It was a tough week for the male persuasion. However, now that the 50 Shades of dust has settled, men are emerging from the proverbial rubble a bit shellshocked and checking for survivors. Not only did we go head-to-head with the release of 50 Shades, we were also flanked by Valentine’s Day AND word of a release date for “Magic Mike XXL.”
We were out manned. Out gunned. And when compared Christian Grey, in most cases we were probably… well, out maneuvered.
In the aftermath of this three-pronged attack on our general manhood, only the strong have survived. Plus maybe that guy too busy playing Assassin’s Creed in his mother’s basement. Whatever the case, men are now regrouping for a counter offensive. Something that will “shock and awe” the women in our lives into surrendering — at least in terms of the totally unrealistic expectations that have now been set for us men.
Yes, we realize trying to live up to an unrealistic standard of beauty and sexuality is a daily occurrence for women everywhere.
Yes, we know men are largely responsible for this.
But will you please stop thinking about yourselves and your own needs for one minute? Sheesh! Besides, this is totally different because, uh… we’re men. And if that isn’t enough of an explanation, consider the fact that in most cases we haven’t had to face our blatant inability to measure up since showering in high school gym class.
Or quite possibly since showering at the gym yesterday. At least, that’s how I imagine it must be for some men. Not that I’ve spent any time actually imagining it. I’m just saying I have to use my imagination since I’m not, you know, some men. (For any men at MY gym who might be reading this, before you say anything remember I’m the one usually available to spot you on the weights because I’m not doing anything else. That could change.)
In the wake of the unrealistic standards set for men last week, we must unite if we want to stand a chance of lowering women’s expectations to a manageable level. To facilitate this process, I have taken it upon myself as a representative of men everywhere (sorry guys, there was no time for an actual vote) to create a list of five unrealistic standards that have now been set by “Christian Grey” and “Magic Mike,” and compared them with reality. My hope is that it will provide some much-needed levity to a situation that is threatening to upset the natural balance of things.
Yes, I realize men have set the scales of this delicate balance so they won’t tip no matter how out of shape we get.
Yes, I understand the Scales of Justice are actually held by a blindfolded woman.
But please, ladies: If we’re going to put things back into balance like it needs to be — and I think we all agree it does — then you really need to lose the attitude.
Let’s start putting things into perspective.
1) Christian Grey has a “toy room” for his menagerie of devices for dispensing pain and pleasure that pushes women to their sexual limits. Realistically speaking, MOST men have a toy room for essentially the same purpose! Mixing pain with pleasure! It’s just that there’s generally an X-Box involved, and getting us to stop playing often pushes women to the limits of their patience.
2) Magic Mike’s chiseled physique causes women to go crazy and give him money while dancing at the club. Under the same circumstances, the average man could strip at a dance club and also get money. Yes, probably for bail, but I think you’re missing the point.
3) One of the main attractions to Christian Grey is his mystique. Women want to know what motivates him and why he does the things he does. Let’s be honest, ladies: Don’t you already ask yourself that question regarding the man in your life?
4) Sure, Magic Mike looks good removing his clothes as a fireman, police officer, construction worker, doctor, Benihana chef — but have you stopped to wonder where he might’ve gotten all those uniforms? Obviously, he’s a man who can’t hold down a job. Nothing sexy about that.
5) Christian Grey and Magic Mike are larger-than-life fictional characters portrayed by highly-paid Hollywood actors who have, by now, bared more than their souls to millions of women around the word. By comparison, the average man has revealed himself to fewer than a dozen women, which may or may not include the assistant who shaved him for his vasectomy. In the eyes of the average woman on the street, I think we know who actually has more mistique. Wouldn’t you rather be with that guy?
(And just to clarify, “that guy” isn’t named Christian or Mike.)
While it’s been a tough week to be a man, I do suppose the experience has helped us understand a little better what women go through on a daily basis in a world were the glass ceiling is often a magnifying glass focused on their imperfections.
And boy, have WE learned our lesson! Whew! Loud and clear!
So, uh… now can we get back to how things were?
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