It's that time of year to celebrate Love and Black History. And who doesn't love black history? See what we did there? This week we are going to travel back in time. We are going to travel back to a much simpler era where life was grand, cars were a novelty, smoking was expected, and the women wore bathing suits like this: Looking sexy there ladies! Can you believe Beth and Mary Ann are revealing their knees! Scandalous! If Instagram was around during the roaring 20's this picture would be taken down for sure. The 'Free The Kneecap!' movement would not happen for about another 3 years...thank goodness! Since Valentine's Day is coming up, we figured we would focus on love this week. The Vintage Valentine's Day cards below (as far as we can tell) are all real. Even though women can now wear strings as bathing suits, we are pretty sure most men would be slapped for passing these out to their 'best' girl. Anyway... Happy Saturday!
1. I Think These Two Are In The Wrong Positions
BrainRants: How ironic is it that this resembles the cards terrorists send each other, except theirs have goats and not Brahma bulls.
Omawarisan: Pull my horns! Yes! Pull my horns!
Ned: And with the passing of Old McDonald, Mrs. McDonald grew increasingly lonely on the farm…
2. 1920’s Version Of A Dick Pic?
BrainRants: See Dick. Dick likes Jane. So does Billy, Dick’s owner.
Omawarisan: Is being cock sure a good thing? I mean, sometimes they don’t make wise choices.
Ned: I save being “cock sure” for really big decisions *cough cough*
3. Probably Not Because You Are A Eunuch
BrainRants: To continue the bestiality theme, this one with spicy Satanism.
Omawarisan: Come on man, you’re the Prince Of Darkness! You can’t afford a Brazilian?
Ned: Fine. In retrospect this card was probably a little racy for third grade. Sue me.
4. Saw This For 20 Pesos In Mexico Once
BrainRants: Animal lovin’ four out of four. What kind of sick people were our grandparents and great-grandparents?
Omawarisan: Only a jackass would wear a yellow tie with that suit. Only a jackass would wear that suit.
Ned: At least Hallmark was classy enough to re-think the tongue.
5. We Think This Is A Confusing Way To Say, “I Want To Have Sex.”
BrainRants: ‘Screwtinize,’ ‘Barber Pole’ and ‘Pig-Tail.’ You’ll find these in Urban Dictionary along with ‘Cleveland Steamer,’ ‘Dirty Sanchez,’ and ‘Blomper.’ And of course, another animal.
Omawarisan: “Consult your doctor immediately if you have an erection that lasts more than four hours or looks anything like a pig tail.”
Ned: I’m sorry my crossdressing friend, but the bottom line is you’re screwed.
6. Bill Cosby’s Granddad’s Valentine
BrainRants: A card for every fetish imaginable. Is this Rule #34? Thanks, Japan. AND ANOTHER ANIMAL!
Omawarisan: Don’t be CROSS, “GAS” who it is? Your valentine, Cathy Cankles.
Ned: “Be My Valentine.” — Love, Bride of Chucky
MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:
Facebook: Long Awkward Pause
Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag
LAP TV: YouTube
Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP? Click HERE.