Big news, mediocre pizza fans! Little Caesars pizza has gone from tasting like poop to tasting like bacon-wrapped poop with the introduction of their bacon crust pizza.
This comes as bad news to Catholics who just gave up junk food for Lent. Why couldn’t Little Caesars have waited to release this bacon orgy until after April 2nd? It’s okay, Catholics. I’m sure licking the computer screen tastes just as good as the real thing. Seriously.
The company has stated that 3.5 feet of bacon is wrapped around the perimeter of this artery-clogging treat. That’s 3.5, folks, The same number of days you’ll be feeling the after effects of your poor decision.
The pizza came out on February 23rd which is perfect for those who STILL haven’t gotten a Valentine’s Day gift for their side piece yet. Got a case of the Mondays? Pick up one of these bad boys after work and you can also have a case of the trots.
Social media is already raving with excitement about this monstrosity and I’m not surprised. Somewhere, somehow, our culture has become bacon obsessed. Even more so we’ve become Franken-food obsessed. I’m not exactly sure when our obsession started but I believe it was somewhere around the time of the KFC Double Down. If you’re not familiar that’s when KFC replaced their sandwich bread with two chicken filets. Americans everywhere were like “Oh snap! This fits in with my Atkins plan!”
Note: KFC now also has a Double Down Dog for those who claim they’re on a gluten-free diet but don’t give a flying fuck about cholesterol because YOLO.
As much as we want to judge Little Caesars new bacon crust pizza, odds are half of us will try it. I can’t blame Little Caesars for coming out with such a concoction because they have to attempt to keep up with the competition. The real question is when did food that wasn’t mashed with another food become boring? What’s next? Spaghetti topped with cake? Steak covered in rainbow sprinkles?! Burritos stuffed with maple syrup?!!! Actually, that last one sounds kind of delicious.
One thing’s for certain. Right now at this very moment in Washington D.C. Michelle Obama is side-eyeing the hell at all this. Homegirl is trying to keep America’s youth fit yet we continue to create cheap, high-caloric mutant meals at an alarming rate.
Will you be heading to Little Caesars next week to try out this new delectable abomination? Do you think America’s obsession with Franken-foods will ever end or continue to thrive? More importantly, have you ever noticed that the Little Caesars mascot has a sexy little tuft of chest hair just waiting to be tousled by your willing fingers? Comment below with your thoughts.
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