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Guest Post: Today My Toddler Didn’t Break Me

If the great Gavin McInnes, founder of Vice and godfather of the hipster movement, taught us anything, it’s that people take parenting way too seriously. There is a definitive point where we leave the realm of good parenting and enter into the already exceeding capacity pool of idiots. A man should be defined by how he handles morons.

If you missed the furor of how to fight a baby and are now just nodding along so as not to look like an idiot, see below:

The self defense learned in that video could get anyone through the first year of parenting. After the first year though, you enter the stages of walking, running, and, worst of all, the talking. You can desperately scour the Internet for “how to kick a toddler’s ass” advice but will find nothing, all the while getting gang beaten by toddlers before nap time.

Well, here is that self defense class that has been desperately sought out. I’ve emerged from these ass kickings a toughened toddler-beating sonnuva bitch. They say prison changes a man. So do toddlers.

Morning time-

Most toddler troubles happen before breakfast is served. Every morning of toddlerhood comes with being woken up by the chants “Dad! Dad! Dad!” until finally you drag yourself to cribs and lift two foot-tall psychos out of segregation.

Remember the first attack? It was unexpected and unfair. A cheap shot, really.

BOOM! Headbutt straight to the nose, followed by giggles. While you were trying not to cry, laughter and glee reared back for another shot.

That doesn’t happen anymore. Not in this house. There have been enough nosebleeds and broken glasses. Time to put an end to early morning headers.  Now, before picking up a child, carefully immobilize them with their blanket and pick them up, fireman’s carry style. Sure, they might get wiggly in there. Don’t worry. After you throw them on the couch; they will burst free from their blankey strait jacket and you won’t look like Iggy Pop after a concert.

bed

Mealtime-

This battle is more psychological than anything else, although reflexes will be tested. Anybody else blessed with raising the future of Major League Baseball? Most littles have mastered how to fastball a bowl of spaghetti. As edible projectiles rain down on your head and shirt, your good reflexes kick in. If you have a loving partner you can practice your dodges later at night, after you’ve managed to lull the baby beasts back to their den. Have your partner hurl dinner at you until you’ve stopped sobbing and managed to avoid getting hit directly in the face with sauce at least three times.

Seriously, though –  DON’T cry during mealtime. Never show your toddler that them pelting you with food has made you their bitch or you’ve lost all the battles for the day, even if you masterfully avoided the morning headbutt. It’s tough. but keep strong! Meal time only occurs a few times a day. Get used to becoming a child’s Jackson Pollack painting.

snack

Nap time-

This is one of the feistier instances you will encounter. Toddlers needing naps are worse than real criminals. Speaking from personal experience, I would much rather be mugged than have to put a toddler down to nap. There are two ways to handle such a situation; pawn nap time off on your partner, or just attack! head on.

If you have a partner who knows how to flaunt it, you usually get stuck with nap duty. Some partners know just how to promise or withhold sex in such a way that has you begrudgingly tackling nap time. There is no nobler cause for taking on toddlers than some afternoon delight. None. Period.

So you have to do nap time. Got a cup? Might want to invest in one –  tiny little elbows are zeroing in on your junk as we speak. One hit and afternoon delight turns into a session of icing your groin as if fresh off a vasectomy. Hey, maybe you’re a woman! Metal bra? Might want to invest in one. Tiny little fingers are coming to clamp on nipples, and not in a pleasurable “Oh yeah, more baby, more!” kind of way.

The best way to approach nap time is sneak attack. Lure the tired toddler into their room with something they want. Use a sippy cup full of milk. Make sure to dangle the sippy cup right in front of them, just out of reach, until they are right next to their cribs. It is good to note that maintaining enough space to avoid the elbows and grabby hands that might find their way onto your person is equally as important as how you dangle the sippy.

Once by the crib it gets a lot simpler. The toddler is completely occupied. Drop the sippy into their grubby hands and quickly move behind said child. Lift them into the crib and throw a blanket on them before sprinting out of the room and into the loving and proud arms of your significant other. Consider a little horizontal dancing well earned.

nap

Tantrums-

Haven’t quite mastered how to deal with a toddler tantrum? A lot of it involves standing in the doorway of a room and hurling toys, sippy and food at the monster. At least until the siren screech stops and they stop trying to destroy every goddamn thing within flailing distance. There is not something more foolproof, but this method seems to work around thirty percent of the time. Thirty percent is better than zero percent and until something more foolproof is discovered, this the best course of action.

Bedtime is actually surprisingly similar to nap time. The only difference is the kiss. After spending a day of kicking the shit out of a kid with some A+ parenting, it’s nice to show dominance. Don’t get cocky with it! Don’t go in for a big ol’ “who’s in control” smooch and hug, just a quick peck. Then, stand at the doorway and say all the things that have been pent up.

fight

Here is a personal favorite:

“Daddy loves you! Sleep tight, and good luck trying to break me tomorrow!”

