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SPIDER-MAN SAVES EASTER!

Back in the 1970’s there was a weird phenomenon where the entertainment industry (in collusion with Hallmark) decided in order to take our minds off the Cold War and the oil crisis, our precious holidays were under attack and therefore had to be saved. You can still see the post-traumatic stress effects of this if you watch FOX News in December. The whole thing jumped the shark in 1978 when rock band KISS saved a Magic Mountain amusement park in what apparently was a rejected Scooby-Doo script. But, before that we got this gem where Spider-Man saves Easter from the sinister Funny Bunny. It appeared in the June 1975 issue of Marvel Comics and The Electric Company’s “Spidey Super Stories” because nothing screams Easter like a comic book released in June.

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The first page of this action packed adventure is all back story. We learn the horrible origin of the funny bunny and get a behind the scenes look at Spidey’s bachelor pad, complete with table, chair, lamp, and other shorter table. Spidey is lounging around in full costume (for some reason) reading one of the few editions of The Daily Bugle where the headline isn’t “Spider-Man is a Goddamn Menace”. Instead this issue tells of another attack from the Funny Bunny. This segues nicely to the reveal that The Funny Bunny was once a “normal” person who turned to a life of crime after a bully sat on her Easter basket. Because that makes complete sense in every way possible.

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Anyway, the Funny Bunny now steals from kids’ Easter baskets while wearing a bunny costume that was not sanctioned by Hugh Hefner.

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Our next page reveals the Funny Bunny in action from what I can only assume is the account in the article Spidey is reading. We see two horribly dressed “children” alone in the forest. I doubt they are really children since one of them has a receding hairline and instead I am afraid that the Funny Bunny has interrupted some bizarre adult Easter basket giving fetish orgy. Whatever, I digress. The (cough) children are forcing each other to guess what awful sex toys they have hidden in their baskets and like true morons they cover their eyes while calling out “jelly beans” and “chocolate duckie”. Chocolate duckie? What the fu… anyway, this gives the Funny Bunny the opportunity needed to swipe these Easter “favorites” away from Sissy Boy Bart and Mistress Stupid.

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Thankfully we leave those two and are back in Spidey’s apartment where he is still hanging out with his lamp. For some reason Spider-Man is really upset about the Funny Bunny’s petty misdemeanors and feels that he should leave the Green Goblin, Venom, Electro, The Lizard, Dr. Doom, The Kingpin, Sandman, The Vulture, and all the other A and B List Marvel villains to whatevers, so he can go and stop this barely D Lister. Spider-Man deduces that the most logical place for the Funny Bunny to strike next is the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. So, Spider-Man swings onto a speeding Amtrak and whisks off to Washington. He better hurry too, because Blaxploitation Michelle Obama is about to start the festivities out on the White House lawn!

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The children are told that the first one to roll their egg across the finish line will win a chocolate bunny and because this is 1975, that bunny is made entirely out of Hershey bars and hashish. Also, thanks to the grand tradition of lax Secret Service protocols, a woman dressed in a giant bunny outfit has had no problems sneaking onto the White House property and is not being questioned for lurking behind the bushes with evil eyebrows. They begin the countdown for the egg roll but luckily Spider-Man has arrived and has finished peeing in the hedges or something so he can stop the Funny Bunny while the Secret Service are off getting stoned with Cheech and Chong.

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At this point the Funny Bunny finally pounces out of the shrubbery and startles a girl in white pants. Technically this is not a crime and is just kind of rude; but that doesn’t stop Spidey from jumping out of his hidey-hole and webbing up Funny Bunny while little white pants flees in terror, because this is some f*cked up shit going on even for the 70’s. Blaxploitation Michelle Obama immediately thanks Spider-Man for his service because that’s what we do to heroes in America, you commie bastard.

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The rest children in the comic are so jaded that they decide that the giant bunny that appeared out of nowhere to physically harm them was a bummer, only because they were hoping for some chocolate (shaped like their attacker) instead. The children decide to get the heck out of the comic and walk off in their bell bottoms while Michelle mashes up Spider-Man with the Lone Ranger free-style. Spider-Man walks away as well with the Funny Bunny in tow; so she can face the hard, cold justice that committing Class B misdemeanors brings upon you in our revolving door court system. Funny Bunny will be back on the streets in 48 hours. Oh well, thank goodness that Spider-Man was there to avoid turning an event featuring children rolling hard boiled eggs across grass into some kind of spectacle.

 

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Happy Easter everyone!

 


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About Jack DeVoss (77 Articles)
Jackson Holden Solo DeVoss learned how to write poems from an old blind man he met while incarcerated in a Madagascan prison for crime he did not commit. After serving three long hard years, Solo was finally paroled when a wealthly lady friend paid the ransom for his release. Solo then traveled to a Shaolin monastery located high in the mountains of Myanmar; where he learned the mastery of many mystical and ancient arts from the Head Abbot, a crippled monk named Brother Lars who quoted Oscar Wilde too often. Two years later, Brother Lars and most of the other monks were killed - during an attack that was carried out under the cover of a horrendous snowstorm by ninja assassins of the Dark Hand Cult. Solo and a few others escaped, but the monastery was burnt to the ground. After slumming around Southeast Asia for five years, Solo migrated back to his home in the United States - where he became a vigilante crimefighter, fighting against the nefarious schemes of the Dark Hand Cult and its ninja assassins. He also published his first book, 'Names For Boys And Girls' and a collection of poems entitled 'Columbus Lost Another Genius'. Solo now lives in an abandoned church in Columbus, Ohio where he writes freelance, fights crime, and has a major drinking problem.

3 Comments on SPIDER-MAN SAVES EASTER!

  1. I love your analysis. They are all wearing such strange costumes in this, aren’t they? Michelle looks great, as she always does. 🙂 Happy Easter!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Spidey of course overlooks the more heinous crime of white bell bottoms and gets all facist on the bunny. Hmm.

    Like

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