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You Can’t Look Away From Little Caesars Bacon Crust Pizza

Big news, mediocre pizza fans! Little Caesars pizza has gone from tasting like poop to tasting like bacon-wrapped poop with the introduction of their bacon crust pizza.

Bacon wrapped pizza

5 out of 5 doctors do not recommend

This comes as bad news to Catholics who just gave up junk food for Lent. Why couldn’t Little Caesars have waited to release this bacon orgy until after April 2nd? It’s okay, Catholics. I’m sure licking the computer screen tastes just as good as the real thing. Seriously.

The company has stated that 3.5 feet of bacon is wrapped around the perimeter of this artery-clogging treat. That’s 3.5, folks, The same number of days you’ll be feeling the after effects of your poor decision.

The pizza came out on February 23rd which is perfect for those who STILL haven’t gotten a Valentine’s Day gift for their side piece yet. Got a case of the Mondays? Pick up one of these bad boys after work and you can also have a case of the trots.

Social media is already raving with excitement about this monstrosity and I’m not surprised. Somewhere, somehow, our culture has become bacon obsessed. Even more so we’ve become Franken-food obsessed. I’m not exactly sure when our obsession started but I believe it was somewhere around the time of the KFC Double Down. If you’re not familiar that’s when KFC replaced their sandwich bread with two chicken filets. Americans everywhere were like “Oh snap! This fits in with my Atkins plan!”

Note: KFC now also has a Double Down Dog for those who claim they’re on a gluten-free diet but don’t give a flying fuck about cholesterol because YOLO.

double down dog

Eat a chicken and pig at the same time!

As much as we want to judge Little Caesars new bacon crust pizza, odds are half of us will try it. I can’t blame Little Caesars for coming out with such a concoction because they have to attempt to keep up with the competition. The real question is when did food that wasn’t mashed with another food become boring? What’s next? Spaghetti topped with cake? Steak covered in rainbow sprinkles?! Burritos stuffed with maple syrup?!!! Actually, that last one sounds kind of delicious.

One thing’s for certain. Right now at this very moment in Washington D.C. Michelle Obama is side-eyeing the hell at all this. Homegirl is trying to keep America’s youth fit yet we continue to create cheap, high-caloric mutant meals at an alarming rate.


Pizza shade

Will you be heading to Little Caesars next week to try out this new delectable abomination? Do you think America’s obsession with Franken-foods will ever end or continue to thrive? More importantly, have you ever noticed that the Little Caesars mascot has a sexy little tuft of chest hair just waiting to be tousled by your willing fingers? Comment below with your thoughts.

little caesars

Hot AND ready…


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About FitsofWit (1 Article)
I write about the humorous, awkward, and uncomfortable parts of life. Sometimes hysterical, sometimes serious, always entertaining.

34 Comments on You Can’t Look Away From Little Caesars Bacon Crust Pizza

  1. Reblogged this on Fits of Wit and commented:

    Today I’m over at Long Awkward Pause discussing the second most sexy thing ever… pizza.
    Kevin Spacey… you’re still my number one, boo.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh god that double down dog doesn’t even make sense!! I can’t…. I just can’t.


  3. Admittedly, I will not only try Little Caesar’s version, I will probably attempt my own bacon-crust version at home, assuming I can get it into the crust without eating it first. And I’d like to thank yoiu for pointing out that small tuft of chest hair. The next time I find a little curly black hair in my Little Caesar’s, I can just tell myself, “Hey! It’s just chest hair! Not a pube! Let’s eat!”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “It’s just a chest hair!”
    Still not comforting.


  5. I’ll probably try it because it reminds me of college when 2-for-1 pizza at Squeezers was the only “treat” we could afford one, precious night per week. This was followed by 2-for-1 on White Russians at the little bar across the parking lot from our apartment, but I digress.
    It will be great because all bad things are transformed into something wonderful by the magical properties of nostalgia.


    • So true about bad things being transformed into something wonderful just because of nostalgia. Kind of like how I miss my grandmother even though she was a blatant racist.
      Not sure how I feel about white russians after pizza. My stomach is trembling at the thought.


  6. I’m in the camp that says describing Little Caesar’s pizza as poop is a real insult to things that taste like poop… and to poop. Then again, I think you make an excellent point here because bacon will fix just about anything.


  7. That’s going to look amazing on my ass. ^_^

    Seriously, I will recreate that at home, but with about a quarter of the bacon.


  8. Ummmmm…. Bacon wrapped Poop….

    I don’t need to go to Little Cesears. I think I can do this at home, even cheaper and Locally sourced.


  9. I vomit a little bit in my mouth whenever I see that commercial for KFC’s bowl of whtever-the-f*%$ is left over from yesterday. Nasty business. All of it.


  10. Oh my gosh. I don’t think that even looks appetizing. I would be so, so sick if I ate that! Seriously! What is with the new frankenfood obsession that is going on? That double down dog looks like a double heart attack waiting to happen!


  11. Bwahahahaha! Right?! When did this become normal? All of these concoctions look disgusting to me. Lil’ Caesar’s chest hair however? Oh, baby!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Little Ceasars is the only pizza place where the box tastes better than the pie. (and 99% calorie free)


  13. I love bacon but am so done with it being everywhere. It’s great on the sauce and cheese part, but I usually toss the crust. So I doubt I’m going to try the pizza. But in some strange way, I’m jonesing that fried chicken hot dog thing. But without the mayo because, you know, health.


  14. I guess these food images could be a little disturbing to the untrained stomach… but it’s what goes into the food preparation process which leaves me more concerned. Things like eleven thousand secret herbs and spices.


  15. 3.5 ft of bacon isn’t nearly enough. I demand at least 10 feet. And if my arteries aren’t at least 90% clogged, I am going to write an angry letter.


  16. Ok I tried liking this post but it sort of didn’t really work….. So I’m giving you a gold star instead 🙂
    Hmmm there doesn’t seem to be a gold star in my smiley collection… Wow this is awkward…. How bout a pineapple instead? Screw it you don’t get a say…
    I present to you… The golden pineapple!!


  17. LadyLuvLee // March 6, 2015 at 11:32 pm //

    I must try the pizza…. I’m going to mention it to my husband first thing in the morning. I’m sure I will appreciate it much more than his side piece.


  18. Oh heck yes! Let’s be honest, Michelle Obama is probably going to try it too. 🙂


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