LAP Covers the Election
After I recovered from my St. Patrick’s day research, Howard the Manager waddled over to my desk and dropped a manila folder on my desk. It had jelly donut spoo on it, but we’re all used to that here at LAP.
“Here’f your next assignment,” he said around a cakey mouthful. He added something that sounded like, ‘Dent the puck up,’ but I wasn’t sure. I’m not a hockey guy, nor do I particularly like donuts.
Inside, my dread turned to horror. I was supposed to craft some intelligent piece about the buildup to the 2016 election. Howard had collected some clippings about Hillary, Rubio and Cruz. There were some scribbles about Rand Paul and softball questions on the inside flap.
After a long five seconds of thought, I decided to take my usual approach to Howard’s assignments. On my way to take a dump and clear my head, I jammed the folder in the shredder jelly and all.
Instead of wheedling interviews with the major candidates, I decided that I’d make up a list of other good people who ought to run for President instead. The homeless dude who camps out near our dumpster refused to let me include him.
Douche Guy: A solid challenger for Chris Christie, The Douche Guy will appeal to the Jersey crowd and younger voters. Sure to offend everyone, Douche Guy will polarize the field of candidates and force a better examination of the issues. In addition, Douche Guy could reintroduce orange spray-tan, duckface and popped collars again.
Real Doll: Real Doll can bring the appeal of the woman candidate to the field of choice. In addition, she will have a better appeal than Nancy Pelosi and more common sense and brains, too. She can also change up her wig to appeal to a wider segment of minorities. Her experience – getting screwed daily – will appeal to the blue-collar wage earners of America and lend her a genuine quality.
Sam Elliott’s Mustache: A strong conservative candidate, Sam Elliott’s Mustache will bring gravitas and respect back to the oval office. Like Chuck Norris’ beard, the world will take S.E. Mustache seriously and rekindle a new approach to foreign policy and military intervention for peaceful ass-kicking purposes. Photogenic and well-spoken, he’ll appeal across the base with the maturity and character.
Sock Puppet: This person is as close to ideal as they get. Without a clear gender, orientation or race, Sock Puppet can avoid the usual pitfalls of candidacy. Being a limp, spineless and undefined entity, voters will quickly identify Sock Puppet as a savvy Washington insider. Sock Puppet will be seen as the candidate who can manipulate the system for Americans. The googly eyes will give him/her/it a trust-able quality.
Cast your ballots now by using the comment box!
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Wow, it looks like Sock Puppet would be tough to beat…
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You have no idea.
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The sock does have that down-to-earth feel…
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Sort of like… wool.
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I vote mustache.
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Cool! One vote in…
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You know what you really need – a Canadian to run for President. All would be good then.
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I was about to say our Constitution prohibits foreign-born folks from being President, but I guess we’ve already ignored that one, too.
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I respectfully submit Bacon Strip to the list of potential nominees. I mean, who doesn’t like bacon? Members of a sleeper cell, that’s who…
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It would be very difficult protecting Bacon Strip from the predations of hungry cracktivists.
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True. Plus there’s always the concern of even more pork barrel spending.
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Yep. Congress slips the pork in every chance they get.
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That explains the soreness.
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Change. It’s coming.
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Sam Elliott’s Mustache edged Tom Selleck’s Mustache because of Selleck’s dated alliance with Newt Gingrich’s executive style haircut. Elliott’s Mustache has the conservatism that appeals to the modern age.
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Never saw that coming, but you have a point.
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I was recently told to grow up, so I’m voting mustache. Mustaches seem grown up.
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They are. They demonstrate that you at least survived puberty.
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Meh…maybe I’ll write in you…or me…or Ronald McDonald…or Burger King…or anyone who is not running…ugh.
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Not me. Nobody’s ready for my Administration.
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You’d be surprised, cuz I can imagine. Oh well, that’s all I’m gonna say on that cuz my mouth gets me in trouble.
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I am too blunt to be a politician. Also too honest.
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So am I and that’s why my mouth gets me in trouble.
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Yep.
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I say we turn the Presidency into a reality show! As far as Presidents go, we’ve had just about every kind of negative male stereotype in Office so far- slave owners, raging drunks, womanizers, etc. I say it’s time to switch things up and elect a modern day hot mess of a woman to Office. Not one that can actually get anything done, because that would be ludicrous. No, we need one of those semi-functioning closet alcoholics who feels bitter and betrayed by men and announce it every chance they get. The kind that force inappropriately intimate relationships on men they hardly know and then feel spurned the moment those men pay any form of attention to other women. Can you just imagine that State of the Union Address?
I’d love to watch the very first time she meets with a foreign Head of State and regales him with tales of minor childhood indignities that she calls abuse, suffered at the hands of her father/uncle/milkman, with the expectation that he satisfy her narcissistic-fueled insecurities with instant words of absolute adoration. Since he’s a normal functioning human being he won’t respond with anywhere near what she needs, and that will be awesome for viewers! Because then we can watch her spiraling vitriol stream live as she publicly emasculates this man by adding him to her epic list of males responsible for her trust issues. Of course this will have to air at 3:00am after a heavy night of drinking alone in the dark. But that’s alright, because the next morning viewers will be treated to a bonus address where she blames the American people for misunderstanding her intention and choice of words, soon to be followed by weeks of passive-aggressive speeches directed at no one in particular.
Get on board, people! I smell ratings!
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I’ve either read a story like this, or written one… not sure. It all seems so familiar.
Great idea!
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That might almost make me want to buy a tv…but no. You have the flip of a coin, but as you said, it has already been done.
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I mean the comment to be farcical, but the more I think about it, the more I think the idea of a damaged woman President has merit. Not an educated or qualified female, but an honest to goodness train wreck.
Let’s face it- men rule the world, they always have. History books are jam packed with stories of pillaging and plundering and conquest. So how do we, as a gender, overcome their “cockfidence?” We elect the craziest of our gender! Tell me there is anything that will make a grown man’s ‘nads crawl up inside him faster than a woman who thinks she’s got her shit together, but is really looking for a man to save her from herself. Kim Jong Un wouldn’t stand a chance against a classic oversharer. Can you imagine trying to work on foreign policy with a woman who, without prompting, lays out her entire sordid dating history and explains why it’s caused her to have trust issues? And how she knows he’s going to be so great to work with because he is different from other men and they have so much in common and she just knows that HE’D never disappoint her. KJU would chew his arm off to get out of the room five minutes in. End of conflict! Then we’ll send her to deal with ISIS! Men everywhere will run screaming in the other direction! No more tension! No more war! It’s brilliant!
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I like the counter-ISIS idea. Maybe we airdrop your hot mess on them… I’ll run it by my people here in The Building. I’m thinking it’ll get the green light in five minutes.
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