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After 50 Shades of Magic Mike, men are trying to recover their manhood

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It was a tough week for the male persuasion. However, now that the 50 Shades of dust has settled, men are emerging from the proverbial rubble a bit shellshocked and checking for survivors. Not only did we go head-to-head with the release of 50 Shades, we were also flanked by Valentine’s Day AND word of a release date for “Magic Mike XXL.”

We were out manned. Out gunned. And when compared Christian Grey, in most cases we were probably… well, out maneuvered.

In the aftermath of this three-pronged attack on our general manhood, only the strong have survived. Plus maybe that guy too busy playing Assassin’s Creed in his mother’s basement. Whatever the case, men are now regrouping for a counter offensive. Something that will “shock and awe” the women in our lives into surrendering — at least in terms of the totally unrealistic expectations that have now been set for us men.

Yes, we realize trying to live up to an unrealistic standard of beauty and sexuality is a daily occurrence for women everywhere.

Yes, we know men are largely responsible for this.

But will you please stop thinking about yourselves and your own needs for one minute? Sheesh! Besides, this is totally different because, uh… we’re men. And if that isn’t enough of an explanation, consider the fact that in most cases we haven’t had to face our blatant inability to measure up since showering in high school gym class.

Or quite possibly since showering at the gym yesterday. At least, that’s how I imagine it must be for some men. Not that I’ve spent any time actually imagining it. I’m just saying I have to use my imagination since I’m not, you know, some men. (For any men at MY gym who might be reading this, before you say anything remember I’m the one usually available to spot you on the weights because I’m not doing anything else. That could change.)

In the wake of the unrealistic standards set for men last week, we must unite if we want to stand a chance of lowering women’s expectations to a manageable level. To facilitate this process, I have taken it upon myself as a representative of men everywhere (sorry guys, there was no time for an actual vote) to create a list of five unrealistic standards that have now been set by “Christian Grey” and “Magic Mike,” and compared them with reality. My hope is that it will provide some much-needed levity to a situation that is threatening to upset the natural balance of things.

Yes, I realize men have set the scales of this delicate balance so they won’t tip no matter how out of shape we get.

Yes, I understand the Scales of Justice are actually held by a blindfolded woman.

But please, ladies: If we’re going to put things back into balance like it needs to be — and I think we all agree it does — then you really need to lose the attitude.

Let’s start putting things into perspective.

1) Christian Grey has a “toy room” for his menagerie of devices for dispensing pain and pleasure that pushes women to their sexual limits. Realistically speaking, MOST men have a toy room for essentially the same purpose! Mixing pain with pleasure! It’s just that there’s generally an X-Box involved, and getting us to stop playing often pushes women to the limits of their patience.

2) Magic Mike’s chiseled physique causes women to go crazy and give him money while dancing at the club. Under the same circumstances, the average man could strip at a dance club and also get money. Yes, probably for bail, but I think you’re missing the point.

3) One of the main attractions to Christian Grey is his mystique. Women want to know what motivates him and why he does the things he does. Let’s be honest, ladies: Don’t you already ask yourself that question regarding the man in your life?

4) Sure, Magic Mike looks good removing his clothes as a fireman, police officer, construction worker, doctor, Benihana chef — but have you stopped to wonder where he might’ve gotten all those uniforms? Obviously, he’s a man who can’t hold down a job. Nothing sexy about that.

5) Christian Grey and Magic Mike are larger-than-life fictional characters portrayed by highly-paid Hollywood actors who have, by now, bared more than their souls to millions of women around the word. By comparison, the average man has revealed himself to fewer than a dozen women, which may or may not include the assistant who shaved him for his vasectomy. In the eyes of the average woman on the street, I think we know who actually has more mistique. Wouldn’t you rather be with that guy?

(And just to clarify, “that guy” isn’t named Christian or Mike.)

While it’s been a tough week to be a man, I do suppose the experience has helped us understand a little better what women go through on a daily basis in a world were the glass ceiling is often a magnifying glass focused on their imperfections.

And boy, have WE learned our lesson! Whew! Loud and clear!

So, uh… now can we get back to how things were?


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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

36 Comments on After 50 Shades of Magic Mike, men are trying to recover their manhood

  1. I’ve seen several “toy rooms” myself. I don’t know. There’s something really exciting about the idea of being pelted with vintage Transformers action figures. Maybe you’re on to something!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Okay, excellent list. This is a tragedy all men must fight. We should join together! Attack as one. Restore the balance.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Very good! I love the flow of your posts and I enjoy the ease and humor in your points. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Toy room equipment list.

    1) Large screen TV.
    2) LaZoy (vintage 1970).
    3) Beer.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s about time someone spoke up about this. Also, I think I could make money stripping… but in a sort of reverse process – pay me to put my clothes back on. That kind of deal.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. My husband’s “toy room” is an office! Poor guy!

    Great post as usual, Ned! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Did you say croupier? He could go for that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I miss Chris Farley so much… Thank you for finally representing the male point of view in a matriarchal society. I will try to be more sensitive in the future. And I will work on losing the attitude. 🙂 Pure genius!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Ah, so good to see you guys all whipped into shape. I look forward to the new paradigm.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Let me set your mind at ease a bit, Christian Grey is definitely not in my scope of what is considered sexy. This depiction of bdsm is so off center it makes me cringe. I read the books and will not pay to see the movie that depicts an abusive, manipulative man as an ideal for women’s fantasies. It is also giving young, (and some not so young) impressionable people a poor example of a form of sexuality that is quite different than this portrays. However, if it inspires people to experiment with toys n such, in a respectful and adult manner, that is a good thing.

    I haven’t seen Magic Mike either but dayum I have nothing against sexy men dancing around in front of me, the bummer of it is I’ve heard most male revue dancers are gay. So…to sum up, I don’t expect my man to “measure up” to the crap coming from the big screen.

    On a side note, I think if they had switched the roles to a female dominant in 50 shades, it would have been a hell of a lot sexier. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  11. “So, uh… now can we get back to how things were?”
    I sure hope so. I feel as lost as Kanye West in a group hug.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. This post made me say Bahahaha. The only reason I’ve heard about MM is that my mom (for god sake) wants me to watch it. I have to ask her “How about never?”, when she asks me when I want to see it. And now there’s gonna be another one? Aiyiyi.

    The other guy is so ubiquitous right now, one cant avoid him, but I refuse to have anything to do with the movie or books.

    Thanks for the laughs, Ned. :0)

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I may have seen the first Magic Mike at least fifty times. Ok, not the whole thing. Just the Olivia Munn topless part.

    I’m personally still waiting to get objectified sexually. No progress please until that happens a few dozen times.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Scott Groom // February 27, 2015 at 4:27 am //

    Reblogged this on Scott Groom – My Thoughts on the Big Wide World and commented:
    Brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Ugh, what most woman don’t think about having an amazing built man as a partner, is how imperfect they will feel themselves if they don’t fit the bill either. It’s just a fantasy guys, don’t get your boxers in a knot about it. Most of us don’t live up to The Black Widow or Lara Croft image either. If it helps boost any of your morales, I would rather have a steamy night with Seth Rogen than “50 shades of fucked up”.
    Thanks for making me laugh Ned!

    Liked by 1 person

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