Here comes the bride... All dressed in... What?! What do you do when your lovely bride to be wants to dress like characters from Lord of the Rings? Do you start off your marriage on a 'hell no!'? Or do you give in and look ridiculous for that one day... ...plus the $2000 worth of photography to remember it by for eternity... ...plus shared on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram... ...and comedy sites like...oh I don't know...us! Or do you put your foot down and risk chances of not having a super cool bachelor party? Because you know if you deny her this, she is going to deny you a having a super cool bachelor party. (And the strippers and ping pong balls have a no refund policy.) Duh! You give her what she wants, so you can get what you want. (Plus she has the boobs) Anyway... Happy Saturday!
1. The Deer Will Never See Us Tie The Knot
BrainRants: Because nothing is more classy than a mossy oak theme, followed by the honeymoon spent in the deer stand.
The Hedonist: Who started tapping the spoons on the cans of Coors?
Ned: This is why I believe getting a marriage license should be like getting a gun license; you should have to prove competency. And let me just say, for all our sakes, I hope he’s shooting blanks…
Howard Gantz: Ok, ready for this? Get close to the screen and let your vision blur a little. Now, slowly pull your face away from the screen and that turkey feather bouquet should appear in 3d.
Omawarisan: Ten minutes later they were killed by a dump truck whose operator couldn’t see their limo.
2. Marring The Muffin Man
BrainRants: They appear European, which explains a lot. At least they’re both thin… for now.
The Hedonist: Whoever did the Photoshopping on this was an amateur. That thick line of hair belongs on his upper lip, not above eyes.
Ned: I was a chef for 10 years, so I can tell you there’s no chance he’s getting that dress over her head.
Howard Gantz: Congrats to Chef Boyardeerp and that devious pair of stone washed jeans you got on there, son. Gangsta brow!
Omawarisan: If she’s got to sit between here and the reception I think I’ll pass on the bread and go right to the salad.
3. The Rainbow Connection
BrainRants: What we weren’t told is, “Stephanie” was once Steven, and Patrick once went by “Patricia.” Amazing what modern medical technology can do these days. However, flip flops after Labor Day? Honey, please!
The Hedonist: Mandals!
Ned: FINALLY! The long-awaited spin-off to The Adams Family has started taping!
Howard Gantz: Reception dinner went something like: tossed wild greens, tofu strudel, some kinda organic sashimi roll bullshit, and then the Kool-Aid. Hopefully they donated that bitchin’ gown to the Rainbow Bright historical museum, and hopefully Jason Newsted found out that Howie Mandel birthed his love child.
Omawarisan: If I may:
4. Extras From 80’s Rock Video
BrainRants: He’s wearing space boots because he found his true love somewhere other than Earth. That explains the eight-head… which is twice the usual forehead. Five bucks says David Bowie attended the wedding.
The Hedonist: Damnit Rants! You took my Five-head comment. And 3-upped it.
Ned: I was completely thrown off until I saw the harp.
Howard Gantz: /r/hoverboardelfs.
Omawarisan: Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce the happy couple, Roderick and Propecia de la Albino as they enjoy their first dance as husband and wife.
5. When A Tux Shirt Is Too Much Money To Rent
BrainRants: Just like example #3 above, this has a backstory. In this one, the not-so-unknown secret is, these four are all siblings.
The Hedonist: …and they’re all brothers
Ned: Judging from the way he has his hand in his pocket, the guy with the “Let’s Play Rough” tattoo has already gotten started on his own.
Omawarisan: If you marry all three brothers then it isn’t awkward in the double wide on your wedding night.
6. The Best Man Eats The Head Off The Bride At The End
BrainRants: I argued with Howard the Manager about the title of this. Klingons don’t eat the bride’s head. In fact, the tough part is already complete. The groom has endured the pain-stick ritual, and his mother has vetted the bride through many tests to ensure their family honor by… uh, why do I know this?
The Hedonist: Please tell me they went to Uranus on their honeymoon.
Ned: Without question, her new husband is boldly going where no man has gone before.
Omawarisan: I’ve always wondered if desperation and resignation could exist within one person, and then I looked at the bride’s eyes. Apparently the answer is yes.
MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:
Facebook: Long Awkward Pause
Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag
LAP TV: YouTube
Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP? Click HERE.