I came out of my cave and realized that we’re getting close to homecoming and/or prom season and other holiday-related date situation seasons. By the way, the sun was really bright. It hurt. Moving on…
I decided that all of the LAP Angry Dads out there (you know who you are) need a helpful guide to this perilous time of the year. Homecoming or prom can be loaded – no, fraught I tell you – with expectations. Expectations from certain penis-having young men who’d date your daughter, or take her to homecoming, or worse. Or not, if you pay attention.
The key to this is screening. As you might know, this happens at the front door while the sperm-trigger is standing there with a corsage in a shitty spacepod-style container. This gesture is designed to placate you, so don’t be fooled. One precious flower cannot be traded for some cheap hothouse bullshit encased in plastic designed to look like a cubic zirconia substitute for an engagement ring. Possibly you understand my allusion. Google all that shit, I’ll wait.
Anyway, some young douchebag with chin-pubes will show up in a cheap rental tux and said dead plant material in the hope of winning access to your protected daughter’s nether regions. Never mind you might have done the same, back in the day, with your own version of ‘game.’ The game has changed. You are the protector now.
To do that, make sure you have a shotgun and appropriate cleaning supplies for the weapon in hand when you answer the door. He’ll introduce himself, of course. Make sure you respond with, “Nice to meet you. I’ll just call you, ‘Probable Cause.'” If you feel froggy, substitute the label with, ‘Justifiable Homicide.’
After that, move onto the grilling and indoctrination phase. This should include the following ideas, which you as a father will verbally implant in this target with words and steady pokes to his bony chest with two angry fingers:
- “I am everywhere, so don’t think I’m not watching.” He needs to know – or believe – you will physically see him grope your little girl’s butt on the last dance of the night. You’ll also know about his flask, weak promises, and Edwardian protestations of undying love (until he ejaculates).
- “If you hurt my daughter, I will hurt you in the very same way.” This includes taking of virginity, and the young hopeful will need to understand that whatever orifice is unviolated on HIS body will work, despite that which has been done to your daughter and regardless of gender differences. Any hole will suffice. No exceptions.
- “You don’t know me, or what I’ve been through. Jail would be a cake walk by comparison.” You don’t have to have tramped through the Hindu Kush, or Fallujah, searching for Bin Laden and been in firefights. Diapers, colds, crying and potty-training are sufficient experience here to justify this statement. Extra finger-pokes in the weak breastbone are appropriate. Throw out some lines from ‘Oz’ for cred if required.
- Ask: “Do you or your father have a lawyer?” For the entitled and douché riche, this may be the only form of communication that hits home. If he pulled up with a rented stretch limo with drunk high schoolers inside, use this tactic. Or if he is driving the Jag that Daddy gave him to spite his divorcee mommy. Make him give you his daddy’s secretary’s cell number. The little twit won’t miss that request, or the significance. Poke extra hard, because these types are unhinged by physical
- “I don’t like you.” Make sure this potential/hopeful sperm-donor understands this concept. You’re under no pressure to like, or even acknowledge, this drip’s existence, so fire away. He needs to know your princess is loved, protected, and watched over by yours truly: a very hostile, overprotective father.
Once your precious offspring and The Target leave, wave and smile and close the door. After that, run out the back, drive to the event, and establish security (namely, your wife and/or best bros). Then gain eyes-on the Future Perp and watch. Like a f*****g hawk.
Just watch… and be ready.
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