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Your One Direction Questions Answered

Looking for answers about One Direction and why Zayn left? I’m here for you.

The world was knocked a little off its axis this week by the news that Zayn Malik has left the British boy band, One Direction.

(public domain)

I’m sure we all know where we were and what we said when we heard the news. I remember it like it was yesterday, which it was. I was on my couch, read about it on Google News and said “who?”

But anything involving One Direction affects everyone. Even someone like me, who didn’t know that Zayn was a name, knows that the world is not the same today as it was before he left the band. It is at times like these that the world needs answers.

I am here to give the world the One Direction answers it so desperately needs. For the next several days or weeks – for as long as it takes to get the planet through the crisis caused by Zayn’s departure – I will answer all your questions about him and the band that he is no longer part of.

Think of this as a press conference where the person answering the questions doesn’t know anything about what he’s talking about. So really, this will be like every other press conference you’ve ever seen.

Feel free to ask me any question involving One Direction and I will give you the answer that you deserve. Want to know which of them would survive longest in a vacuum? I’ll tell you. Need to know how many points you’d score playing Zayn Malik in Scrabble? That’s why I’m here. Which of the band members would Hannibal Lechter enjoy most with a cabernet and some fava beans? I’ve got your answer.

All you have to do is ask your question in the comment section. I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can. Don’t forget to come back by for your answer and, of course, follow-up questions are welcome.


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42 Comments on Your One Direction Questions Answered

  1. How much negative cred would Justin Bieber gain by taking whatshisname who just left? Also, since I have no idea who the fcuk One Direction is, can I safely assume they’re not a metal band?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad we can lead off with the question so many of the bands fans are asking. The split in the band is due to zayn’s resistance to doing an album of metal covers. He did not want to go up the rails on a crazy train.

      Regarding Bieber, I don’t think he is eligible because he doesn’t have a British accent. Oddly, he also doesn’t have two other things that all Canadians have – a Canadian accent and likability.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. What goes better with fish? White or Red wine…also…who is One Direction?


    • Insiders have always suspected that Zayn heard her siren song.

      Please note that in using the term siren I’m not saying Yoko has ever been hot. I’m saying her voice is like an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on Blurt and commented:

    Once, the world was predictable and safe. But now we know that one of the members of the band One Direction has left the group.

    Now, questions abound. How will we go forward from here? Why did this happen?

    Join me at Long Awkward Pause as I answer all your questions about a group I know nothing about and a future I no longer understand.


  4. I heard the groupis actually breaking up because Harry Styles is opening his own hair salon. I’m pretty sure you can guess the name…


    • Hmm… Harry’s Cuts? No wait. Harry Back…sort of like hurry back? Get it?

      I still think they can go on with three or four members, however many of them are left. Look at Genesis. Steve Howe left. Peter Gabriel left. They kept going. They even put out two good records…and then crap, but I loved the Duke album.

      I’m sorry, I drifted off and talked about an actual band, not a boy band.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. why does Zayn spell his name like a tool? What’s wrong with Zane? Or Jeff, for that matter?


    • …or Matt? Why the hell not Matt? It’s good enough for you and my son. Ok, here’s why –

      His parents liked the sound of the name, but wanted a spelling that would get him beaten up in middle school. They went with Zayn, but also considered the following mis-spellings of Zane:

      So while it is true that he spells his name like a tool, his name also proves that it takes a tool to make a tool.


  6. So it’s One Direction, but what direction is it, exactly?


  7. What type (kind?) of Barbie does this make Zayn? Reformed Ventriloquist Barbie? That’s two questions (kind of) but whatever.


  8. Driving home from work listening to the BBC…planes falling out of the sky, Putin puttin’ on his usual show, Ebola still holding much of west Africa hostage, the continuing scourge of rapists in India, three new names to have to learn of terrorists groups and/or politicians wrecking (wreaking?) havoc…and then this solemn announcement about some guy leaving some band and something more about his Tweeted apology to fans. I stared at my car radio for a long while more confused than I have ever been. Thank you for letting me to know I wasn’t alone. Best PSA ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, it is very upsetting. And then you have Putin, India, Terror/Politicians.

      I do have to point out that ebola is no longer a problem because the US media has stopped covering it. Six months ago, it was going to kill us all; now it’s all good because it is in Africa.Very sad statement on our view on the world.

      Maybe One Direction has ebola. That would get coverage.

      Liked by 2 people

  9. I endure 2 hours of the One Direction concert movie last year. (The joys of having a 7-year-old daughter.) I still don’t know which one Zayn is.


    • That’s awful. You’re a good mom. Guess that comes with it. Maybe you should watch it again and then catch a show to see who is missing?

      On second thought, don’t go to a show. You’ve done enough.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. OMG, I read this and I was all like “Has terrorism been ruled out? Could Zayn be totally on his way to Syria right now to try and join, you know, like, ISIS??”


    • I got through the first line and thought “I don’t think she understand terrorism. Taking him would be helping, not hurting us”.

      He could be though. I hear a lot of people are going as brides.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. How many slices of pizza can Zayn fit in his mouth at once? What’s his favorite episode of The Brady Bunch? Does he peel bananas before eating them? Has he ever been to New Zealand? Has he ever touched a squirrel? Oh my god so many questions I think I’m hyperventilating.


    • Is touching a squirrel a euphemism? If so, yes.

      He peels bananas from the wrong end, just like Marcia Brady. He has been to New Zealand, but New Zealand didn’t appreciate it.

      He can fit a whole pizza in his mouth, but it has to be turned sideways.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Ugh. My sister loves One Direction. I don’t get it. What’s the appeal?


    • One of the theories about the Salem Witch Trials (ok, let’s pause here and admit that neither of us saw this answer coming) is that the girls involved were driven temporarily mad by consuming mold on some potatoes. Do your parents undercook their potatoes or are they a little sketchy on how they store stuff? I’d recommend dropping starches from her diet for a week. There really is no appeal without mold.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I have my daughter’s old posters of each of the One Direction members rolled up in the back of my car to take to the thrift store (not related to the break up, but the timing was good)- will they still take the one of Zayn as a set or should I just burn it?


    • Oh, as a set, for sure. On Antiques Road Show, a complete set of anything is always worth more. Don’t forget to get a receipt!

      Also, in furtherance of the theory I put forth in the answer just previous to yours – was your daughter eating a lot of potatoes when she liked One Direction?


  14. Reblogged this on xxxmemen.


  15. What kind of therapy would you recommend to the millions of fans to help them deal with this momentous event that has ruined their lives forever ?

    Also, what is a bigger tragedy – that we no longer have any of the original Ramones or that Zany left One Direction? Oh who am I kidding? Of course it is that Zany left One Direction.


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