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Science links obesity to fat, lazy microbes

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Scientists at Cornell University have created a device capable of measuring the weight of a single cell. This is big news because it moves us beyond the limits of sub-gram measurements “nano,” “pico” and “femto,” and into an exciting new realm of measurements known as “zeppo,” “harpo” and “groucho.” This could eventually lead to the smallest and least-known unit of measure, “chico.”

Many of you are probably wondering how useful this information really is when it seems most things — cars, houses, Americans in general — are actually getting bigger. Personally, I see no benefit in being able to describe my weight as “a little over 70 trillion harpo-grams.”

Nor do I want to be around when my wife discovers, after eating that extra helping of potato salad this July Fourth, that she not only gained back the 17 trillion zeppo-grams she’d lost, but also put on an extra two billion grouchos. It doesn’t matter that all of this adds up to less than a single uncooked lima bean. What matters is that I make the potato salad, and will therefore be held responsible.

As Cornell University scientists explained, this new system of measurement is a tremendous breakthrough because it allows them to weigh things that had previously been too small for anyone to actually care about. To help you appreciate this advancement, I will attempt to explain the science behind the discovery. You should know I will be referring to “oscillating cantilevers” and “sextillions.” Rest assured that these are completely innocuous words, especially since I have no idea what they mean.

However, according to scientists, the discovery of sub-gram measurements was made by using “tiny oscillating cantilevers” to detect a change in the mass of something as small as one “sextillion.” This is equal to one-thousandth of a femtogram or, put in more practical terms, roughly the size of one bacterium nostril.

Why is this important?

Because, as far as I know, this is the first time anyone has actually used the term “bacterium nostril” in a blog post. But even more importantly, scientists will tell you that it’s our dogged pursuit of knowledge that separates us from the apes (Who, as we all know, have really big nostrils.)

The bigger question, of course, is how this new ability to weigh microorganisms will affect you and me, the general nose-breathing public. With our nation’s obesity problem in mind, I am using this technology to launch my own weight loss program. Unlike other programs, mine strikes at the heart of our obesity issue by placing blame where it belongs: squarely on the shoulders of big fat microbes, which constantly hang all over us, therefore making us appear to weigh more than we actually do. The “Nedkins Micro Diet” is actually in bookstores right now, so look for it on the shelves.

You’ll have to look hard, though.

It’s pretty small.

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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

13 Comments on Science links obesity to fat, lazy microbes

  1. DhananjayaParkhe // March 30, 2015 at 7:29 am //

    Reblogged this on The C Suite Leadership Mentor.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ha! Hilarious Ned – look my reading schedule is full for the next 17 years so I doubt I’ll have the time to read that tome of literature – The Nedkins Diet.

    i can just see those pesky scientists now running all over the place with their silly teeny tiny oscillating scales weighing everything not in sight. we will now have the somewhat dubious pleasure of knowing exactly what everything we can’t see weighs. It’s bad enough that we have to know what we can see weighs. Next thing you know, they’ll be accusing me of accidentally stepping on their scales and ruining everything. And what do these scales cost? Then they’ll put up our taxes in order to buy thousands of these scales that are too small to see. When we complain as taxpayers that the cost is too high for something we can’t see, they’ll tell us how important it is to know what we can’t see weighs. The world worked just fine for a gazillion (see, there’s another one of those technical terms) years without us knowing what microbes weighed. Now I’ll go to the doctor’s and he’ll be telling me that my microbes are too fat. And he’ll say i have to go on the Nedkins diet – the only diet that makes microbes lose weight, and I’ll tell him that I am too busy for the next 17 years to read it. We’ll have an argument and I’ll have to get a new doctor.

    Oh, Lord Ned, this is really going to mess up my day to day life. Is there anything you can do to help?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’d lend you my scale, Paul,but I put it down somewhere and now I can’t find it. By the way, you haven’t seen my Nedkins book laying around anywhere, have you?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m CRUSHING YOUR HEAD!! Thanks for the reminder of The Kids In The Hall. Also all those terms crushed my capacity to think straight.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. My parents still use Imperial units; this is going to mess them up something awful. How many Monty Pythons to a Groucho?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. sorry to use a big fat cliche, but this is laugh out loud funny. thanks

    Liked by 1 person

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