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11 Hypothetical Breakups You Might Actually Care About

issue #6

By now you’ve probably heard the news that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are “consciously uncoupling” (which is trendy, new-age speak for “splitting up”) after 10 years of marriage.

By now you’ve also probably forgotten all about it because not one part of you remotely cares. Gwyneth Paltrow is awful, and Coldplay is overrated. (…Except for the song “Yellow” whose lyrics about bleeding yourself dry for someone sometimes seem touching instead of super clingy. I guess “Fix You” isn’t so bad. “Clocks” and “Viva La Vida” can be nice sometimes, too. I guess Coldplay is okay, but one should never admit that outside of parentheses.)

GP and Chris Martin’s split and the many epic celebrity breakups that precede it got me thinking about how devastated we would be if some of our favorite classic pairs decided to “consciously uncouple.” Here’s hoping these twosomes below don’t mutually decide to split up anytime soon…

1. Bread and Butter

 

Yes.

Yes.

If bread and butter went their separate ways, how would we pass the time at a restaurant while waiting for the real food to come? Would we actually have to engage with other people instead of carboloading and getting crumbs all over our lap? Sure, the olive oil and parmesan cheese is a nice variation when you’re feeling Italian, but nothing beats channeling Paula Deen and spackling a full pat of butter on some warm bread.

 

2. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

tina-fey-and-amy-poehler

The Golden Globes has actually been bearable to watch since these two started hosting, and reportedly they’re going to be co-starring in an upcoming Tina Fey-produced flick. (No, it’s not Baby Mama 2.) If these ladies stopped being friends, the world just wouldn’t be the same.

 

3. Music Festivals and Every Fashion Trend You’ve Ever Hated

Can these people only exist at musical festivals, too?

Can these people only exist at musical festivals, too?

Dear music festivals: Please never break up with crop tops, excessive fringe, ugly destroyed denim, “boho chic” dresses that look they came from the hippie maternity section, tribal patterns, harem pants, tie-dye tee shirts, feathers, jewelry incorporating those tiny teal beads, peasant tops that appear to have actually been worn by a peasant, and homemade flower headbands.

 

4. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

Kim-Kardashian-Vogue-Cover-3269133

Once fashion-lovers have unsubscribed to Vogue because you and your partner appeared on the cover, you’re forbidden from ever splitting up. Kim and Kanye have altered the paths of peoples’ lives, and they simply can’t uncouple now. Former Vogue subscribers are going to miss Michael Kors’s latest collection of boring, basic clothes because of these two! DON’T LET THE FASHION BLOGGERS SUFFER FOR NOTHING, KIMYE!

 

5. Spinning Rims and an Oldsmobile That’s Worth $350

That looks so much better.

That looks so much better.

When these two are together, it’s so much easier to identify drivers we should hate.

 

6. Jay-Z and Beyoncé

beyonce-jay-z

If Jay-Z and Beyoncé ever uncoupled–be it consciously, unconsciously, or subconsciously–how could any of us feel the same about being crazy in love or drunk in love? Could we be anything in love ever again? Blue isn’t that far off from Apple… Let’s hope bad baby names aren’t statistically linked to couples uncoupling.

 

7. A Lord of the Rings Marathon and Every Weekend You Wanted a Rational Justification for Not Leaving the House

It's all downhill after this meme happens.

It’s all downhill after this meme happens.

A LOTR marathon is the best excuse not to leave the house because it’s obvious to everyone that you really weren’t enjoying your downtime. It’s usually at the 47 minute mark that you stop watching Frodo out of enjoyment and continue to stare at the TV for seven more hours only to prove to yourself that you could finish what you started. Without this duo, think of all the weekends you might actually have to get dressed!

 

8. Peanut Butter and Jelly

PB&JSandwich

“The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life.” …For peanut butter and jelly’s sake, let’s hope it stays that way, because no one wants to eat sandwiches with either of these ingredients alone. The union of these two lackluster condiments defined a generation: those with bad taste in sandwiches.

 

9. Sour Cream and Onion

lays%20sour%20cream%20and%20onion%20reformatted

Forget salt and pepper (no offense Salt-n-Pepa), sugar and spice, and ketchup and mustard—sour cream and onion reigns supreme. Who came up with this, and why is their face not on a stamp? Why are my kitchen accidents never this delicious? (Editor’s note: If you figure out the proper execution of hot fudge and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, please inform Katie.)

