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Homecoming Season Advice

I came out of my cave and realized that we’re getting close to homecoming and/or prom season and other holiday-related date situation seasons.  By the way, the sun was really bright.  It hurt.  Moving on…

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You want to know evil? Really?

I decided that all of the LAP Angry Dads out there (you know who you are) need a helpful guide to this perilous time of the year.  Homecoming or prom can be loaded – no, fraught I tell you – with expectations.  Expectations from certain penis-having young men who’d date your daughter, or take her to homecoming, or worse.  Or not, if you pay attention.

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PERIOD

The key to this is screening.  As you might know, this happens at the front door while the sperm-trigger is standing there with a corsage in a shitty spacepod-style container.  This gesture is designed to placate you, so don’t be fooled.  One precious flower cannot be traded for some cheap hothouse bullshit encased in plastic designed to look like a cubic zirconia substitute for an engagement ring.  Possibly you understand my allusion.  Google all that shit, I’ll wait.

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Truth is on your side.

Anyway, some young douchebag with chin-pubes will show up in a cheap rental tux and said dead plant material in the hope of winning access to your protected daughter’s nether regions.  Never mind you might have done the same, back in the day, with your own version of ‘game.’  The game has changed.  You are the protector now.

To do that, make sure you have a shotgun and appropriate cleaning supplies for the weapon in hand when you answer the door.  He’ll introduce himself, of course.  Make sure you respond with, “Nice to meet you.  I’ll just call you, ‘Probable Cause.'”  If you feel froggy, substitute the label with, ‘Justifiable Homicide.’

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Or else. I have skills… a certain set of skills…

After that, move onto the grilling and indoctrination phase.  This should include the following ideas, which you as a father will verbally implant in this target with words and steady pokes to his bony chest with two angry fingers:

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Picture = 1000 words. Do it.

  • “I am everywhere, so don’t think I’m not watching.”  He needs to know – or believe – you will physically see him grope your little girl’s butt on the last dance of the night.  You’ll also know about his flask, weak promises, and Edwardian protestations of undying love (until he ejaculates).
  • “If you hurt my daughter, I will hurt you in the very same way.”  This includes taking of virginity, and the young hopeful will need to understand that whatever orifice is unviolated on HIS body will work, despite that which has been done to your daughter and regardless of gender differences.  Any hole will suffice.  No exceptions.
  • “You don’t know me, or what I’ve been through.  Jail would be a cake walk by comparison.”  You don’t have to have tramped through the Hindu Kush, or Fallujah, searching for Bin Laden and been in firefights.  Diapers, colds, crying and potty-training are sufficient experience here to justify this statement.  Extra finger-pokes in the weak breastbone are appropriate.  Throw out some lines from ‘Oz’ for cred if required.
  • Ask: “Do you or your father have a lawyer?”  For the entitled and douché riche, this may be the only form of communication that hits home.  If he pulled up with a rented stretch limo with drunk high schoolers inside, use this tactic.  Or if he is driving the Jag that Daddy gave him to spite his divorcee mommy.  Make him give you his daddy’s secretary’s cell number.  The little twit won’t miss that request, or the significance.  Poke extra hard, because these types are unhinged by physical assaults violence.
  • “I don’t like you.”  Make sure this potential/hopeful sperm-donor understands this concept.  You’re under no pressure to like, or even acknowledge, this drip’s existence, so fire away.  He needs to know your princess is loved, protected, and watched over by yours truly: a very hostile, overprotective father.
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Yep.

Once your precious offspring and The Target leave, wave and smile and close the door.  After that, run out the back, drive to the event, and establish security (namely, your wife and/or best bros).  Then gain eyes-on the Future Perp and watch.  Like a f*****g hawk.

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“Nooooooooooooooooo!”

Just watch… and be ready.

Matt Final Author Box

 


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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

15 Comments on Homecoming Season Advice

  1. A friend of mine said her dad always said with boys, you only have one penis to worry about, with girls, every penis out there is out to get your daughter.

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  2. I think that the easiest way to handle this situation would be to “accidentally” spill a bottle of beer or a bowl of salsa onto the suitor’s shiny new tux, then apologize profusely and suggest your daughter goes alone, or offer some of your clothing for the boy to wear. Do you think a girl would ever go for a boy reeking of salsa and wearing her dad’s shirt?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hilarious post 🙂 Though I have an enormous amount of difficulty understanding how there are so many posed pictures of men with guns ‘threatening’ boys in tuxedos on the internet. Then again, until the end of november, the Toronto Police are offering a free pickup service for any guns you’ve somehow acquired but want out of your house, so I guess I’ll chalk it up to cultural differences…
    The boy I went to prom with was my height and skinny as a rake. I suspect that my parents looked at him and went, “eh, she’s got this. He tries anything and she can break him.”

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  4. I’ve got a young lady at my house who has been adjusting to new management rules similar to these. The boys are not happy.

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  5. I wonder if Dads have the same problem if their daughter is named “Carrie?” And are at all familiar with Stephen King.

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  6. Very nice. Sadly I have one of those dads. *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person

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