IWROTETHISINSIXMINUTES!

You know what I need? I need a cup of coffee. It’s 8:30pm here and I need to get this post done after waking at my normal 4:40am and doing a whole thirteen-hour day. Why? Because! But hey, I have coffee! And coffee has caffeine! Yay caffeine! Because hyper shit, and I stay awake and get stuff done.  Even better: it makes you poop!  Total win!

So while I do this, I’m also tweeting, answering blog comments, answering emails, answering the phone, talking to the fifteen Sybil’s in my head and winning the argument(s), and typing. Thank god for my computer, which is busy downloading all kinds of boobs movies and other great stuff that I can watch later, once I’m done. Next, I have to organize an entire thirty-tab spreadsheet that summarizes my last twelve years’ worth of financial transactions. This will be no problem, because coffee.

Am I really this hyper and reliant on caffeine? No. I make a pot of coffee in the morning and have some. I take some along on my three-minute commute (it’s three minutes because of road resurfacing here on my installation) and finish that at my desk. I’m off soda and other drinks with stimulants.

I didn’t used to be this way. Time was, I’d consume a twelve-cup pot of coffee with breakfast, sit and sip it in my office until lunch, and then I’d pause until the dreaded midafternoon coma hit as the carbs from my lunch saturated my blood and either made the sugar level spike or crash or go totally sideways. Whatever. I’d keep chugging it until my stomach lurched with pain, and then I’d mercifully drench it in a soda. Interestingly, I also used to wonder why I had insomnia, but I doubt there’s either a causal or correlational relationship.

Don’t get me wrong – I loves me my morning cuppa’ joe. It’s like heart paddles right at the point of need. However, I’ve found you can get through the day without significant stimulation. Lately I’ve noticed a marketing trend to hype our kids up on caffeine – as if they need that. I think most kids don’t need Ritalin at all – they just need a parent saying ‘no’ to Monster energy drinks or their own Starbucks’ card.

Here’s another thing I’m not saying – do not go overboard and start some talk about FDA regulation of shit like caffeine and nicotine. I need a little of each to continue existence. I don’t want the Nanny State telling me what I can and cannot choose to have in my morning beverage or in my cigarettes. They’re already trying to get my bowel movement schedule under Obamacare, but I think wiping my ass with the questionnaire and returning it should let them know how I feel. I digress…

Are we overcaffeinated? Absolutely. Is this bad? Quite likely. What is my damn point? This: you’re an American, and you have choice, at least right now. Don’t like the caffeine in your shit? Don’t buy it! Vote that wallet! Need artificial stimulation? Suck that sweet stuff up, because America’s the most productive nation on Earth, and by god, caffeine is driving that every day.

In the meantime, after I’m done hypertasking but before 2am when the coma hits, I’ll try coming up with something worth thinking about, like how to whittle down our national debt or make electric cars awesomer.