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LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: DECEMBER HOROSCOPES 2014

December 2014 Horoscopes – Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Pokemon collector, and Crypto-zoologist

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The fire trine that Uranus (located in the naughty list) will form with Jupiter (located in the nice list) and with the fast planets that will cross Sagittarius (Venus, Mercury) will bring a wave of enthusiastic dynamism, of interest in changes, coal, progress, a Charlie in the box, and development, which will particularly manifest in the first two decans of December. It will be a constructive configuration, which will create an opening for each of us in one area of life or another. We just need to be alert and seize the opportunities as we go. So carpe diem bitch, it’s time to rock your final horoscopes of 2014!

 

 

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Aries

Aries couple life will interweave with their career or their public life and it is possible for somebody with special merits or in an important position to come to your attention. Emotions will be strong and distressing and the climate will be tense. This will be due to the fact that you promised a certain someone that you had already purchased a Turbo-Man action figure when in fact, they have sold out everywhere and now you will be locked in a bitter, days long toy hunt with 90’s stand-up comedian Sinbad. Also, for the love of all that you hold dear, avoid eating anything with peppermint in it for the next five weeks or else your gall bladder will inflate to the size of an official regulation size NBA basketball. In other cosmic events, an official regulation size NBA basketball makes a perfect holiday gift! Check out the Long Awkward Pause Amazon.com wish list for shipping information. It is written in the stars for you to do this Aries.

 

 

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Taurus

Let’s start with the good news: in December Saturn will finally leave Taurus’ house of couples, (after more than two years which haven’t been very rich in satisfactions. Saturn just can’t seem to find that right spot, can he? And after all that money he’s wasted on those little blue pills too). Anyway, if your couple life has been marked by difficult moments, it is now time to check the balance, draw the conclusions and identify the lessons you need to learn. Because if there’s one thing everyone loves in a relationship, it’s homework. Now for the bad news: Your penny pinching ways have finally caught up with you Taurus, and it seems as if the stars have decided that this night you will be visited by three spirits. The first spirit will arrive when the clock chimes one; the second when the clock chimes two, and the third when the clock chimes three. Listen to what they say Taurus. Trust me on this one.

 

 

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Gemini

The stars want Geminis to be happy in December because in the first decan of the month, Gemini’s house of couple will be crossed by Venus, the planet of love, which is also the ruler of Gemini’s house of eroticism. Bow-chicka-bow-bow! Also in Gemini’s house of couple will be Mercury (Gemini’s ruler) and the Sun, the bearer of life and glow. Gemini, your chestnuts are going to get roasted on an open fire this month if you know what I mean. Stock up on protection and lube. And good news is still coming: Venus, Mercury and the Sun will be in a harmonious aspect with Jupiter (the ruler of your house of couples) and with Uranus, the electrifying novelty bearer. Uranus has always been the life of the party, Gemini. So shake that badonkadonk and have eight more cups of eggnog, because it is time to cut loose. However, be careful this month Gemini, the stars say that no less than five people will try to gift you with a poisoned fruitcake. Also you should make sure to rotate the ornaments on your tree every twelve hours. It is imperative that they not remain on the same branch for too long. Be sure that anything round only faces the southeast.

 

 

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Cancer

December will be an excellent month for Cancerians with regards to their career. You’ll continuously be in action, just like any hard-working person full of responsibilities. The orders will be coming in fast and furious from all over the world and the little people you have toiling under you will be working their pointy ears off. You will be efficient and anything you’ll lay your hands on will be solved easily, fast and faultless. This will be thanks to your constant checking and re-checking of lists and objectives. In December Cancerians can stand out by their talents and skills, especially by their creativity and their communication and managerial skills. You will be rewarded with the blind devotion of children across the globe. This month will also find you sharing a special bond with animals, especially large arctic ones with hoofs. You’ll be so in sync with them it’ll feel as if you can touch the sky together. However, you are risk of putting on extra pounds this holiday season. Try to resist all those plates of cookies you’re going to see. This is especially dangerous as you will definitely find yourself squeezing into tight places towards the end of the month.

