Are the only sexy politicians the ones on TV?

When television entered the American mainstream, it was hailed as a miracle of the modern age. With the flick of a switch, we were connected to the world around us and it was a good thing. Just ask Martha.

Decades later and television is now so much more than sitcoms and the nightly news. It’s a babysitter for our children. It’s an escape from everyday life. It’s false hope and dubious facts all rolled together with badly scripted commercials and reality tv shows that are on the light side of reality. It’s FOX News. It’s the World Series (yeah Royals!) It’s award-winning and it’s scandalous.

One thing that’s remained unchanged? Television’s ability to make us believe that what we see, is what we get. And there’s no better example of this than during a presidential campaign. Because despite what we are told and what we tell each other, we chose presidents based on oomph first, policy second. We need to feel a connection to the candidates and television allows us to get up close and personal. Plus, the camera never lies. Right?

The recent presidential debates gave us a glimpse into the minds of the candidates. More importantly, television showed us we have a cornucopia of incredibly sexy people running for leader of the free world.

Feast your eyes on this group photo and then tell me you wouldn’t want to spend a spicy weekend with any or all of them. Because power IS sexy. Am I right?

Let’s wipe the sweat off our brows and take a closer look at five of these randomly selected by me presidential hopefuls and see if we can’t pinpoint what makes them so gosh darn desirable. (Side note: here’s a link to a definition of sarcasm.)

Rick Santorum — if you’ve watched Rick on tv or googled images of him (and who hasn’t) you may have noticed he can’t keep his hands to himself. That right index finger is always on the move. Makes me want to stand in his way, get confrontational on his ass. Poking and jabbing and sticking it right to you, the viewers, so you’re fully aware of the size of his point. The man knows how to give good finger. He’s either shaking it, or stabbing it, or waving it back and forth. It’s like he knows instinctively that a forceful thrust of his finger drives us crazy with desire. That by constantly focusing our attention on his wiggling digits, we won’t get distracted by his lies ties. He brings out the biter in us and that is HOT.

Lawrence Lessig — this man is a face toucher. A law professor at Harvard, Lawrence never voluntarily exposes his mouth in public. You see half a lip here, half a lip there. He’s a mouth teaser and knows how to get viewers hot for teacher. Running on a platform of one mission; one man, Lawrence is a love ’em and leave ’em kind of guy. He’ll only stay around long enough to “fix democracy,” which would take what? Two, three days, a week at most, right? Then he’ll pack up his overnight bag and leave the country to be run by whoever he picks as second best for his V.P. Because democracy is all about putting the almost good enough in charge of fixing everything else. And that kind attitude is smokin’ hot as we secretly yearn to be love-bombed then left wanting more. Oh, yeah. I’d ask him for his number because his hit & run style of pursuit of my vote is so FREAKING HOT.

Hillary Clinton — this woman is smart. I swing more to the male side of the human condition but you don’t have to be gay or a guy to recognize that smart is the new sexy. And Hillary is a real smartie. Full of dark gooey mystery surrounded by a hard shell of “shut the fuck up already about those damn emails.” As former Secretary of State under the Obama administration, she knows how to handle herself in a foreign situation. (I’m sorry. I could not NOT go there. It was too easy.) Hillary comes across as a strong, forceful, unrepentant woman who is all hard edges and angles, except for those cheekbones. Those cheekbones are her saving grace. Those cheekbones make you think Grandma. Grandma in thigh-high boots snapping a riding crop. Those cheekbones could win her the election by tapping into an until now untapped voter pool of underground sex workers, swingers, and S&M clubs. We’ve had all kinds of presidents. Isn’t it time for a dominatrix?

Donald Trump — if a good head of hair is what turns you on, then Donald’s the man for you. Because even when he’s not around, his hair is. In the bed, on the floor, floating in your soup bowl. I want to run my fingers through it and tug. Because his hair is hiding something and we all know it’s not illegal aliens but it’s something. What’s his platform? I have no idea. All I want to know is does he pay extra for his stylist to match his hair color to his skin color. And is there anyone better at expressing concerned face than The Donald? Because we all know we don’t really care if a presidential candidate is listening as long as he looks like he’s  listening. Some think he’s constipated and that’s a valid argument. Chewing up facts and spitting up lies can play havoc with your digestive system. But even if that’s true and concerned face is really constipated face, I’m sure if you take time to research this on the Internet, you’ll soon be able to hook up with a sex club that’s into laxatives as foreplay. And that is smokin’.

Ted Cruz — is there anything hotter than a man who can turn a positive into a negative with such consistency? And the man is just so right. Right about what? If you ask him, pretty much everything. ZOOM! I think I’m in love. Because nothing is sexier than being told that someone else knows what you want, what you need, and how you’ll never get it without them. Ted recently said that he wants to cut five government departments. When asked which departments, he listed four, one of them twice, to add up to five. The one he missed was education. Oh, the irony.

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It’s a year to the next presidential election. There’s still plenty of time for the presidential candidates to show us all their sexy bits. To strip off and get busy showing us what they got. And when they’re finished doing that and we discover they’re offering up the same old dog & pony show of tired reruns, don’t blame television. Television is only the messenger. Television gave us Tony Goldwyn as President Fitzgerald Grant. Maybe he should run for president. I’d punch his ticket anytime.

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