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You know what I need? I need a cup of coffee. It’s 8:30pm here and I need to get this post done after waking at my normal 4:40am and doing a whole thirteen-hour day. Why? Because! But hey, I have coffee! And coffee has caffeine! Yay caffeine! Because hyper shit, and I stay awake and get stuff done.  Even better: it makes you poop!  Total win!

So while I do this, I’m also tweeting, answering blog comments, answering emails, answering the phone, talking to the fifteen Sybil’s in my head and winning the argument(s), and typing. Thank god for my computer, which is busy downloading all kinds of boobs movies and other great stuff that I can watch later, once I’m done. Next, I have to organize an entire thirty-tab spreadsheet that summarizes my last twelve years’ worth of financial transactions. This will be no problem, because coffee.

Am I really this hyper and reliant on caffeine? No. I make a pot of coffee in the morning and have some. I take some along on my three-minute commute (it’s three minutes because of road resurfacing here on my installation) and finish that at my desk. I’m off soda and other drinks with stimulants.

I didn’t used to be this way. Time was, I’d consume a twelve-cup pot of coffee with breakfast, sit and sip it in my office until lunch, and then I’d pause until the dreaded midafternoon coma hit as the carbs from my lunch saturated my blood and either made the sugar level spike or crash or go totally sideways. Whatever. I’d keep chugging it until my stomach lurched with pain, and then I’d mercifully drench it in a soda. Interestingly, I also used to wonder why I had insomnia, but I doubt there’s either a causal or correlational relationship.

Don’t get me wrong – I loves me my morning cuppa’ joe. It’s like heart paddles right at the point of need. However, I’ve found you can get through the day without significant stimulation. Lately I’ve noticed a marketing trend to hype our kids up on caffeine – as if they need that. I think most kids don’t need Ritalin at all – they just need a parent saying ‘no’ to Monster energy drinks or their own Starbucks’ card.

Here’s another thing I’m not saying – do not go overboard and start some talk about FDA regulation of shit like caffeine and nicotine. I need a little of each to continue existence. I don’t want the Nanny State telling me what I can and cannot choose to have in my morning beverage or in my cigarettes. They’re already trying to get my bowel movement schedule under Obamacare, but I think wiping my ass with the questionnaire and returning it should let them know how I feel. I digress…

Are we overcaffeinated? Absolutely. Is this bad? Quite likely. What is my damn point? This: you’re an American, and you have choice, at least right now. Don’t like the caffeine in your shit? Don’t buy it! Vote that wallet! Need artificial stimulation? Suck that sweet stuff up, because America’s the most productive nation on Earth, and by god, caffeine is driving that every day.

In the meantime, after I’m done hypertasking but before 2am when the coma hits, I’ll try coming up with something worth thinking about, like how to whittle down our national debt or make electric cars awesomer.

About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.


  1. What? Say no to kids and don’t juice them up on energy drinks?

    You coffee fueled, radical thinking genius!


  2. “Interestingly, I also used to wonder why I had insomnia, but I doubt there’s either a causal or correlational relationship.”

    Nope. None at all.
    It’s actually due to the fact that you don’t watch “Charlie the Unicorn” or “Llamas in Hats” on Youtube.
    *Note: You still probably shouldn’t. In most cases, insomnia is preferable to crazed and/or sociopathic hoofed quadrupeds. Right?


  3. I am currently reading your post and nothing else. That’s how I roll …


  4. I used to down soda like it was nothing. I switched to soda water instead. It was hard, but now I love it. A splash of lemon or lime and I still get my bubbles without the bad effects of caffeine.


  5. I’m with you on keeping the Nanny State the hell out of our lives! Good one!


  6. I know what you can do to make electric cars more awesomer, add flames!! Not stickers or paint, real skin blistering exploding flames shooting out from the car! Like Fwoosh, Shkrrrs, BwASSH, flames! It’d probably require a larger car so you could fill it with something flammable to make the flames, but I’m sure you can work out the deet’s. Don’t thank me, you can have that one..


  7. Let’s poop on paper and send it back…poor postal carriers…no to nanny state. Nice digression.


  8. I was just about to turn off the computer for the night when I saw this post title in my reader and it jolted me awake. THANKSALOT!!!!!!


  9. Excellent exposé. Now put your clothes back on.


  10. Okay. I’m sure the glare is visible from the Moon.


  11. whiteladyinthehood // September 2, 2013 at 10:05 am //

    I guess I’m just strange…never liked coffee.


  12. Coffee – the only thing that gives me a personality.
    Wait that’s wrong. There’s also beer. And wine. Oh wait and tequila.
    OK, coffee – the only thing that gives me a personality in daytime. No that’s blogging.

    Fuck, the comment started out fine….


  13. a fellow coffee fiend! wow!

    this is brilliant.


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