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And here’s that time I was stalked by Santa

Apparently, he also sees you when you're shopping.

Apparently, he also sees you when you’re shopping.

If you follow me Facebook or Twitter (probably against your better judgement) then you may have seen this photo taken a few days ago by a security camera at Fred Meyer. Many of you have asked what the story is behind this bizarre image, which some have compared to the famous 1967 footage of Bigfoot walking through the woods (presumably just looking for a quiet place to take a poo…)

image In this case, however, Long Awkward Pause assigned me to get a photo of Santa for the site because, as Chris De Voss put it, “Santa can fill a lot of blank space we’d otherwise have fill with one of your posts.” Ignoring what was an obvious slam about… Yeah, Santa’s weight problem… I accepted the assignment and headed over to our local Freddy’s. When I arrived and began looking for a parking space, it was clear word of Santa’s arrival had already sent some people into a frenzy, causing some to simply abandon their vehicles in order to see him first.

"Hey, I live in the city! Where else can I use my four-wheel drive?"

“Hey, I live in the city! Where else can I use my four-wheel drive?”

Once inside, I knew all I’d have to do is follow the line of kids waiting to get their photo with Santa. It was a solid plan. A perfect plan. At least until I discovered Mr. Claus was on a 45-minute break. Considering I only had 30 minutes to get the photo, I decided to roam the store in hopes of spotting the elusive elf. Along the way I ran into this guy, who I thought might work as a “Santa” photo if I ran out of time…

Well, he has a pot belly and a red tie...

Well, he has a pot belly and a red tie…

I sprinted to the toy section — but no luck. Not with finding Santa, anyway. Although I did find a few things I wouldn’t mind having for myself, including this festive “Holiday Pooper”…

Because nothing says "Christmas" like a constipated-looking snowman who poops candy...

Because nothing says “Christmas” like a constipated-looking snowman who poops candy…

After passing through the furniture and home decor sections, I stumbled into the employee fitness room where — for a moment anyway — I thought I’d found my objective…

SANTA! Oh, sorry... I thought you were someone else.

SANTA! Oh, sorry… I thought you were someone else.

As I made my way through the produce section, I had the feeling I was being followed. Generally that only happens in the electronics or women’s lingerie section. So after taking a few measured steps I quickly stopped and, in a dazzling display similar to a Great Dane unexpectedly tossed onto a trampoline, spun around to see who was there and found…


Although someone from the produce section did rush over and offer to escort me to the pharmacy for “some medication.”

Even though I hadn’t seen anyone behind me, my journalistic instincts were telling me otherwise. And not just because of the complimentary prescription of Codeine I had been given. After speaking with the store manager and promising to leave without a scene if he granted my request, I was given access to 30 seconds of security tape during my trip through the produce section. That’s when I saw THIS!

BAM! There he was!

BAM! There he was!

I could almost feel his beard on my neck!

I could almost feel his beard on my neck!

By the time Santa returned from his break, I was already on my way back to the offices at LAP with my small collection of photos, only two of which included the real Santa. I also explained there was a selfie I’d taken while waiting for the security tape.

“You may want to take a look at this,” said Chris.

Oh — he's goooood!

Oh — he’s goooood!

About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

26 Comments on And here’s that time I was stalked by Santa

  1. Loved the post!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha, wonderful post! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Little known fact: Santa is an alcoholic and is being investigated for shady business ties with China.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You sly devil, enticing us with your Facebook page and then launching into your Pied Piper routine. All respect.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Do do do do do do do do…(Imagine if you will)! LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I love the guy with the red ball belly!!! I think I’d have to do that move in the comfort and privacy of my own home! Great post!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Santa closed on you awfully quick. Time to hit the treadmill?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The American Santa Stalker. hmmm.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. He sees you when you’re shopping…


  10. Gives new meaning to Sanity Claus.

    Liked by 1 person

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