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Grads: Don’t look back… because your old room is already a hot tub

image To this year’s high school graduates: As you cross the stage to receive your diploma, remember that you’re crossing a brand new threshold in your young life. That’s because, in most cases, your parents have already arranged for the contents of your room to be hauled onto the front lawn and sold, probably during the graduation ceremony itself.

Or maybe even at the graduation ceremony itself:

“Before we call our next graduate, I’d like to turn your attention to the roller blades I’m wearing. They, along with other items belonging to Jeffery Schlopendorf, will be available for purchase after the ceremony in the courtyard.”

That’s right; by the time you get home, you’ll be lucky if you’re room still has the same light switch. I know this may sound harsh, but it is something that parents do out of LOVE. It’s about your parents helping you make that important transition into independence, even if it means turning your bedroom into patio space between the new hot tub and gazebo. I know it’s hard to believe, but that’s how much your parents are willing to sacrifice in order to help you find your place in the world — which, by the way, doesn’t include living in the attic, basement or any of the utility closets.


This means finding a job. Something that will allow you to apply the cumulative knowledge you’ve acquired through years of higher education. It means eventually competing in today’s tough job market against like-minded graduates.

It means, in many cases, a career in the food service industry.

For those who might be contemplating this opportunity (or who might be wearing a hair net at this very moment), keep in mind that some of the world’s most successful business people got their start in the food service industry. And keep in mind that just because I can’t think of any right now doesn’t mean it’s not true, because I’m pretty sure I read it somewhere. Really.

Okay. Fine.

I’m a big fat liar.

It doesn’t mean that working in fast food can’t be rewarding. In fact, ask any writer and they will tell you that there’s nothing more rewarding than being a fry cook. To prove it, I’m going to stop writing at this very moment and pose this question to each of my fellow colleagues here in the LAP staff room…

_ _ _
_ _ _
_ _ _

You see? Just as I expected: everyone here at LAP agrees there is nothing more rewarding than being a fry cook!

[Chris: Please note you are surrounded by big fat liars.]

So, what does all of this mean exactly for you graduates?

It means taking your first steps into the world on your own! As you do, I’d suggest you stop by that table in the courtyard one last time.

You never know when a cheap pair of roller blades might come in handy.



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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

27 Comments on Grads: Don’t look back… because your old room is already a hot tub

  1. Helena Hann-Basquiat // May 29, 2015 at 7:28 am //

    Great stuff, Ned. Don’t forget that after six months as a fry cook, you have a chance at being honoured with Employee of the Month. That’s something to put on your resume.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Looking forward to successful launches!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes Ned, if you have no dreams they never come true. My ex came up with a new game plan – but then she always did think out of the box. She and i were separated, so i wasn’t involved – honest. When her two kids (from another marriage) finished school and both decided they wanted to work and got fulltime jobs but did not want to move out – she said fine – forced them to buy the house and moved herself downtown into a condo close to her work. It is brilliant Ned; 1) no room in the condo for them; 2) money to invest before she got too old (he house was paid off); 3)does not need a car to commute (although she keeps one for weekends and errands she puts very few miles on it and it is garaged inside so it will last forever); 4) condo investment (paid off) will appreciate over the years; 5) no room for the kids 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • *Stands and applauds*


    • I’m curious: how did she compel the kids to buy the house? Guns? Blackmail?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m guessing yes and yes.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well, they are actually actually Acadians – French from New Brunswick (the same ones that were expelled by the British in 1755 and were dropped in Loiusiana where some became Cajuns and the rest walked back home where there were no roads). As a culture, they are extremely property oriented and set down solid roots. Very few move in their life time and some family homes have been inhabited for centuries by the same family. My wife was an exception – she wanted to get out of that community. But her children got so attached to our home – living in it for 24 years – that they would much rather buy it than move. So it was easy peasy – the kids jumped on the offer. When my ex was promoted at Canada Post and transferred to Ottawa, CP had a policy in place where they would subsidize anyone transferred so they could get comparable housing for the same price. She had a single dwelling built by her husband that was huge and sat on land she got free from family, So she owed very little. Down there the big house was worth about $200,000 (ocean front property). that translated to about $400,000 in Ottawa so she was subsidized $200,000 We had a short term mortgage with payments of $400. per month and paid the house off very quickly. That left her with a lot of property value as the house doubled in value in 20 years. It was no big deal to make arrangements with the kids that they could afford without getting killed with interest. So they borrowed a lump sum that she could invest and are paying her condo mortgage. ha! the payments will go on until she dies – but the kids got a good deal – that helped sell the house to them.

        Liked by 1 person

        • So awesome I could slap myself.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah, as a tax payer, i cringed at the $200 K payout (“would you like that in $100 bills? Oh, that’s,true, it’s too much to carry – we’ll just put it in your bank for you” Shudder.) As the husband of the person getting it I was happy. It really gave her a leg up on retirement.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. The upside to being a fry cook is French fries. Golden, delicious French fries.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Actually, i can think of many successful people who got their start in the fast food industry: Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald, Hamburglar, Wendy…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My oldest graduates Monday. I’m so proud of him! He really turned into a great kid…man…manchild…I will be bawling like a baby!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lots of budding Ray Krocs

    Liked by 1 person

  8. menopausalmother // May 29, 2015 at 11:38 pm //

    When one of my daughters finally moved out after college, she wasn’t gone 24 hours when I had her old room painted, my desk moved in and a new couch delivered so that I could set up my office. The message was clear: there was NO turning back. She was not impressed….

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Generic comment

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I feel Remember high school


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