Just like Kanye West’s next public outburst, Father’s Day will be here before we know it. That means Dad will once again be wearing new underwear and smelling like he’s been attacked by a cologne salesman (who, in self defense, Dad likely strangled with his new paisley tie.) This year, why not break from tradition and do something special by letting Dad keep his multiple-exit underwear and, instead, give him something he really wants?
Like, say… bacon-scented body wash?
That’s right. As a service to fathers, we at Long Awkward Pause have assembled a short list of alternative gifts for Dad. Things that say how much you care about him even though, apparently, the Consumer Products Safety Commission does not.
Before we start, let me assure you that all of the following items are:
1) Real products.
2) Created by people whose primary heat source — we’re guessing — is a bong.
We’ll begin with the aforementioned body wash. When you get right down to it, the majority of men have two things on their mind.
Okay, three actually. But this isn’t a porn site.
The other two things are cars and meat. This Father’s Day, you can combine the best of both worlds by letting Dad smell like a giant strip of delicious bacon.
Thanks to new Bacon Body Wash, Dad can smell bacon-y fresh from every crevice! Think of how much he’ll enjoy his daily commute as the aroma of smoked pork permeates the interior of his car, all while knowing — for once — the strange smell isn’t coming from something stuffed between the seats.
Our next item is perfect for those hardworking, coffee-drinking dads who are always looking to squeeze more from their day. For these fathers, what better way to express your appreciation than by giving him his own Internet Urinal!
Never again will he have to stop in the middle of writing that report or playing solitaire to answer nature’s call. Imagine his sense of pride (and relief) as he watches less-appreciated fathers make frequent trips to the bathroom while, thanks to the thoughtfulness of his family, he remains at his desk with no excuse to leave.
At least, not until that bran muffin hits.
These next two items are prefect for fathers whose jobs are so stressful they don’t even have time to use an Internet Urinal!
This first gift idea reduces stress by allowing Dad to grow something at work that is both calming and won’t break the “no smoking” policy. I’m talking, of course, about the Chia-Bacca.
Provide Dad with many stress-free hours as he lovingly tends to his own Wookie “bonzai,” bringing the kind of inner peace that only comes from being avoided by everyone in the office.
And if that isn’t enough, throw in a Singing Stress Turtle for good measure.
Picture Dad in his office or cubicle, tending to his Chia-Bacca and listening to a rubber turtle as it crawls along the floor singing:
Slow down, you move to fast. Got to slow down and make the moment last…
If you include the Internet Urinal in this scenario, Dad will truly feel as though he’s hit the Father’s Day tri-fecta!
Which brings us to our final gift suggestion: Men’s Underwear Repair Kit.
To a man, you just can’t beat his favorite pair of old underwear. That’s because, in most cases, they’ll fall apart. Which is why he’ll truly appreciate something that says you don’t care how shlocky he looks, just as long as he’s comfortable and has no intention of leaving the house.
Along with things like a needle, thread, iron-on patches and an elastic waist band replacement, the kit also includes a bottle of “Underwear White-Out” for those times when bleach:
a) Isn’t enough,
b) Will cause his favorite underwear to implode on contact.
That said, keep in mind it doesn’t really matter what you give Dad this Father’s Day, as long as it comes from the heart.
But wrapping it in bacon wouldn’t hurt.
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