The following internal McDonald’s memo has been leaked to a LAP reporter.
Dear valued McDonald’s employees!
Our company is going through challenging times, and the best way to overcome the challenges is to select the most capable leaders to take our company forward.
It is with this goal in mind that we announce some very exciting changes to our organizational structure. Effective May 1, Joseph Stalin will be joining our executive team, assuming the position of Senior Executive Vice President of Strategy and Human Resources. If Joseph’s name sounds familiar, that’s because Joseph Stalin had made himself a household name as an effective and no-nonsense Chief Executive Officer of the Soviet Union, Inc. for over three decades.
Joseph began his career in the private sector, robbing banks to subsidize the Communist revolution, which is exactly the skill set our company has been searching for in order to raise capital to turn our company around while leveraging the private-public synergy.
The bulk of Joseph Stalin’s experience has been in the public sector, and we see it as an advantage rather than a handicap, because he will bring a fresh perspective and his superior leadership skills which would undoubtedly be instrumental in ensuring our company’s future success.
Under his leadership, Soviet Union had become the undisputed #1 market leader in a continent-sized region, capturing an incredible 98% to 99% of the market share across every consumer product segment within its area of operations, and had put the Soviet Union in the position to retain its domination of market share for decades thereafter.
As our consumers are increasingly looking for healthy food alternatives, we are hoping that Joseph can repeat the success he had achieved in Soviet Union, where he almost completely eradicated customer obesity with minimum investment. And as our company is developing a plan for meeting our customers needs in the future, we are extremely fortunate to have Joseph and his exceptional expertise in central planning.
Joseph Stalin is also uniquely qualified to address the twin problems of low morale and a relatively high turnover rate among our employees. Using his innovative Six Sigma GULAG program famous for many camps aimed to improve employees’ concentration, Stalin was able to achieve an unbelievable 99.999% employee retention rate during his Soviet Union tenure. At the same time, he had implemented one of the most successful workforce reduction programs of the last century, scaling down the Soviet Union immense workforce by tens of millions in just a couple of years. We are excitedly looking forward to Joseph’s leveraging his proven know-hows at our company.
His direct reports will be Pol Pot, Executive Vice President, Employee Relations and Tomas de Torquemada, Executive Vice President in charge of Job Interviews and Grilled Products.
We are very excited about this change and we would like you to join us in congratulating Joseph and welcoming him to our organization.
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