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Father’s Day gift ideas you can swear by. And so will Dad

Just like Kanye West’s next public outburst, Father’s Day will be here before we know it. That means Dad will once again be wearing new underwear and smelling like he’s been attacked by a cologne salesman (who, in self defense, Dad likely strangled with his new paisley tie.) This year, why not break from tradition and do something special by letting Dad keep his multiple-exit underwear and, instead, give him something he really wants?

Like, say… bacon-scented body wash?

That’s right. As a service to fathers, we at Long Awkward Pause have assembled a short list of alternative gifts for Dad. Things that say how much you care about him even though, apparently, the Consumer Products Safety Commission does not.

Before we start, let me assure you that all of the following items are:

1) Real products.
2) Created by people whose primary heat source — we’re guessing — is a bong.

We’ll begin with the aforementioned body wash. When you get right down to it, the majority of men have two things on their mind.

Okay, three actually. But this isn’t a porn site.

The other two things are cars and meat. This Father’s Day, you can combine the best of both worlds by letting Dad smell like a giant strip of delicious bacon.

Also makes a great salad dressing. Just saying...

Also makes a great salad dressing. Just saying…

Thanks to new Bacon Body Wash, Dad can smell bacon-y fresh from every crevice! Think of how much he’ll enjoy his daily commute as the aroma of smoked pork permeates the interior of his car, all while knowing — for once — the strange smell isn’t coming from something stuffed between the seats.

Our next item is perfect for those hardworking, coffee-drinking dads who are always looking to squeeze more from their day. For these fathers, what better way to express your appreciation than by giving him his own Internet Urinal!

Available in large, medium, small and “average white guy” sizes.

Never again will he have to stop in the middle of writing that report or playing solitaire to answer nature’s call. Imagine his sense of pride (and relief) as he watches less-appreciated fathers make frequent trips to the bathroom while, thanks to the thoughtfulness of his family, he remains at his desk with no excuse to leave.

At least, not until that bran muffin hits.

These next two items are prefect for fathers whose jobs are so stressful they don’t even have time to use an Internet Urinal!

This first gift idea reduces stress by allowing Dad to grow something at work that is both calming and won’t break the “no smoking” policy. I’m talking, of course, about the Chia-Bacca.

With this, Dad will be given a cubical far, far away...

With this, Dad will be given a cubicle far, far away…

Provide Dad with many stress-free hours as he lovingly tends to his own Wookie “bonzai,” bringing the kind of inner peace that only comes from being avoided by everyone in the office.

And if that isn’t enough, throw in a Singing Stress Turtle for good measure.

Picture Dad in his office or cubicle, tending to his Chia-Bacca and listening to a rubber turtle as it crawls along the floor singing:

Slow down, you move to fast. Got to slow down and make the moment last…

If you include the Internet Urinal in this scenario, Dad will truly feel as though he’s hit the Father’s Day tri-fecta!

Which brings us to our final gift suggestion: Men’s Underwear Repair Kit.

Underwear White-Out also available by the gallon

Underwear White-Out also available by the gallon

To a man, you just can’t beat his favorite pair of old underwear. That’s because, in most cases, they’ll fall apart. Which is why he’ll truly appreciate something that says you don’t care how shlocky he looks, just as long as he’s comfortable and has no intention of leaving the house.

Along with things like a needle, thread, iron-on patches and an elastic waist band replacement, the kit also includes a bottle of “Underwear White-Out” for those times when bleach:

a) Isn’t enough,
b) Will cause his favorite underwear to implode on contact.

That said, keep in mind it doesn’t really matter what you give Dad this Father’s Day, as long as it comes from the heart.

But wrapping it in bacon wouldn’t hurt.




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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

31 Comments on Father’s Day gift ideas you can swear by. And so will Dad

  1. Underwear bleach… Wouldnt ruin my leopard prints? As for bacon body wash, no thank you. In my day we used to get that smell the hard way – cooking mass quantities and then getting the meat sweats.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. How about a tee shirt that says, “Wage Slave Sperm Donor” ?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Laughed until my IU (internet urnal) overflowed. Need me one of those underwear kits next. I use grease monkey deodorant. Always get compliments like “my god what have you been doing.”

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Very interesting items Ned. In fact they could all be used purposefully in the marijuana industry. I understand that Oregon is quite tolerant in that area. In Canada, our west coast city -Vancouver – actually has many competitive public marijuana shops. Your items could be stocked as paraphernalia. the bacon body wash could hide the smell of weed on your person – hence stopping police from becoming aware of the weed by smell. The pee container would allow extended smoking blitzes without having to get up and figure out where the bathroom was – a potentially hopeless task depending on the amount of weed smoked. The Chia Bacca and the turtle could both be used quite effectively to amuse a stoned group. Just have everyone sit in a circle on the floor and place these two items in the center of the circle. Turn on the turtle and the whole group will ponder these two items for hours – effectively negating the need to entertain anyone. Now having the ability to smoke up and sit for hours or even days without getting up (may have to order many pizzas to address the munchies) undue stress will be placed on your underwear, perhaps all the wardrobe you need to enjoy yourself. Here the underwear repair kit will come in handy.

    So what you have here Ned is the complete package of how to contain the smell of weed, how to avoid seeking the washroom while smoking for extended periods of time, entertainment while smoking, and wardrobe life extension while smoking. You could put it all in a nice wicker basket, plastic wrap and seal it and sell it as a life style choice enabler in any weed store or even on the black market.

    You could be rich Ned!


  5. I’m not going to lie, I would totally buy the ChiaBacca for my father. He is a Star Wars lover and it is just too funny and bad all at the same time to not buy it. I always slip in a prank present for Father’s Day 🙂


  6. You are so right! My man loves his old stretched out underwear! They fit just right, says he. I’ll take the repair kit, please. 🙂


  7. I already have everything on the list.

    For the father who hates Father’s Day, make it his last with the Caitlyn Jenner’s Home Transgender Kit (and does he/she get to celebrate both Mother’s AND Father’s day?).

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hahaha! Bacon bacca – who knew? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. For Father’s Day I usually receive a box of used breath mints, so all these gift ideas seem awesome to me!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Who needs an internet urinal when you can bring the internet into the bathroom with an iPad (like I do every morning, noon, and night- in fact, I might be typing this while sitting on the loo right now- you’ll never know). I’ll poll my hubby and see which present he wants. Thanks for the great suggestions.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. LMAO…men’s underwear repair kit. A wire fell out of my favorite bra and I stuck a grey goose cork and proclaimed, “there I fixed it”. Yay? Perhaps not. It was fixed…for a brief time.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. It’s a Good gift ideas


  13. Unwear repair kit! I think I need one for every man in my life — my teenaged ones as well. Great post, Ned.

    Liked by 1 person

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