Doesn't matter how rich or how poor you are... The bed is the one piece of furniture that makes your house a home... It's the one thing you look forward too at the end of a long day... It's the one thing you don't want to get out of on a cold day... It makes breakfast taste exotic... It makes being sick bearable... It makes sex easier... It can be decorated and changed to suit moods and tastes... There is nothing like your bed... Other people's beds can be strangely appealing and exciting... Or... Scary and uncomfortable... Beds... Even animals need them... Except Jellyfish... Jellyfish don't need beds... They don't sleep... Anyway... Happy Saturday!
1. Spooning For One?
Omawarisan: Is that a mermaid? The reason I am not a sailor is because I never want to be so desperate that I’d want to spawn with a half woman, half sea bass.
BrainRants: Total fail, unless you want this in your mom’s basement, just off the super-mega-six-monitor gaming node, surrounded by wadded up tissues and empty Cheetos bags.
Ned: Forget the headboard and footboard. Just lay it on the floor, outline it in chalk and seal the room with crime scene tape.
Ned (again): On second thought, this could be the first side-sleeping mummy.
List of X: Good luck buying the sheets for that bed.
2. This Bed Makes A Splash
Omawarisan: Nothing is more restful than sleeping in chlorine infused sheets. Except maybe sleeping in them with a mermaid.
BrainRants: I stubbed my brain (what little I have) trying to figure out the wet/dry logistics of this mess. And, one wrong step in the dark to go pee… then again, the uhm, bathroom’s right there. Win.
Ned: 100 percent of participants in this sleep study found they were cured of sleepwalking after just one night.
List of X: This is how I imagine what pool lifeguard heaven looks like.
3. Nothing But Net
Omawarisan: This looks comfortable, but if you were sleeping with a mermaid the increased air circulation would probably dry her out and make her scaly. More scaly.
BrainRants: Perfect for the narcoleptic in your life. Rack burns, however, are a real bitch. Sex in this bed for either the top or bottom would hurt, which doesn’t work for everyone, man.
Ned: Gee, I don’t know why I keep having a recurring nightmare about being trapped in a giant spiderweb!
List of X: The bed you just want to jump into. After jumping into this bed for 20-30 minutes, you’ll get so exhausted that you would fall asleep immediately.
4. This Should Have Bacon Pillows
Omawarisan: My girlfriend from the ’80’s had a waterbed. She wasn’t a mermaid. But if she were, she might have wanted a waterbed.
BrainRants: What you do for your kid to groom them for the 2025 season of “My 600 Pound Life.”
Ned: Hey, how did this mayonaise get in here? Oh, wait…
List of X: I can’t sleep here. I’m allergic to gluten.
5. Setting Yourself Up For Nightmares…Every Night
Omawarisan: If this were a waterbed owned by my girlfriend from the ’80’s and she was a mermaid, she’d probably have night terrors. I mean beyond those she had whenever she realized I was still there.
BrainRants: F**king awesome. My wife and I want this now, but in a queen.
Ned: If the doorway is at the other end of this dinosaur, I think I know what it’s shaped like.
List of X: This is the bed I would recommend to anyone who has difficulties waking up in the morning.
6. Horses Sleep Standing Up…Right?
Omawarisan: Chris, why is this one here? It has nothing to do with mermaids. (If none of the rest of you have anything to say about that valve I’m going to be very disappointed.)
BrainRants: After well over 22 years of Army service, I’ve slept on my feet more times than I care to recall and not because I wanted to. I’ve even walked in my sleep during a road march… carrying an M-60 machine gun… this is just medieval torture shit. Imagine how your ankles… no – your cankles that you will develop overnight – will feel in the morning. Fail. Five airdrops of nope. Let’s buy one for Howard.
Ned: I might be willing to sleep like that if those were shaped like breasts.
List of X: Sorry, Ned, I think this is the doorway you were talking about earlier. P.S. Valve. I just hate to see Oma disappointed.
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