Latest And Greatest

2014

Black Friday

December 1, 2014 // 27 Comments

I’m sitting here staring at the blinking cursor trying to figure out a post for this month.  Two things are causing me epic writer block.  The first is the fact that thanks to my family, I’ve finally been let in on the secret of “What Does the Fox Say?”  I’m firm in my belief I could have gone to my grave without [Click For More]

A Long Awkward Pause Thanksgiving 2014

November 27, 2014 // 12 Comments

  The staff of Long Awkward Pause would like to take a moment to wish you and your family a very happy and safe Thanksgiving. We would also like to thank you, the readers of the website, the followers on Twitter and Tumblr, the Facebook viewers, and the podcast listeners. So, as we gather around the office with our families, friends, and the [Click For More]

Candy Corn: An Addict’s Story

November 3, 2014 // 33 Comments

Every year I cycle through what some people like to call, “Falling Off the Wagon.” Yes, dear LAP audience, it’s true.  My name is BrainRants, and I’m a candycorn-aholic. It started as a kid. A small bag here, a few handfuls there.  They were dropped innocently into my pillowcase by well-meaning people as I trick or [Click For More]

LAP’s Investment Hoarding Guide

October 9, 2014 // 15 Comments

If you’re like me, you get deluged with snail-mail, e-mail and telemarketers trying to sell you the latest, hottest and most profitable get-rich-quick scheme. They all share some common traits: One, they’re profitable – for the jerk selling the plan, and; Two, they involve either gold, silver, diamonds or ‘official’ [Click For More]

How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

August 28, 2014 // 20 Comments

It’s inevitable.  You’re comfortable on your morning commute and just about to raise that thermal mug of delightful coffee to your lips for a sip.  From the fast lane, a minivan executes a three-lane kamikaze dive from hell toward the off-ramp.  From the on-ramp preceding it, an SUV careens blindly into traffic as the driver babbles [Click For More]

LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: AUGUST 2014 HOROSCOPES

August 8, 2014 // 8 Comments

Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Sudoku Master, and Crypto-zoologist     August 2014 will be marked simultaneously by the most beneficent and respectively the most dreadful of all astrological aspects. So buckle the f**k up, buttercup! The most dreadful astrological aspect will be the conjunction between Mars and [Click For More]

STATE OF FOOD

July 31, 2014 // 16 Comments

One of those fluff pieces that our lamestream media insert into online content to balance out the death, destruction and general asshattery of our elected official buffoons that chokes out our eyeballs like cholesterol in a fat guy’s aorta are common.  One such “article” piqued my interest – Official State foods. At first [Click For More]

A Recap of The 2014 ESPY Awards In Case You Missed It

July 18, 2014 // 5 Comments

The 2014 ESPYS! Parts of this will be difficult to make fun of since the whole premise behind this awards show is not only a self congratulatory love fest for ESPN, but it’s also about raising money for cancer research. So, if you don’t know the story about Coach Jim Valvano, go Google him and check out his speech from the first ESPY awards in [Click For More]

Should Ninjas Wear Fedoras?

May 16, 2014 // 24 Comments

Here at LAP, we like to consider ourselves good law-abiding citizens. Unless, of course, we are actually out having fun and not abiding by the law. All that aside, we have been intently following the story of recent mansion robberies in Southwest Florida. Not tensions in the Middle East or the deterioration of Social Security, but a bunch of [Click For More]

The Bullet Points

April 18, 2014 // 59 Comments

It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave the office and lock the door behind us? Did I [Click For More]

Warnog The Beer Of Champion Klingons

April 2, 2014 // 34 Comments

It’s Saturday night on the star ship. You and your fellow hundred companions are off duty for the evening. It’s time to head down to flight deck 12 where the bar is located and get your brew on! So you put on a new, nicely pressed red shirt, which is all you ever wear…whether you’re on duty or not. Don’t worry, [Click For More]

Tax terms that can help cover your assets

March 24, 2014 // 41 Comments

After clearing off the kitchen table and finding an outlet for the calculator, I sat down to do my taxes. As always, I made sure to have all the necessary documentation and forms — W4s, tax forms, bank statements, insurance reports, tax schedules and, most importantly, a full box of Kleenex. As I sat staring at this year’s tax booklet, I [Click For More]

Can’t Decide On Those NCAA March Madness Brackets?

March 21, 2014 // 6 Comments

It’s March Madness time and this year I am once again using my tried and true method for selecting the NCAA tournament brackets. For the first round matchups; I put each team’s mascot side by side and then pick whichever I think would win in a drunken bar fight. We’ll examine those matchups in-depth in this article. Moving forward for [Click For More]

17 Things I Know For Sure

March 19, 2014 // 51 Comments

Hello again, dear listeners. Every day, every week, every year, every month, every one asks me the same question: “How much do you know, and why don’t you tell me all you know, already?!” So, dearest listener, I have decided to partake of yon desires and giveth to thee my knowledge – wrapped up in two little balls. The two [Click For More]

Missing Flappy Bird? Try A Clone Instead

March 12, 2014 // 32 Comments

In case you have lived in a universe where no smart phone or internet exists in the last few months, Flappy Bird is  was a game where you guide this cute little pixelated bird through a series of  Mario Bros-esque pipes scoring points for each pipe you past. You move the bird up and down by tapping on it.  The more you tap the bird, the [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Presents: March 2014 Horoscopes

March 10, 2014 // 28 Comments

by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic and Crypto-zoologist March 2014 is a month with a lot of potential but complicated. March is a month of changes that will require flexibility, calmness and prudence to survive the upcoming Madness. Mercury has resumed its straight movement after trying out that bi thing for a while and it will now start [Click For More]

What Your Autocorrect Says About You

March 7, 2014 // 51 Comments

We all have hated upon our autocorrect when texting, emailing or other text-based functions on our allegedly-smart phones. “Fuck you, Autocorrect!” we scream from our cube farms. You might have been dumped in advance when you open with a flirty ‘Want to have fun later?’ and your evil phone corrected it to ‘Want to have fuck later?’ [Click For More]

The New Light And Air Diet Isn’t For Anyone

March 5, 2014 // 65 Comments

Breatharian’s are lucky, or unlucky…depending on how you look at it…because a Breatharian doesn’t eat. They exist solely on light and air and nothing else. This makes taking one out to dinner a really, really, cheap date. I’ll have the steak, medium rare and a loaded baked potato. My date here just lives on light and [Click For More]

Surviving In Australia

February 25, 2014 // 60 Comments

Dearest friends (and enemies – I love you too), Were you aware that the average life expectancy in Australia is just 27 (for men) and 28 (for women)? And do you know why? Why, it’s because of this picture which you should click on if you want to make it bigger: Wherever you turn, something in Australia is out to kill you – [Click For More]