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Read This Before You Lick Your Keyboard

Fun quiz here, people: one of the most germ-ridden areas of your house is:

  1. The toilet
  2. Your butthole
  3. The TV remote
  4. Your keyboard

You backspace A LOT


If you answered A or C, you’re close. If you answered B, you didn’t read the question, unless you happen to live up your own ass. I understand this happens to some people from the neck up, but I digress.


Check your status before trolling


The internet reports (valid source, just ask Facebook) that the average computer keyboard harbors between three and five times the number of germs found on the average toilet seat. The five most common microbes found here are:

  • Staphylococcus
  • Ebola
  • Cootiform HIV
  • Bow-staphylococcus
  • Zombie viruses

The HIV is the fabulous-looking one


I’m not sure why we’re being bigoted and only focusing on the ‘average’ keyboards and toilet seats, but we’ll overlook that.  The cause for this is apparently linked to the fact that people clean their toilets more than their keyboards, and toilet seats are often smooth and non-porous.  Keyboards have more nooks and crannies than an English muffin, and some models have more than a French muffin (which are overly-complex, require truffles, and snooty).


Sure… the toner exploded… right


“But what about the non-porous aspect?” you’re probably asking right now.  True fact: keyboards are generally non-porous and as such don’t suck up fluids well.  However, your tax dollars have been spent to show that the average keyboard is full of food bits, skin flakes, and… other moist substances.  The study pointed out that mucus led the pack, but I’m guessing that people who leave the mouse on the wrong side of the keyboard by accident are part of the problem too, if you know what I mean.  Browser histories were not part of the study.


Don’t act like you have no idea what we’re talking about


Either way, it’s the moisture that will get you.  All those creepy little biological bastards will reproduce all over the place and leap onto your hands while you type.  Consider that while you ram that donut or burrito into your mouth while you finish the TPS reports for your boss.


Time to move out of mom’s basement


So what do you do if you’re the average cube monkey who bangs out worthless memoranda and administrivia for your wage-tyrant boss?  The recommended solution is canned air and swabbing with alcohol.  Because we’re really civic-minded here at Long Awkward Pause, we’d go one step further: burn that keyboard with fire while you drink alcohol.


They lurk


You’ll of course forgive any typos in this piece.  Typing with the Level-4 gloves on is difficult and the mask faceplate makes the words kind of wavy.



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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

34 Comments on Read This Before You Lick Your Keyboard

  1. I wondered where I picked up this pesky zombie virus! Now I know!


  2. I’d type an actual comment, but I’m worried I’d catch the Cootieform HIV from my keyboard if I do.


  3. Henry Game // May 18, 2015 at 7:08 am //

    I answered B, I must admit, I didn’t reqd the damned question properly…good post, very funny.


  4. Reblogged this on moto254.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m typing this with my nose.


  6. And anyone who doesn’t believe you has obviously never taken a compressed air device (personally, i think the datavac is the BEST) to a keyboard. If you stop and think about what’s coming outta there, you’ll puke. AND this is why as a tech, I lysol everybody’s keyboards, mice, and phones, because while I am no germaphobe..those things get NASTY.


  7. Well, we’re all gonna go somehow, right? Might as well be thanks to typing away at work!


  8. Frankstireandauto // May 18, 2015 at 6:39 pm //

    Reblogged this on Frank's Tire and Auto and commented:
    Cleaning my keyboard right now


  9. Is there a vaccine for the zombie virus?


  10. I think I’ll go with option Bravo Tango Charlie and hire someone to type for me.


  11. Your post freaked me out so much that I decided to run the keyboard through the dishwasher. Now neither of them work. Any advice on how to break it to my husband?


  12. Thank you very much! I was just about to lick my keyboard but you’ve saved me from making a terrible mistake.


  13. Well, I’ll be picking up a packing of Lysol wipes on the way home now.


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