If you haven’t watched the season finale of Game of Thrones yet – or, more likely, haven’t been spoiled by the Facebook friend who only pauses his political commentary to publicly live-morn the deaths of beloved TV characters he naively assumed were untouchable – chances are you have to wait until one of your benevolent (rich) friends with HBO graces you with access to their DVR. We understand not everyone has an HBO Go password, but because we can’t wait for everyone in the world to catch up, the article must go on.
You should stop reading here if you haven’t watched the season finale of Game of Thrones, because we’re going to be discussing some of the sadsies in broad strokes, and because spoiling is subjective, it’s probably best that you just pack it up here and come back later.
Season 5 of Game of Thrones was the biggest bummer in the history of TV shows bummers. Whether you’ve read the books or not, there’s no denying that comeuppances were few and far between. If not for the “Fly” scene or Arya’s revenge, there wouldn’t have been much to keep us going. In true GoT fashion, just about every tender moment segued into a horrible, gruesome death for at least one of the parties involved. Like that time Davos gave Princess Shireen a hand carved stag shortly before her father ordered her to be burned at the stake. Or that time Jon Snow had a gentle bro talk with Sam and was subsequently Julius Cesared. Or that time Jaime opened up to his daughter only discovered she’d been poisoned.
There truly was enough rain to ruin everyone’s parade, so to help contextualize the feelings of depression, confusion, anger, and fear you’ve been experiencing, we’ve put together a list of 15 things that might be more depressing than Game of Throne’s fifth season.
- When you see that familiar meteorological twinkle in your coworker’s eyes, and you just know a boring comment about the weather is coming, and you have nowhere to run.
- When a food item or flavor you love is discontinued, and even though you know on some level it’s probably for the best (because it was probably putting on the path to an early angioplasty), you still mourn as though a distant family member has passed.
- When you lose something arbitrary like a pair of sunglasses from Target or some necklace you only remember you own every three months, and even though it’s totally replaceable you spend an hour feeling like you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life, and you won’t be able to go on.
- When you’re having a really bad day and your sweet, perfect, excited pet is all over you when you just want to be left alone, so you feel guilty for being annoyed by their overbearing unconditional love.
- When you order takeout and you don’t realize until you open the bag at home that a crucial ingredient or dressing was forgotten, but you’re too lazy to do anything about it except suffer through a meal that isn’t as good as it could’ve been.
- When you’re shopping and you make an estimate as to how much everything is going to cost, yet when you receive the final total you were off by a solid 50-80 bucks, and you feign a furiously content face as you swipe your card.
- When you get a toothpaste or deodorant stain on your shirt and you spend ten minutes staring at yourself in the mirror and wondering how after decades of performing these routine tasks you still can’t keep it together.
- When someone calls you, leaves a voicemail, and then sends a text asking you to call them back.
- When you plan on getting over your fears and coexisting with a bug that’s on the ceiling on the other side of the room, but then the bug gets too comfortable and walks over to a spot right above your head and you just imagine him falling into your ear and laying eggs in your brain and your case appearing on one of those mystery diagnosis shows after you die, and so you have to kill it.
- When you let someone borrow your phone and when they’re done using it they take it upon themselves to look through a bunch of selfies and screenshots that were not intended for public consumption.
- When any animal dies in a movie (except sharks and mean dinosaurs).
- When you really want to get something delicious to put in your belly but you don’t want to leave the house, so you waste away on the couch for four hours eating saltine crackers and white bread like a prisoner of your own laziness.
- When you’re having a wonderful day thinking about all your accomplishments and feeling nothing but pride for where you are in life, but then you remember that time you shit your pants playing kickball in first grade.
- When someone gives you a really heartfelt greeting card but you know as soon as you get home you’re probably going to throw it away.
- When you show up somewhere where there’s supposed to be some free food, but it turns out to be all healthy shit like a veggie tray and a fruit salad and you mourn the pizza, cornbread, and cookies that could have been if the caterers embraced gluten.
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