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Monk Monkey

The World Cup: Origins

June 30, 2014 // 6 Comments

So, what is that thing that happens on TV every four years that no one cares about when it isn’t on? No! Not the Olympics! Yes! The World Cup! In this, the first in a series of features in which I feature a series of how certain things came to be and/or live and exist (i.e., their origins), I shall take a look at the origins of… the [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Funny Sexy Mugshot Guy Memes

June 28, 2014 // 51 Comments

  What does it take to get your 15 minutes of fame on the internet? Apparently some baby blue eyes and five counts of weapon possession and one count of gang related activities. Jeremy Meek’s mugshot went viral after the Stockton Police Department released his mugshot on Facebook. Who knew the police department was so into keeping up with [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz Winner Announced!

June 19, 2014 // 35 Comments

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Boy, placing an exclamation point after a contest announcement really hypes it up, eh?  Exclamation points add so much excitement!  Without one, the context completely changes. But enough of the grammar lessons, because [Click For More]

A tour through my album collection

April 21, 2014 // 78 Comments

Growing up, dear children, I was not aloud to listen to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music. My father would say to me, “Monk, m’boy, if I ever see you listening to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music, I’ll slit yer face.” And so, dear, children, I never did… But in the late 1980s, something amazing happened. First, I left [Click For More]

17 Things I Know For Sure

March 19, 2014 // 51 Comments

Hello again, dear listeners. Every day, every week, every year, every month, every one asks me the same question: “How much do you know, and why don’t you tell me all you know, already?!” So, dearest listener, I have decided to partake of yon desires and giveth to thee my knowledge – wrapped up in two little balls. The two [Click For More]

Surviving In Australia

February 25, 2014 // 60 Comments

Dearest friends (and enemies – I love you too), Were you aware that the average life expectancy in Australia is just 27 (for men) and 28 (for women)? And do you know why? Why, it’s because of this picture which you should click on if you want to make it bigger: Wherever you turn, something in Australia is out to kill you – [Click For More]

Can Board Games Improve your Health?

January 17, 2014 // 43 Comments

Listen up you bucket load of greasy chimps! In these here online digital pages I have been working my shiny butt off to get you to get happy. It seems nothing has worked and it isn’t the fault of my advice (which is brilliant), it’s all your fault, you turnips! I shall give it one more bash, however. Across your face!!! GAMES! A word [Click For More]

Fun with Acrostics

December 16, 2013 // 23 Comments

Today I will do the unthinkable and solve two problems in one go, both with the use of poetry. Well, acrostic poetry, anyway, which I don’t think counts as poetry but we’ll let it slide like hot butter down a camel’s back (Ooh! Poetic!) First, let’s look at the strife of the humble depressed person. This person is sad, [Click For More]

Bananas: Yesterday, today and forever

November 15, 2013 // 26 Comments

Now listen here all you dudes and dudettes and get with the program: the program of how to stay healthy, live well and have your mind opened by the glories upong glories, ya’ll! Many people, lizards and turtlemen come up to me and ask me the same question of me for which to get the answer, they be saying to me: ‘Oh, mighty Monk Monkey [Click For More]

The dog and the butts – A poem

October 9, 2013 // 14 Comments

Dog Doggy, sittin’ on m’knee, Dog Doggy lookin’ at 3- D pictures up on screen, But Dog Doggy, I’m so mean! I forgot your little glasses, So you can’t see 3D asses, In this porn film so greatly Capturing the moment in 3D! *** Horn Horny under me, Watching porn film in 3D, Thinks I’d like to watch it too, But [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Takes On The Picture Prompt

October 7, 2013 // 20 Comments

Howard Gantz, manager here. It’s hard to believe it’s October already! Christmas is less than 90 days away. You are welcome for that thought! We at Long Awkward Pause have a great October planned for you! Speaking of October, be sure to grab your tickets to the L.A.P. Annual Halloween Costume Party. This years event will be held at [Click For More]

LAP Update: Tour Stop Canceled in Kalamazoo, Michigan

September 30, 2013 // 31 Comments

Howard Gantz, manager here. It is with sad and great regret that I have to announce the Round Table on Oct. 5th in Kalamazoo, Michigan with Long Awkward Pause has been cancelled. If you have pre-purchased your tickets please email me and I will either send you tickets for another event or refund your money. If you live in the Michigan area I [Click For More]

The L.A.P. Tour Book Is Available!

September 17, 2013 // 29 Comments

Howard Gantz, Manager here! The long awaited Long Awkward Pause Official Photo Concert Tour Book For Dummies is on sale for a limited time! Pick up your yours today! There is only a limited number of copies available! Here is a small sampling of what you will find inside: Over 400 pages of photos and stories! Autographed copies available for an [Click For More]

Are you addicted to Caffine?

September 3, 2013 // 52 Comments

Dear America, Land of the brave, the free. There is a new killer drug in your mist and it isn’t cocaine, heroin, advil or nickatine. IT’S CAFFEIEN!!! Yes, this killer addiction is stalking city streets and curbs as human after human carries around their paper cups filled to the BRIM with glorious Coffee which comes from CAFFEINE! Do [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause On Coffee

August 31, 2013 // 19 Comments

Hello! Howard Ganz here, manager of Long Awkward Pause, and I’m excited to introduce this week’s topic: Coffee! It was sent in to us from Sandy Osorno and reads; “Hi Christopher, Julie here, just an out coffeeholic and a reader of your website. 🙂 I came across this great infographic about America’s addiction on this lovely [Click For More]

Contest! Win A Long Awkward Pause Writer For A Week!

August 26, 2013 // 46 Comments

Announcing the Long Awkward Pause 2013 Contest! Win A Long Awkward Pause Writer For A Week! That’s right! Announcing the first Long Awkward Pause Contest where you could win a staff writer living with you for one whole week! Choose from Justin, Rants, Monk Monkey, Chris, Mike, Chowderhead, Owamwarisan, or Cordelia. If you win some of [Click For More]