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Eclectic; A Hipster Conversation

January 22, 2016 // 14 Comments

byline: Jude the Hipster Eclectic; a hipster conversation From the Merriam Webster online dictionary- ECLECTIC: (n) one who uses a method or approach that is composed of elements drawn from various sources; one who uses an eclectic method or approach. For the most part, people who use the term “eclectic” really piss me off.  Generally, people [Click For More]

Canada turns to LAP to broker peace with U.S.

January 7, 2016 // 36 Comments

                                                Special Report ALBERTA, Canada — In an unprecedented move aimed at easing tensions between the U.S. and Canada following Justin Bieber’s request for permanent U.S. citizenship, Canadian officials have agreed to what they are calling a “mutually offensive [Click For More]

General Tso, who are you?

January 4, 2016 // 7 Comments

General Tso, who are you? Wikepedia describes you as a general who lived in Xiangyin during the 1800’s, yet the dish named after you was never eaten there, nor anywhere else near your city. What gives General? Who are you General? The world wants to know. The “chef’s special” wants to know. The mall food court wants to know who you are. I [Click For More]

LAP TV: Yelp Reviews!

December 28, 2015 // 5 Comments

This is the first episode of this series; it will definitely get better. I am still learning about writing comedic material, and shooting. So bear with me, but this first episode focuses on Yelp and some reviews that were a bit over the top. There will be more episodes soon to follow. This initial episode focuses on Denny’s. I hope you enjoy [Click For More]

Megacon Fan Days 2015 (The Mini Convention That Roared)

December 1, 2015 // 10 Comments

You have been standing in line for an hour. Ahead of you sits three kids wearing pokemon hats, two grown adults dressed as Captain American, four Norman Reedus clones and a partridge in a pear tree. Also, there is someone who looks like a cross between the Incredible Hulk and Spider-man. But you are not sure… You ask him. Yes. He is [Click For More]

Happy Thanksgiving 2015

November 26, 2015 // 2 Comments

  As another Thanksgiving comes and goes, with the smell of turkey and over zealous pigskin testosterone filling the air, plus the promise of Black Friday starting on a Thursday…around 6 pm…looming ahead of us like bright shiny gold filled gum drops dropped by a half naked pudgy baby…we at Long Awkward Pause are thankful [Click For More]

Your Thanksgiving questions answered by Mr. Knowitall

November 19, 2015 // 20 Comments

It’s been 395 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk. We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first [Click For More]

South Sobian Tinder

November 16, 2015 // 14 Comments

There is a small country located just south of Siberia called South Sobia. It’s small. It’s poor, but its people are proud. They work hard. They are mostly farmers and bar keeps. In fact, there are almost as many farmers as there are bar keeps. Weird. In the middle of South Sobia is where the library is located, and in the library [Click For More]

Chewbacca Arrested While Campaigning for Vader

October 29, 2015 // 7 Comments

So apparently, this past Sunday, while we were all watching football and discussing Donald Trump’s hair, Chewbacca was in Odessa, Ukraine getting arrested. Why, you ask? Let me ‘splain… Your see, Darth Vader (his real name, FTW) was making his play for mayoral candidacy under the Ukraine Internet Party (UIP). Now you might know [Click For More]

My Interview With A Long Awkward Pause Hater

October 26, 2015 // 18 Comments

Not everybody is going to like what you do, and that’s fine. Art comes in many forms and if we all liked the same style of it, then the world would be a rather boring place. Imagine if nothing but romance novels, country music, 18th century French paintings, and boxed wine were all we had…. I know about 6 of you just said, “Hell [Click For More]

I’m the Male Jennifer Aniston

October 15, 2015 // 14 Comments

Why are you laughing? It’s true in so many ways.  We’re both damn good looking even though we’re on the wrong side of forty.   We’re both adored and emulated by people around the world.   We both have been on television shows – History Channel for me (which I should tell you about sometime) and some little-known NBC sitcom for her. [Click For More]

How To Slow Down Time

October 5, 2015 // 4 Comments

It’s not only that time goes by so quickly or our attention spans are low. It’s context. Within a two-week period, we jump from a summer state-of-mind to fall just because Costco decides it’s time to sell Halloween stuff right after 4th of July. I see Halloween orange and black, and I immediately think Thanksgiving, because, pumpkin-overlap. [Click For More]

Mars + Facebook Down = End Of The World

October 1, 2015 // 24 Comments

“There is water on Mars! There is water on Mars!” screamed Lidia, our present secretary here at the offices of Long Awkward Pause. Lidia generally has time for such revelations because all she does all day is check Facebook and play Candy Crush. To her defense, there is not much else to do. We generally do not receive a whole lot of [Click For More]

Our passion for football could get us hurt here at LAP

September 4, 2015 // 18 Comments

Like millions of red-blooded, unathletic men across America, I will now be spending a good portion of my Saturdays sitting on the couch, eating handfuls of assorted snack foods and whining every time a player from my team makes even the teeniest mistake. It doesn’t matter that these men are performing feats of athletic skill I can only achieve [Click For More]

Word Has It

August 31, 2015 // 12 Comments

One fun annual event you might be unaware of is the Oxford English Dictionary’s release of new words. This announcement always entertains. At the same time, it can be frightening because you can think of it as a thermostat of how fast we’re dumbing the hell out of ourselves. Srsly. But on to the awesomesauce! You can read the entire [Click For More]