Solving The Problem Of Movie Remakes

Let’s face it – Hollywood is not going to stop making remakes unless someone comes up with a brilliant solution. Hi, I’m Oma and this is my brilliant solution.

Hooray for, yeah,whatever. (Photo credit: Wikipedia, public domain)

When I got this topic, my first instinct was to rail against the problem. Why do they make some movies over and over? So many “creative” people are supposedly involved in the movie industry. You can’t tell me that no one has a better idea of what to do with a camera than remaking Dirty Dancing.

Let’s face it. I can say anything I want about the matter. I can rage, rant, rail, whatever. They’re still going to remake Dirty Dancing and then there will be two versions of it that I have no intention of seeing. I can say the same for the remake of Barbarella.

There is a remake of The Never Ending Story (didn’t see the first) in the works. I don’t know how they’d remake The Never Ending Story, given that no one knows how the first one ends.

No, I am not here to complain. I’m here with the solution.

I propose that we end movie remakes by encouraging them. Makes sense, right? Here’s how it will work.

Here I Come To Save The Day

A Hollywood producer looks at the scripts that are available for development into a film. He’s unhappy with the possibilities and decides to put his money into something tried and true – a film someone else has already done of a story someone else has already written.

Instead of the producer choosing the film he wants to remake, he must come to a panel and apply to remake a movie. He can’t apply to remake a specific movie, only to remake a movie. Which movie he gets to do will be determined by the Board Of Remakes.

The panel would have great latitude in making their assignments. Producers will have to do their assigned film and meet the requirements of The Board Of Remakes.

Zu bip bop bee, the dark side controls meeee! Da dot scoodly wah doo, Luke is my kid, Leia too. (Photo credit: Wikipedia, public domain)

A producer might be told he has to do a remake of The Godfather. But The Board’s assignments would never be as simple as just remaking a masterpiece.

What he would actually be told is to remake The Godfather, with an Elvis imitator playing the title role. And though the original did not have a narrator, the new version would be narrated by a pig who would have at least ten minutes of screen time in the final version of the film.

The Board Of Remakes would force the film industry to stay creative and find good writers. Producers would be less inclined to grab easy money by retelling a story if they knew that they could be forced to remake Star Wars as a musical, using only scat singers…or Gone With The Wind, as an ’80’s Kung Fu movie.

Keep Hitchcock From Rolling Over In His Grave

So there’s the idea. It will work, or it will make remakes really fun to watch.

It’s up to you to make your voices heard. Reach out to your legislators. Put this on their Facebook pages. E-mail it to them. Tell your elected officials this should be the law.

Or you can just sit around and let some putz remake The Birds.

P.S. If, by chance, anyone in the LAP readership is a film producer, I’d like the chance to pitch my Scat Star Wars idea.