We all know by now that Minneapolis dentist Walter Palmer is disliked for more than just his root canals. The revelation that he hunted and killed a beloved lion in Zimbabwe has made him the newest target for internet outrage.
This morning, I signed on and saw the news that Dr. Palmer paid $127,500 to settle a 2005 sexual harassment claim brought by one of his employees.
After I thought about what an uncool guy he is for mistreating the woman he harassed, I thought about $127,500. That’s a lot of money for us non-dentists. For Walter Palmer, that’s a hunting trip.
So because he had to pay off that misdeed, he probably didn’t get to go hunt anything “cool” that year. Poor guy. That thought set me to wondering what else Dr. Walter Palmer has hunted down and killed. I pretended to look into it and discovered the top five other Walter Palmer hunts.
#5 – Bambi’s Mother
Yes, he was quite young back then, and he was portrayed as an older character in the film, but Dr. Palmer killed Bambi’s mother.
Let’s face it, you had to know that this would be on the list. If I didn’t include it, you’d wonder why and I’d say “it was too easy” and you’d say “but how could you not, even so?”.
This is also a good time for me to admit that I never saw the movie, Bambi. Today, in doing what passes for research for writing a parody like this, I learned that Bambi was a boy.
#4 – Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter
“Crikey”, you say, “not Steve!”
Yes, blokes and sheilas, he knocked off Vegemite-eating, croc-wrestling Steve.
Come on, admit it, you were kind of suspicious of that whole stingray story, weren’t you? It doesn’t make sense. The guy screws around with crocodiles and other carnivorous animals for fun and then gets killed by a random barb to the chest delivered by a gentle fish that tourists pay to frolic with. What are the odds on that happening?
Sure, it was a barb to the heart alright.
A barb from the Minnesota dentist on the next boat.
#3 – Malaysian Airlines Flight 370
OK, follow me on this one. Malaysian Airlines completely loses this airplane full of folks a year ago. They couldn’t find it and had no explanation where it ended up, but they were pretty certain it wasn’t still in the air. Perhaps you remember the matter, CNN mentioned it once.
I don’t know where Walter Palmer was when that plane went missing, do you? Not even CNN knows.
Now, it appears that the first bits of debris which may be related to MH370 are washing up on an island off Madagascar. And who goes in to hiding as soon as physical evidence about the plane’s fate becomes available? Palmer. Coincidence? I think you’re bright enough to see that it isn’t.
#2 – Walter Cronkite
Yes, “the most trusted man in America”, the former anchor of the CBS Evening News passed on in 2009. Reliable, factual television journalism died alongside Mr. Cronkite.
Dr. Palmer conspiracy theorists consider this his most discreet hunt. We all want to believe Walter met with a peaceful end, but that’s not the way it is.
#1 – Edith Fore
Edith portrayed Mrs. Fletcher in the famous LifeCall commercial. She yelled the beloved line “I’ve fawlen, and I can’dt ged up!”
Walter Palmer was there when Edith Fore fell for the last time. She couldn’t get up. Walter made sure of that.
So there you have them, as if you need them, five more reasons to be upset about a dentist you’ve never met.
To be sure, hunting a vulnerable species is a pretty repulsive thing to do for recreation. But if you’re not among those who are losing their minds over Dr. Palmer, keep your chin up. Television news and the internet will provide you with something new to be outraged about next week.
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