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5 Steps for Instant Instagram Success

So you’ve finally decided to share your selfies with a larger audience and joined Instagram, huh?

Instagram is a square, heavily-filtered jungle home to caffeine addicts, social networking narcissists, proud pet owners, amateur chefs, and people who use #kendalljenner on all of their posts. When you’re just getting started, it can be difficult to determine where you — a lowly commoner with a banal existence and minimal photography skills — fit in. You totally want to get likes on the photos you post that capture the true mediocrity of your life, but you have no idea where to begin. Luckily, you just need to follow these five steps to achieve instant Instagram success*.

1. Start going to Starbucks.

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Starbucks is essential to your Instagram success. Every good Instagram account has at least one photo of someone holding a cup from Starbucks. Want to take it to the next level? Share a picture of a cup you received from the barista with your name misspelled. If for some reason you can’t incorporate Starbucks into your Instagram, fancy mugs will do. It doesn’t matter if there’s anything in them, just set them up next to your laptop and take 10+ pictures at various angles. (I recommend the ever-popular tabletop bird’s eye view.)

2. Adopt a pet.

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Let’s face it: your selfies might be good, but they’re probably not good enough to get 11 likes–that’s where your furry friend comes in. Being a pet owner gets you immediate access to all the people with allergies or strict landlords who spend their days scrolling through animal images. You need to capture this audience.

3. Join a gym.

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This isn’t about getting actual exercise or improving your life expectancy; it’s about the pix. Pictures taken at the gym simultaneously prove that 1) you turn off Netflix and leave your house sometimes and 2) you’re truly living your #bestlife. Proving those two facts beyond all reasonable doubt is the cornerstone of a popular, envy-inducing Instagram feed.

4. Go on the Instagram diet.

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Much simpler than a juice cleanse, the Instagram diet only has one stipulation: only eat/drink photogenic foods. If you’re wondering what that entails, think of robust veggies, decadent desserts, and savory meats. Foods to avoid on the Instagram diet: goulash, Pop Tarts, liver, celery root, skim milk, head cheese, etc.

5. Move into a place with good natural light.

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When it comes to Instagram, a house is not a home if it doesn’t have great natural light. Did you know that 30% of Instagram users could get more followers if only they lived in a home with southern exposure? Grainy, dimly-lit photos will only limit your potential. If you really want to make it on Instagram, you might need to consult your realtor.

BONUS!

6. Download the VSCOcam app.

No one really knows what’s so great about the filters, but that doesn’t matter. You need this app to have and to hashtag, ’til death do you part.

 

*This web site (the “Site”) is a general service that provides information of questionable use over the Internet. We are not an Instagram authority and our staff writers are not acting as your Instagram life coach. The information contained in the Site is general Instagram information and should not be construed as universal advice to be applied to any specific Instagram account situation. It has not been proven to be successful in any way, shape, or form.

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About Katie (16 Articles)
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @bykatiehoffman.

17 Comments on 5 Steps for Instant Instagram Success

  1. Love this! Particularly the diet part about photogenic food. Great job!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very helpful, thanks! #kendalljenner

    Like

  3. Instagram. The one place I have actually managed to not post. I think I will keep it that way…at least until my realtor finds me that home with the perfect natural light…or at least until I get a pet.

    Like

  4. Since many of us aspire to #write, I assume an assisted #selfie in a #starbucks, sitting behind your laptop while #writing and being observed by others to #write while your teacup #corgi loses his tiny mind next to you would be part of your #awesome #bestlife. True?

    Either that or an odd, dropped-camera angle partial of my drunk, passed-out carcass among a litter of empty beer cans.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. #4 unless they are pumpkin pop tarts, then snap away, and relish the envy from those who consumed theirs too fast.

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  6. In Canada it’s Tim Horton’s not Starbucks. 😀

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  7. Hilarious! As I have no plans to do any of your recommendations, I will never be a #star on Instagram.
    I guess I’ll miss a lot of #buttselfies but I’m cool with that.

    Like

  8. This is so true! Great Blog!

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  9. Such an accurate description on at least 90% of what now constitutes Instagram.

    Like

  10. I’ve accepted my Instagram mediocrity. But I can honestly say I’ve never put pics of my pets or Starbucks on there. The only food I’ve posted was the cous cous disaster my kids spilled on the floor. And it was poorly lit. Damn. No wonder I suck.

    Like

  11. That’s it! You finally decided me – Instagram is OTHER PEOPLE!

    Like

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