 

10. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

Forever.

Forever.

This is my “IF THEY BREAK UP THERE’S NO HOPE FOR THE REST OF US!!!!!!!!!” couple. We all have one.

 

11. Neapolitan Ice Cream

No one's scooping like this. I don't even know  how this sorcery was accomplished.

No one’s scooping like this. I don’t even know how this sorcery was accomplished.

Okay, technically this is a trio, but sometimes you just want get three ice creams for a price of one, eat the entire chocolate section, and then let the strawberry and vanilla remains sit in the freezer for a month or two until you’re really desperate. Sometimes a person just needs to have a small portion of delicious chocolate ice cream sharing a carton with two inferior flavors to be reminded to count his or her blessings in life. Please never split up, Neapolitan.

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About Katie (16 Articles)
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @bykatiehoffman.

75 Comments on 11 Hypothetical Breakups You Might Actually Care About

  1. Twindaddy // April 14, 2014 at 9:01 am //

    I’d be PISSED if peanut butter and jelly broke up.

    Like

  2. I can NOT count the ways in which I LOVE this – though I had to stop reading at #7 since I didn’t want to get called out for laughing whilst reading a blog at work. There simply was no way around the uncontrollable laughter… will definitely get back to it (yeah, right!)

    Like

  3. Also chips and dip, what would we stick in our dip, and what would we we dip our chip in? (Try saying that out loud, it’s suprisingly tricky. I just tried, and now I’m going to get the rest of the people on this train carriage to try).

    Like

  4. I think I would like to see Penn and Teller together for a while 😀

    Like

  5. What about… “Katie and Brilliance”?
    That break-up would suuuck…

    Like

  6. A stroke of creative genius right here. I loved this. I’d also be sad if John Mayer broke up with his douchebaggery, and Jennifer Aniston broke up with her insecurities and desperate need to be married.

    Like

  7. All excellent reasons to breathe easy knowing those couples are forever linked. For me, my greatest nightmare would be if Dos Equis just became Uno Eque, which would be really a dose of icky.

    Like

  8. Loved the post, Katie!

    Oh, and S’mores… Graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate. A third polygamous relationship.

    Like

    • We’re really going to get into how weird I am here, but I have a problem liking s’mores because of how messy they are. I love them, of course, but I could love them more if they weren’t so gooey.

      Think of cheesecake. That’s a delicious dessert with great constitution. S’mores are such a handful. I think I really draw the line at the ice cream cone in terms of dessert messiness. I had a cone this weekend (chocolate chocolate chip), and when I took the paper off the cone, I discovered it was starting to leak at the bottom. My enjoyment decreased a solid 7%.

      Like

    • Let’s not get too crazy here; I don’t mind eating brownies with my hands. Or cake/pie that doesn’t fall apart. Or cookies!

      It’s just the marshmallow ooze that kills the s’more for me. I take one bit, and pretty soon I have keep licking hot marshmallow off my fingertips, and then my fingertips are raw and I feel like the beginning of the movie Se7en, and then I can’t enjoy the graham cracker or chocolateyness of it all, and it’s just all very complicated.

      Like

  9. Neapolitan… hell yes., And points for being open to three-way polygamy! 😉

    But… have you tried Spumoni?

    Like

    • I have never tried Spumoni. What’s in that again? For some reason, whenever I see that flavor I feel like ham is involved. And this is really crazy, but Spumoni reminds me of this very specific image of a weird ice cream cone from Arthur on PBS. (I’m going to provide a link at some point, but it’s going to take a little digging. I just Googled “weird ice cream cone from Arthur” and got nada.)

      Like

      • I cannot believe Google did not respond well to that search. 😉

        Spumoni is cherry, chocolate, and pistachio (the Zeus among ice cream flavor gods).

        Like

    • My mom loves them, but I can’t get over the color of pistachios. It weirds me out a little that a nut is green.

      Like

  10. For sure on Tina and Amy. Their womance (Hey! I just coined that term right now! Kind of excited.) has brought many people joy.

    My never-break-up couple is Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi. There’s nothing not to love. Although I would seriously marry Ellen if given the chance.

    Like

    • if you hadn’t said anything, I’d definitely have thought “womance” was a cool term I just hadn’t heard before, so props for coining it here.

