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The New Modern Holiday Carol

There is a plague in this country that is far worse than Malaria, Black Death, or even Ebola. And that plague is called Political Correctness. What this blight does is stop people from recognizing that it's OK to be different. Imagine a world full of the one type of people and culture. How boring. Even the Holidays are not immune to this deadly virus. Nowadays, not only will you offend people if you do not wish them a Merry Christmas, but you will offend people if you wish them a Merry Christmas. Oh my gosh...what if they celebrate Hanukkah? Or Kwanzaa? What if they are Buddhist? And you just wished them a Merry Christmas... How could you?!


You are simply not allowed anymore to recover from wishing someone a Merry Christmas with quick apology.


You are usually made to feel incredibly insensitive about spreading your goodwill and holiday spirit to your fellow human.



How the conversation should go:

“Merry Christmas!”

“I’m Jewish. I don’t celebrate, but thank you for your nice sentiments.”

“Oh, sorry. Happy Hanukkah!”

“Thank you! And Merry Christmas to you!”

How the conversation usually goes instead:

“Merry Christmas!”

“Excuse me, but we do not celebrate Christmas! And how dare you assume that we do! You know there are other holidays going on right now! You are an ignorant fool to assume everyone celebrates Christmas! Shame on you! If you want to know, we actually celebrate the made up holiday of Old Festival New Holiday Day. I bet you don’t even know what that is! It’s where we celebrate being indignant to all those insensitive people that assume we celebrate Christmas.  Just because we take advantage of some Black Friday deals doesn’t mean we believe in your overweight red suited man sliding down your dirty chimney with a Playstation in hand, for your undeserving goth child, whom spends most of his day in his room watching Japanese manga porn, and living off cheese puffs and Twix. We will be celebrating December 25th by squeezing the anus pulps on our pit bull and watching a Breaking Bad marathon. Good day!”

“Oh, sorry. Happy Old Festival New Holiday Day!”

“You pronounced it wrong!” 

If you do find someone who celebrates the same holiday as you do, and it is OK with proclaiming such good tidings upon each other, it has become a new tradition to then complain about how commercial said holiday has become, and how it’s not like the “olden days”, and also how early the stores set out knick knacks and decorations for current holiday purchase.

I can’t believe the department store Bullet is putting out their Old Festival New Holiday Day decorations already! I remember when this holiday was about celebrating being upset over people celebrating holidays! Now…you can’t turn a street corner without seeing a picture of Terry the Holiday Day Humpback and his 6 Legalize Marijuana Feminist Protesters everywhere!  I’m going back to celebrating Christmas!


People forget that the ultimate goal of holidays, no matter what religion or pagan origins it derives from, is to just simply spread some sort of happiness and fellowship to someone else. It doesn’t matter if it’s through a box of candy, a brightly colored egg, or a nice new Samsung 55 inch Smart TV with duo HDMI ports and voice command capabilities under a big red Christmas bow.

Hint, hint….

Don’t be afraid to wish someone good tidings in any form.

Don’t be afraid to be happy.

Don’t be afraid to have fun.

Don’t be afraid to sing traditional Holiday music.

Do be afraid to give someone a fruit cake. Those things are just nasty. Even ice cream can’t save them.


If you’re a Christian or just someone who likes to give/receive presents: Merry Christmas

If you’re Jewish: Happy Hanukkah

If you’re African-American: Happy Kwanzaa

If you’re Wiccan: Happy Winter Solistis

If you’re a Robot: Happy Robot Uprising Day

If you’re Muslim: Enjoy the feast on Eid Al-Fitr

If you’re Buddhist: Be prepared to be awakened on Bodhi Day

And if you’re Zoroastrian: Sorry about the death of your prophet.


Happy Holidays from everyone at Long Awkward Pause:

Ned, Katie, Rants, Oma, Chris, Jack, Joe, Jacyln, Geisha, John, Mike, Adam, and Patricia.






Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

LAP TV: YouTube

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About Christopher De Voss (132 Articles)
One Of The Hosts Of Podcast 42. Voice over actor, writer on various websites, published author, should not eat cheese but still does. Follow me on twitter: @chrisdevoss Follow the show on twitter at @podcast42show

38 Comments on The New Modern Holiday Carol

  1. Happy December 25 to all of you. Happy Thursday!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for the yucks all year long, gang!
    Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, etc…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Merry christmas,Hanukah,Kwanzaa,{fill in festifity of choice}

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I, too, am sick of political coersion. Merry Christmas. Anyone who doesn’t like me saying that can shove it up their A$$. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Happy [insert curse word][insert appropriate descriptor term] Day!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Reblogged this on I Am Nishi.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Perfect Post — Happy Perfect Post day.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Well…Happy Winter Solistis! Just kidding. I’m not really a witch. Happy Old Festival New Holiday Day! That about covers it. It’s my new old favorite holiday.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You spelled Solstice wrong….

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Mine is the old druid spelling


  11. Did you forget Happy Festivus? I’ve decided to celebrate Christmas after all now that I know it is really an usurped pagan holiday!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Have a great “Holiday-made-up-by-Hallmark-to-sell-cards-and-assorted-knick-knacks”

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Happy BlogFestivus!

    Today is also National Pepper Pot Day and Tick Tock Day. In celebration we should all try to time how long we can hold a hot pepper in our mouths.

    Or save the pepper for our martinis.

    Happy [fill in the blank] and Happy New Year to everyone at LAP.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. As Jew I see people start to stammer a bit when wishing me Merry Happy holiday… er.. It is not one of the major problems of the world. I can’t see why everyone can’t enjoy everyone’s holiday. Er.. Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m a tad late with the Merry Christmas, so I hope you had a wonderful one. Happy New Year (I’m on top of this one, :-))

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Everyone should say whatever they want and appreciate what everyone else says. I wouldn’t be offended if someone wished me a happy Kwanzaa.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. That’s why everyone has gone to the all-purpose, offend-nobody, please-nobody greeting of “happy holidays”.
    Happy, happy to you!


  18. Well done. Sorry I’m late but “catching up” seems to be a skill I haven’t mastered yet. It’s funny I have Jewish friends and family and they always make a point of wishing me a Merry Christmas and bringing me some delightful gift. I reciprocate (just not eight days in a row). My philosophy is just, “Believe”. I don’t care what you believe in, just believe in something that works for you. If you believe in nothing you have nothing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

    Liked by 1 person

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