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Food

LAP’s Cooking Playlist

February 1, 2016 // 12 Comments

  I have two major passions in my life. Oops, forgot about the kids – make that THREE major passions in my life.   But this isn’t a mommy blog, so you’re stuck with the other two. The first is food.  Pretty obvious considering my blogging name, right? I love making food, eating other food that people made for me, reading about food, [Click For More]

General Tso, who are you?

January 4, 2016 // 7 Comments

General Tso, who are you? Wikepedia describes you as a general who lived in Xiangyin during the 1800’s, yet the dish named after you was never eaten there, nor anywhere else near your city. What gives General? Who are you General? The world wants to know. The “chef’s special” wants to know. The mall food court wants to know who you are. I [Click For More]

Bold Predictions for 2016

December 31, 2015 // 2 Comments

  2016 is almost upon us and the staff here at Long Awkward Pause decided to pull the Ouija board out of the LAP game closet, the Crystal Ball from under Ned’s cubicle, and the Tea Leaves from Blogdramedy’s favorite mug to try and predict what exactly is going to happen in the 2,016th year of the Common Era. By the way, 2016 has [Click For More]

The Creepiest Cookies Ever

October 28, 2015 // 11 Comments

Halloween is coming up and this time around it falls on Saturday, so there’s bound to be a ton of costume parties everywhere.   Whether you’re attending one or hosting, there’s a lot of things to do to get ready for the big night.   I know one of my dilemmas is whether I should stay at home and pass out candy to the trick-or-treaters or [Click For More]

Hair of the Dog That You Bit

August 4, 2015 // 22 Comments

I’ve been fortunate enough to have some great food experiences around the country and around the world. I’ve had crepes from a cart across from Notre Dame in Paris. I’ve eaten at Michelin-starred restaurants in New York. I’ve eaten sushi off the body of a naked Ariana Grande while on one of the Sultan of Brunei’s larger boats.   [Click For More]

The Bible Of Secret Fast Food Menus

July 23, 2015 // 16 Comments

In the begining… Harry Synder created In-N-Out Burger, and he said “Let there be burgers and fries and shakes and let it be good.” And the public said it was good. But the public is finicky and demanded special orders, and bun-less burgers, and meatless meats and Harry Synder saw unto this, and created the In-N-Out Burger [Click For More]

Read This Before You Lick Your Keyboard

May 18, 2015 // 35 Comments

Fun quiz here, people: one of the most germ-ridden areas of your house is: The toilet Your butthole The TV remote Your keyboard   If you answered A or C, you’re close. If you answered B, you didn’t read the question, unless you happen to live up your own ass. I understand this happens to some people from the neck up, but I [Click For More]

This Weekend’s Forecast: Sex and Wine

February 12, 2015 // 28 Comments

You know what’s happening this weekend is, don’t you? Let me give you a hint – it’s a special day that celebrates love. Many women have been waiting months for this day so that they can revel in a night of pure romance.   Meanwhile, many men will be spending a night out with their significant others when they’d really just rather sit [Click For More]

Now We’re Cooking with Fire

January 22, 2015 // 20 Comments

Some friends were coming over for dinner and I had a major case of writer’s block.   Or I guess that would be cook’s block, but that sounds like glorified cutting board.   So let’s just call it I-had-no-freaking-clue-what-to-make block. This was about the same time that I was working on my Peyton Manning fashion post.   I wrote that over [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause’s Holiday Wine Buying Guide

November 24, 2014 // 16 Comments

Ahhh, it’s that time of year again.  All those drunken family get-togethers, work events, neighborhood gatherings all filled with merriment, dancing, and probably a decent amount of debauchery. Holidays?  Heck, that was my last weekend. The holidays can be a very stressful time.  Maybe you have to think of an excuse for skipping out on [Click For More]

Candy Corn: An Addict’s Story

November 3, 2014 // 33 Comments

Every year I cycle through what some people like to call, “Falling Off the Wagon.” Yes, dear LAP audience, it’s true.  My name is BrainRants, and I’m a candycorn-aholic. It started as a kid. A small bag here, a few handfuls there.  They were dropped innocently into my pillowcase by well-meaning people as I trick or [Click For More]

Caramel Apples Are Disgusting

September 25, 2014 // 48 Comments

It officially became fall earlier this week, which means it has officially become the time of year where we must all vociferously express our disdain for all the popular food items, flavors, and fragrances of autumn. We’ve all been exposed to our share of pumpkin spice screeds, but that’s so 2013. This year, we must turn our attention to a [Click For More]

STATE OF FOOD

July 31, 2014 // 16 Comments

One of those fluff pieces that our lamestream media insert into online content to balance out the death, destruction and general asshattery of our elected official buffoons that chokes out our eyeballs like cholesterol in a fat guy’s aorta are common.  One such “article” piqued my interest – Official State foods. At first [Click For More]