops that appear to have actually been worn by a peasant, and homemade flower headbands.

 

4. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

Once fashion-lovers have unsubscribed to Vogue because you and your partner appeared on the cover, you’re forbidden from ever splitting up. Kim and Kanye have altered the paths of peoples’ lives, and they simply can’t uncouple now. Former Vogue subscribers are going to miss Michael Kors’s latest collection of boring, basic clothes because of these two! DON’T LET THE FASHION BLOGGERS SUFFER FOR NOTHING, KIMYE!

 

5. Spinning Rims and an Oldsmobile That’s Worth $350

That looks so much better.

When these two are together, it’s so much easier to identify drivers we should hate.

 

6. Jay-Z and Beyoncé

If Jay-Z and Beyoncé ever uncoupled–be it consciously, unconsciously, or subconsciously–how could any of us feel the same about being crazy in love or drunk in love? Could we be anything in love ever again? Blue isn’t that far off from Apple… Let’s hope bad baby names aren’t statistically linked to couples uncoupling.

 

7. A Lord of the Rings Marathon and Every Weekend You Wanted a Rational Justification for Not Leaving the House

It’s all downhill after this meme happens.

A LOTR marathon is the best excuse not to leave the house because it’s obvious to everyone that you really weren’t enjoying your downtime. It’s usually at the 47 minute mark that you stop watching Frodo out of enjoyment and continue to stare at the TV for seven more hours only to prove to yourself that you could finish what you started. Without this duo, think of all the weekends you might actually have to get dressed!

 

8. Peanut Butter and Jelly

“The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life.” …For peanut butter and jelly’s sake, let’s hope it stays that way, because no one wants to eat sandwiches with either of these ingredients alone. The union of these two lackluster condiments defined a generation: those with bad taste in sandwiches.

 

9. Sour Cream and Onion

Forget salt and pepper (no offense Salt-n-Pepa), sugar and spice, and ketchup and mustard—sour cream and onion reigns supreme. Who came up with this, and why is their face not on a stamp? Why are my kitchen accidents never this delicious? (Editor’s note: If you figure out the proper execution of hot fudge and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, please inform Katie.)

 

10. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

Forever.

This is my “IF THEY BREAK UP THERE’S NO HOPE FOR THE REST OF US!!!!!!!!!” couple. We all have one.

 

11. Neapolitan Ice Cream

No one’s scooping like this. I don’t even know how this sorcery was accomplished.

Okay, technically this is a trio, but sometimes you just want get three ice creams for a price of one, eat the entire chocolate section, and then let the strawberry and vanilla remains sit in the freezer for a month or two until you’re really desperate. Sometimes a person just needs to have a small portion of delicious chocolate ice cream sharing a carton with two inferior flavors to be reminded to count his or her blessings in life. Please never split up, Neapolitan.

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