      I don’t think I’ve ever publicly admitted this, but… Sometimes I think Ellen is really annoying. I’m sorry. Her talk show drives me up a wall. She might be a great spouse, but I just can’t tolerate her at a human being level.

      Like

      • OMG, peeling myself off the floor right now. To me, Ellen is the freaking perfect human. Welp, different strokes and all that jazz. I’ll take her, you can have Louis CK 😉

        Like

  11. Did you loose your sense of Humor with Kim Kardashian and Kayne West? They are in a “Who gives a s*** category all of their own.

    Like

  12. I agree – I’d actively TRY to split ‘Kimye’ just because… but I’d stop at the deed with either of them because diseases. Some other suggestions for good topics here: bacon and more bacon, cheap beer and aluminum, blue cheese and bacon, french fries and a deer-lick worth of salt, beer and bacon.

    Like

    • See, I feel like there wouldn’t be much of a challenge in splitting them up. I’d get more satisfaction about ruining a more established relationship. Like Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford.

      Or bacon and you.

      Like

  13. I broke up with myself once, but it was over something stupid…so I got back together with myself only to learn I’m a real dick…so now I’m just in it for the sex.

    Like

  14. I’m not sure why, but I don’t really like Neopolitan. I like vanilla, and I like chocolate. It’s the pink part I think. The pink part with those slimy worm balls in it. Ewwww. Hold the pink part.

    Like

    • I don’t think you’re the only one who equates bits of strawberry with “slimy worm balls.”

      When I eat Neapolitan I feel like I’m accomplishing something instead of just stuffing my face, because I’m really only into the chocolate segment. If I can endure a little vanilla and some strawberry, I feel like I can consider myself productive. (I’m not normal.)

      Like

  15. Reblogged this on Christopher De Voss and commented:

    Long Awkward Pause:

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  16. I’ve heard rumour that 1000 island dressing has been on the rocks for some time. It’s dicey, because the pre-nup is a mo-fo (lawyers, right?). Then there’s the issue about supermarket shelf space limitations. Ain’t nobody got room for one thousand bottles of single island dressing.

    Like

    • HA! I’ve never understood what exactly 1000 island dressing is. Are there ingredients in it from 1000 different islands? If so, I’d like to know which islands.

      Like

  17. This is hilarious! Number 7 has to be my personal favourite: cuts deep!

    Like

    • Watching every LOTR movie always seems like a great idea when I see it on the TV guide listing, but I’m usually bored out of my skull halfway through the first movie. I like the movies! I do! It just takes so much out of you.

      Like

  18. You had me at bread & butter. If ever there was a couple that belonged together it would be them. They have outlasted many others and I would bet they will continue to. Of course, I’m a huge fan of the sour cream & onion chips as well.

    Like

  19. As a brit I think pb&j consciously uncoupling would be a blessing… Fish and chips separating however would be devastating

    Like

  20. I’m actually thinking of breaking up with with bitter. I’m just kidding.

    Like

  21. I think of Kim and Kanye’s union as a chemical reaction between sodium and chlorine. Separately, each one is a nasty thing, irritating, poisonous, and dangerous if you even touch or inhale it. Together, they neutralize each other to make salt, which is much less irritating and even, in moderation, useful. Okay, “useful” may be too generous of a word to use for Kimye, but I stand by mutual neutralization.

    Like

  22. How dare you suggest breaking up neopolitan icecream!
    Ok you got me.

    Drop by at my blog.
    neillbarry.wordpress.com/

    Like

  23. Well, I’d be ok if Neopolitan ice cream kicked vanilla out of the menage a trois. I mean, he’s a little boring anyway…

    Like

  24. The term “uncoupling” might be a modern phrase describing a break-up, but what’s wrong with the old term? Uncoupling just makes me queasy. It just screams privacy. I mean would you really want to see ANYONE execute an uncoupling? Didn’t think so.

    Like

    • To be honest, uncoupling sounds like some engineering term that describes what happens to the bolts on an old bridge or something. I have no idea why it conjures that very specific image for me.

      Like

  25. Glad you mentioned Ben and Jen. They are so sweet together. If they uncouple I couldn’t go on.

    Like

  26. If Fey and Poehler break up…I will never risk loving again, because truly there is no hope.

    Like

  27. Reblogged this on the "Amazing" Life of an Invisible Teenager and commented:
    I don’t know what I would do if sour cream and onion broke up…probably crawl into a hole and refuse to get out…..

    Like

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