Just watch out for flying sippy cups.

dance

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About punkrockpapa (1 Article)
Punk Rock Papa

65 Comments on Guest Post: Today My Toddler Didn’t Break Me

  1. In the military, we’re taught to run away screaming when facing a toddler army.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Girl babies are easy to take care of, it’s the boy babies you have to worry about, particularly when diaper changing. Numerous times our little guy peed on mom/dad simply because we forgot to point the missle downwards. Nothing worse than pee in the eyeball.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You have me cracking up Briton all hail the king…Punk Rock Papa

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You are hilarious!! Great post, and may the force be with you in the teen years.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are hilarious! May the force be with you during the teen years. Their aim becomes more accurate. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That was great! That is toddlerhood. The finest of fine toddlerhood. Been there 4 times and am currently eyeball deep into the last toddlerhood I’ll ever deal with again. It’s bittersweet but at the same time I’m rejoicing! When she pushes my buttons I wish she’d hurry up and be 5 so she can go to school. Then she does something adorable and I realize how much I’m going to miss this. All of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. buttercuppieces2013 // January 14, 2015 at 10:21 am //

    Either brush up on Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee, or do what I do to keep my skills together in case I’m watching toddlers, become a WWE fan. Nothing like a clothesline to shock the system or open slap to the chest to get the carrot from out their nose. Just Saying. Great Post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have been working out. Its coming to the point where one toddler will be grabbed by their ankles and swung into another toddler

      Liked by 1 person

      • buttercuppieces2013 // January 14, 2015 at 10:34 am //

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    • You’d be surprised what a choke slam every now and again can do 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  8. buttercuppieces2013 // January 14, 2015 at 10:36 am //

    LOL. No supposed to be a picture, but I swear……urgh

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Briton, that is so on point!! OMG!! Mine are grown, but I remember all of it!! Now I have two granddaughters and oh my, it’s REALLY hard!! I don’t have to be a meanie mommy; I can just spoil the crap out of them!! I know it’s crazy right now, but try to enjoy it. You’ll miss some of it when they’re grown!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. “They say prison changes a man. So do toddlers.”
    hahahahaha YES so true. great post, Briton! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  11. One day you will post a pic of you hiding behind the couch, and them wearing war paint. That will be the day they overthrow your authority. I can’t wait.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This makes me miss my daughters toddler years lol. I think I might have had it easy because God knew he was lucky to make me a parent in the first place 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Immobilize them ad toddlers – check.

    Now what do I do with 2nd graders?

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Briton! I am laughing so hard at work! I was drawn back to my daughter’s toddler years reading this, and while after 28 years I can say that I miss those times, I would be a red mega lying b if I really meant it.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Oh Papa I’m giggling like a school girl and nodding like a bobble headed Mom! I totally agree on all your valid points. I’m still going through these at age of 3.5 but at least there’s understanding that “you really hurt Mommy!” instead of maniacal laughter as blood’s pouring down my face, after a strategic head butt. You rock Papa and some do those little toddler tyrants. They give you great writing material as my magnificent minions do as well. 😉

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  16. I’m gunna knock you out…Papa said knock you out.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. That was funny!! Great job x

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Donna Miglino // January 14, 2015 at 4:33 pm //

    Managing it all with a sense of humor is the best way to survive with most of your marbles intact. ( Yes, even THOSE marbles!) Looks like you are on the right path:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • As long as we are talking marbles that roll around in my head we are good.

      If my kids had actual marbles next thing you know one kid would be building some sort of trebuchet to launch them at me in the morning

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  19. TwistedLady // January 14, 2015 at 4:42 pm //

    LOL!!! So many memories for me in this post!! I’ve survived toddlerdom all the way to teens. You had me giggling like crazy at the memories!! Thanks Briton!!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. TracyontheRocks // January 14, 2015 at 6:08 pm //

    Thanks for the laugh! Luckily, my niece is on her best behavior when Auntie is in town because she knows there a suitcase full of presents for her, but I’ll break out the armor when the gifts have been distributed and I have zero leverage….like a parent. Too funny!!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. PS I am still laughing at “blankety straightjacket” hahaah

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Many years ago when my sister had her baby, we were all sitting around having a nice dinner and the youngin was tucked quietly in his playpen. All of a sudden a sippie cup came hurtling out of nowhere at galactic speed and corked me square in the forehead. The sound startled everyone and they were quick to spot my dazed expression. As soon as my jaw could position itself back together, I started to laugh as did everyone else. Caution to newbs with toddlers!

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  1. Best Of Blogs #4 - Original Bunker Punks

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