You are simply not allowed anymore to recover from wishing someone a Merry Christmas with quick apology.
You are usually made to feel incredibly insensitive about spreading your goodwill and holiday spirit to your fellow human.
How the conversation should go:
“I’m Jewish. I don’t celebrate, but thank you for your nice sentiments.”
“Oh, sorry. Happy Hanukkah!”
“Thank you! And Merry Christmas to you!”
How the conversation usually goes instead:
“Excuse me, but we do not celebrate Christmas! And how dare you assume that we do! You know there are other holidays going on right now! You are an ignorant fool to assume everyone celebrates Christmas! Shame on you! If you want to know, we actually celebrate the made up holiday of Old Festival New Holiday Day. I bet you don’t even know what that is! It’s where we celebrate being indignant to all those insensitive people that assume we celebrate Christmas. Just because we take advantage of some Black Friday deals doesn’t mean we believe in your overweight red suited man sliding down your dirty chimney with a Playstation in hand, for your undeserving goth child, whom spends most of his day in his room watching Japanese manga porn, and living off cheese puffs and Twix. We will be celebrating December 25th by squeezing the anus pulps on our pit bull and watching a Breaking Bad marathon. Good day!”
“Oh, sorry. Happy Old Festival New Holiday Day!”
“You pronounced it wrong!”
If you do find someone who celebrates the same holiday as you do, and it is OK with proclaiming such good tidings upon each other, it has become a new tradition to then complain about how commercial said holiday has become, and how it’s not like the “olden days”, and also how early the stores set out knick knacks and decorations for current holiday purchase.
“I can’t believe the department store Bullet is putting out their Old Festival New Holiday Day decorations already! I remember when this holiday was about celebrating being upset over people celebrating holidays! Now…you can’t turn a street corner without seeing a picture of Terry the Holiday Day Humpback and his 6 Legalize Marijuana Feminist Protesters everywhere! I’m going back to celebrating Christmas!“
People forget that the ultimate goal of holidays, no matter what religion or pagan origins it derives from, is to just simply spread some sort of happiness and fellowship to someone else. It doesn’t matter if it’s through a box of candy, a brightly colored egg, or a nice new Samsung 55 inch Smart TV with duo HDMI ports and voice command capabilities under a big red Christmas bow.
Don’t be afraid to wish someone good tidings in any form.
Don’t be afraid to be happy.
Don’t be afraid to have fun.
Don’t be afraid to sing traditional Holiday music.
Do be afraid to give someone a fruit cake. Those things are just nasty. Even ice cream can’t save them.
If you’re a Christian or just someone who likes to give/receive presents: Merry Christmas
If you’re Jewish: Happy Hanukkah
If you’re African-American: Happy Kwanzaa
If you’re Wiccan: Happy Winter Solistis
If you’re a Robot: Happy Robot Uprising Day
If you’re Muslim: Enjoy the feast on Eid Al-Fitr
If you’re Buddhist: Be prepared to be awakened on Bodhi Day
And if you’re Zoroastrian: Sorry about the death of your prophet.
Happy Holidays from everyone at Long Awkward Pause:
Ned, Katie, Rants, Oma, Chris, Jack, Joe, Jacyln, Geisha, John, Mike, Adam, and Patricia.
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