Over the last 10 years or so a couple of new Christmas traditions have come to surface. One being that damn Elf on the Shelf... The second being bad Christmas Sweaters. Don't get us wrong...bad Christmas Sweaters have been around since Mary knitted Joseph the first one right before Christmas number two was celebrated...but it's just recently they have been embraced. Grandma spends a lot of time and love knitting you that special sweater to wear when Santa comes barreling down your chimney, or if you don't have a chimney, through the back screen porch door...or if you live in an apartment, up the three flights of stairs, the same three flights you had to lug that horrible color of a couch up...and you still remember where you tore the skin off your hand at the bend on the second flight... You will never move because you have to eventually take that couch back down those three flights of stairs. Sometimes you contemplate just pushing it out the balcony door if it came down to it. It would work if you put your mattress on the ground to help cushion the fall. In any event, Grandma made you a really ugly sweater and you need to show your respect by wearing it to the annual family Christmas party. Hopefully they are not doing that White Elephant gift exchange this year, because you always end up with a key-chain pen light in the shape of a Star Wars lightsaber. In case you were wondering there are also bad Hanukkah sweaters too. Anyway... Happy Saturday!
1. I Can Tell You Are Cold By Your Carrots
Omawarisan: A hug? Um, no. Thanks.
BrainRants: Holy fugly sweaters, Batman. This channels 80’s Madonna, too.
Ned: Unfasten the carrots and breastfeeding is a snap!
Calahan: And it keeps a drunken and amorous Peter Dinklage at bay.
2. The Birthday Boy Does Not Look Happy…
Omawarisan: I think this is what Jesus looks like when he is saying “WTF?!”. It’s just a theory, but I figure that I’ll confirm or disprove it eventually.
BrainRants: This will match my Easter sweater that says, “Happy Zombie Jesus Day!”
The Hedonist: Isn’t it a little weird that Jesus is wearing a Jesus piece? Like he’s reminding himself of the most miserable three days of his life.
Ned: No wonder he looks pissed. I think the Bird of Peace pooped on his hat.
Calahan: I think the designer was very bold to portray Jesus as caucasian. But where are the blue eyes, I ask you? Where are the blue eyes for this native Israeli?
3. He Sees You When You’re….
Omawarisan: Y’know, I’ve heard people say that he’s old, that he’s been in this Christmas racket for too long and that he just doesn’t give a shit. Well there you have it. He does.
BrainRants: I’ve never assumed that Santa’s ‘magic’ extends to life sans bowel movements. If anyone deserves to sit around on a toilet on the 26th and back out a groaner, it’s the fat pimp in red velour himself.
The Hedonist: ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for Santa’s colon.
The Hedonist (part 2): Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen! Hurry up with the damn TOILET PAPER!]
Ned: If Santa’s butt is as hairy as his face, he might as well step right into the shower after this.
Calahan: Ah ha! I knew Santa waxed his legs! Ned owes me $20!
4. Celebrating Christmas Like A Wrecking Ball
Omawarisan: We all made fun of Billy Ray Cyrus. But how genius is it to raise a child for the sole purpose of proving that you’re not the crappiest artist to ever have a record contract, you’re not even the crappiest in your own family. (and this is an ugly sweater)
BrainRants: Would have been much better with a Christmas ornament a la ‘Wrecking Ball’ theme. Because there’s nothing Christmas-y about Miley’s prostate check tongue.
The Hedonist: She needs to give ol’ carrot boobs a hug!
Ned: I might consider wearing the matching sweatpants.
Calahan: It looks like someone else has joined the Miley High Club.
5. Let’s Talk Proper Carrot Placement
Omawarisan: This appears to be a joke about one snowman stealing the others nose. But really the sweater explains why snowmen should never go commando.
BrainRants: There is a massive ‘dicknose’ joke in this… hold on while I get drunk enough to figure that out.
The Hedonist: So if he retrieves the carrot and puts it back in, he’d basically be teabagging himself.
Ned: Defintely the kind of snowman you don’t want to turn your back on.
Calahan: Wait, so the second snowman stole the sweater that the lady in the first picture was wearing as converted it into a sort of jumpsuit? Ha ha ha ha! That’s classic.
6. I Suggest Getting He-Man A Shirt For Christmas
Omawarisan: (Editor’s note: We think Oma left this blank because he ran out to see if he could find one to buy.)
BrainRants: Now we’re marketing He-Man as the young Santa, before he turned to booze, hookers and blow. Magic dust, he called it. I hear the elves will all come out to accuse him of a smorgasbord of pedophilic crimes once we’re all done with Cosby.
The Hedonist: No joke – there is an actual He-Man Christmas Movie and I have a copy. I’m sure if I got the sweatshirt, my wife will find it equally as sexy as my having the DVD.
Ned: Hedonist, I’ll trade you my “Howard the Duck” movie for your “He-Man Christmas” DVD. I’ll even include the inflatable duck bill. Yeah, it’s totally “shekshee.”
Calahan: Wait, there’s a He-Man Christmas movie??? Why did I think He-man was Jewish?
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