Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of:
May 10th – May 16th 2015
Puff, Puff…Can’t Pass…I’m On Satellite
If you are on South African television having a debate about the legalization of marijuana, and the opposing side is nipping at your chi…what better way to get yourself back into a more centered plane than to light up a big doobie on air?
Because when it comes down to it, you really have two choices:
A) Get all angry and scream your point across, which will just get you flustered and possibly make an ass of yourself on TV
B) Light up a fat one, take some puffs, calm down, grab a bag of Doritos, and possibly make an ass of yourself on TV
Warning: Dagga is South African for pot
Warning: Pompous pot smoker ahead
She Was A Fast Machine, But More Importantly…She Kept Her Motor Clean
Talk about getting a hot piece of tail (pipe)! This man is indeed, having sex with a car.
Don’t worry, the car is of consensual age. We believe it’s a 1992 Honda Civic.
This guy must have some game, because he did talk the car into letting him have anal.
Deflategate…Will It Affect Ted 2?
The New England Patriots will be fined $1 million dollars, and Quarterback Tom Brady will be suspended for 4 games after the incident in which the team was found to have used underinflated footballs during the playoffs.
They also have to forfeit their first-round selection in the 2016 NFL Draft and their fourth-round pick in the 2017 draft.
They also have to hand write 100 times, “I will not underinflated football balls.”
And finally, the Patriots will have to donate 200 hours of inflating footballs…to the correct size mind you…for charity.
Warning: Boring! (Unless you are a Patriots fan)
If you are one of the millions of fans who actually care, and believe in the New England Patriots’ innocence, then there is a GoFundMe account for YOU to help pay the fines. You can donate here: www.gofundme.com/newenglandpatriots
Do You Like Swedish Seaman?
Russia keeps wanting to ram their long, hard submarines into the spread open gaps of the Swedish territories. Sweden is known for their hospitality, chocolate, and open-to-anything-lifestyle, but…come on…at least send over some Russian vodka first as foreplay!
The Swedish Peace and Arbitration Society has come up with a peaceful way of keeping the Russians at bay by playing on their fears of homophobia. Fears that are justified when you are stuck in Siberia for months with only your male friend Borg, 6 crates of vodka, and a Husky with the bluest of eyes…
The defense system is dubbed as the “Singing Sailor Underwater Defense System.” It also uses an underwater sonar to dispatch a Morse code message that translates to: “This way if you are gay.”
Warning: Neon Jiggling Junk
Definitely Have A Cow Man
Say goodbye to Ned Flanders, Mr. Burns, Otto, and Principal Skinner as the voice of these iconic characters calls it quits.
That voice belongs to Harry Shearer. He also voices a dozen other characters. This is all on top of the announcement that the Simpsons will live for two more seasons…and then…quite possibly forever.
Shearer is leaving over contract disputes.
So what are the options for the producers of The Simpsons?
A) Hire a Harry Shearer voice impersonator?
B) Kill all of the characters that he voices?
C) Fix his contract?
D) Rerun old shows and pretend they are new shows for the next two years?
E) Make all his characters mutes?
F) Slowly have the Futurama characters take over?
King Of Blues To Play Tribute Concert For Elvis
BB King dies in his sleep in Las Vegas. He was 89.
Apparently God had wanted to hear a little box guitar blues.
In other news, your Facebook/Twitter feed should only be full of BB King death notices for about 2 days.
Warning: Apple users hate free U2 albums
News From The Office
Not much happening this week…
Oma’s beard is starting it’s own blog…more details as they come in.
Katie rearranged her desk drawers alphabetically.
Ned channeled his inner Liam Nielsen:
Rants is now the new spokesman for Kraft Mac and Cheese
Mark, co-host of the Pausecast, blew out his knee playing dodgeball, so the first podcast might be delayed a week.
Jack ate a twinkie.
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