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Solving The Problem Of Movie Remakes

Let’s face it – Hollywood is not going to stop making remakes unless someone comes up with a brilliant solution. Hi, I’m Oma and this is my brilliant solution.

Hollywood Studios 1922

Hooray for, yeah,whatever. (Photo credit: Wikipedia, public domain)

When I got this topic, my first instinct was to rail against the problem. Why do they make some movies over and over? So many “creative” people are supposedly involved in the movie industry. You can’t tell me that no one has a better idea of what to do with a camera than remaking Dirty Dancing.

Let’s face it. I can say anything I want about the matter. I can rage, rant, rail, whatever. They’re still going to remake Dirty Dancing and then there will be two versions of it that I have no intention of seeing. I can say the same for the remake of Barbarella.

There is a remake of The Never Ending Story (didn’t see the first) in the works. I don’t know how they’d remake The Never Ending Story, given that no one knows how the first one ends.

No, I am not here to complain. I’m here with the solution.

I propose that we end movie remakes by encouraging them. Makes sense, right? Here’s how it will work.

Here I Come To Save The Day

A Hollywood producer looks at the scripts that are available for development into a film. He’s unhappy with the possibilities and decides to put his money into something tried and true – a film someone else has already done of a story someone else has already written.

Instead of the producer choosing the film he wants to remake, he must come to a panel and apply to remake a movie. He can’t apply to remake a specific movie, only to remake a movie. Which movie he gets to do will be determined by the Board Of Remakes.

The panel would have great latitude in making their assignments. Producers will have to do their assigned film and meet the requirements of The Board Of Remakes.

Stars Wars - Darth Vader - Face

Zu bip bop bee, the dark side controls meeee! Da dot scoodly wah doo, Luke is my kid, Leia too. (Photo credit: Wikipedia, public domain)

A producer might be told he has to do a remake of The Godfather. But The Board’s assignments would never be as simple as just remaking a masterpiece.

What he would actually be told is to remake The Godfather, with an Elvis imitator playing the title role. And though the original did not have a narrator, the new version would be narrated by a pig who would have at least ten minutes of screen time in the final version of the film.

The Board Of Remakes would force the film industry to stay creative and find good writers. Producers would be less inclined to grab easy money by retelling a story if they knew that they could be forced to remake Star Wars as a musical, using only scat singers…or Gone With The Wind, as an ’80’s Kung Fu movie.

Keep Hitchcock From Rolling Over In His Grave

So there’s the idea. It will work, or it will make remakes really fun to watch.

It’s up to you to make your voices heard. Reach out to your legislators. Put this on their Facebook pages. E-mail it to them. Tell your elected officials this should be the law.

Or you can just sit around and let some putz remake The Birds.

P.S. If, by chance, anyone in the LAP readership is a film producer, I’d like the chance to pitch my Scat Star Wars idea.

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About omawarisan (25 Articles)
Most who read my blog don't know me from the man in the moon. But they seem nice and I am, in fact, The Man In The Moon.

35 Comments on Solving The Problem Of Movie Remakes

  1. I would actually pay to see some of these remake ideas – especially a kung fu Gone with the Wind. Scarlet would flutter her fan right before delivering a roundhouse kick to Rhett’s spleen. Pass me the popcorn.

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    • Rhett crumples to the ground, a little blood at the corner of his mouth indicates he is a gonnner, standard indicator in the genre. Scarlett snarls, “never forget Tara”.

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  2. I used to be on a committee making statewide decisions. There was this crotchety old fart who used to speak up when someone threw an idea on the table. He would say things like, “We did that 20 years ago. It didn’t work. That’s why we’re doing it this way now. Try something else.” I used to think, ‘Why doesn’t he just shut up!’ Then over the years I began to see the merit in having someone on the committee who had been there, done that.

    Wellllll….I find that the torch has been passed to me because I’m too ornery to die. What I’m seeing with the movie remakes is a lot like what I observed happening when I was going through the 1970’s. The Ford Thunderbird of the 50’s and 60’s became large and clunky in the 1970’s. The signature bell-bottoms of the late 60’s became wider and wider until people in their 5 inch platforms fell over when the bell from one leg wrapped around the other leg. In other words–the party was over but no one wanted to leave. The 1960’s saw cultural, musical, social and scientific changes spanning from “I have a dream” to “One small step for man.” Making the clothing (2 foot bell bottoms), cars (gas guzzlers), and hairstyles (afro) bigger made no difference at the end of the 1970’s. We still ended up with that dismal pilot for Star Trek Next Generation.

    So what do we do to make ourselves feel better bout the fact that the US is quickly losing ground as the worlds superpower? We kid ourselves into thinking that if we remake old movies using state-of-the-art special effects we’ll prove to ourselves we’ve still “got it.”

    All we have is the multi trillion dollar debt given to us by the Reps and the Dems. Remaking a movie isn’t going to make bankruptcy any easier to take.

    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 🙂

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  3. I say the members of L.A.P. become The Board Of Remakes, except Howard.

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  4. Love this. Could you work in a round of musical chairs, too?

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  5. “remake Star Wars as a musical, using only scat singers…” – – I would just piss myself.

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  6. Great idea…make the next remake of dirty dancing one where everyone ends up the victim of my little friend…

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  7. I really like the idea of a panel. Like, seriously.

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  8. misslapepita // September 21, 2013 at 1:23 pm //

    Playing it save will be the end of Hollywood. Shrek 10 will simply not be working out in the long run. New ideas might come with risks, but high risks also have high returns.

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  9. Wouldn’t it be awesome to remake Cats with real cats?

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  10. You have some fabulous remake ideas! I hope someone on the team is a producer. A Board of Remakes also seems like a great idea, too, although then someone would be held accountable. That could be problematic.

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  11. > Or you can just sit around and let some putz remake The Birds.

    Or worse, Psycho. That remake was pathetic…

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