 

 

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Leo

In the middle of the winter, December will be a hot month for Leos! Firstly: Jupiter, the ruler of Leo’s house of love and sexuality, has been in Leo since last summer, intensifying your born passionate tendencies. It’s what Jupiter does best, he mixes it up and stuff gets real. Secondly: Leo’s house of love and sexuality will be crossed in turns by Venus, the planet or love, by Mercury, the master of pursuit and flirt, and by the Sun, the strongest source of energy, light and warmth. Leo, this month it’s going to be hot, it’s going to moist, and it’s going to be sticky. That shag carpet and mirrored ceilings you bought in 1985 are finally going to pay off and for once no one will make fun of the fact that you still have a waterbed. The holidays are going to be festive and merry for you Leo. You will find yourself invited to no less than thirty-eight holiday parties including one in Times Square. Sadly, this party in Times Square will not be on New Year’s Eve, but you should go anyway because the stars say it will be off the hook. You’ll see the Ghostbusters, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a rural post office, and mannequins in disguise (which is like that thing when the Ninja Turtles wore trench coats, so they could go out into public).

 

 

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Virgo

The stars say that in December, Virgos will not be keen on recognition. Rather than be in the center of attention, you’ll prefer to mind your own daily business. This will be a welcome change from your daily routine of putting a drinking glass up against a door to eavesdrop on Brenda from accounting. Man, she’s trashy isn’t she? Anyway, Virgo’s current interests will mostly revolve around home, properties and money. Basically you’ll be stuck playing Monopoly a lot this month. You’ll probably get enthusiastically involved in domestic activities, from doing the cleaning to redecorating or fixing small things around the house, maybe purchasing something for your home, etc. You’re going to be nesting this month Virgo and the Martha Stewart channel will be on twenty-four-seven. Also prepare to spend way too much time on Pintrest. Sadly, it’s not all candy canes and gum drops because in December Mars will enter Virgo’s house of diseases, and Mars, as a characteristic, brings troubles, being responsible especially for acute and inflammatory diseases, muscle problems, fever, bleedings, painful fits, surgery and accidents. Yes Virgo, there is a Santa Claus and by that I mean you’re getting Ebola from a drunk mall Santa for Christmas.

 

 

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Libra

Librans will travel a lot in December, meeting a lot of people and will communicate intensely with them. Go download the Finnish and Greek Rosetta Stones Libra, because you’re going to need them. Also this month your mind will be buzzing, giving birth to ideas that you would like to put into practice immediately. You’ll have initiative, you’ll get involved in all sorts of procedures, you’ll have a lot of plans, and they will all be drawn up on the huge map table located in your secure fortress in that island volcano you bought last year. It may be finally time to crack out that death ray you’ve been saving all year. Also, the stars tell me that this holiday season will be a rushed one as you will have to spend your time hunting for the perfect gift for your partner while also trying to execute that pesky MI6 agent who keeps foiling your schemes. It will also be difficult to find that gift because the price of shark chow has gone up and you have all those sharks in that huge tank to the left of the laser beam melding gurney. If you are at a loss of ideas for your army of henchmen, the stars suggest you get them blue coveralls and green hard hats this year to replace the red coverall, yellow hard hat combo you’ve had them in for so long.

 

 

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Scorpio

Saturn’s departure from Scorpio in December will take a burden off your shoulders, which will also be felt in your career whose expansion will no longer encounter obstacles. You’ll be assistant to the assistant manager in no time! A phase of material responsibilities will begin though, meant to teach Scorpios what wise management of money and financial strategy mean. So stop dumping all your money into oil futures, alchemy, and porn and instead start focusing on pork bellies, alpacas, and insurance fraud. December will prove to be very generous with Scorpios: you’ll have increased income, premiums, prizes or other advantages. Your superiors will be more generous so, if you’ve been thinking about a raise, now is the time to ask for it – in a diplomatic way, of course. Don’t threaten to beat your boss to death with a stapler like you did last time Scorpio! As for the rest, you’ll be on the rise and the great trine that Jupiter, located in Scorpio’s house of career, will form with Uranus and with the Sun announces success and accomplishments. Also remember this month to shower twice a day and three times on Thursdays. It is written in the stars for you to do this Scorpio.

 

 

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Sagittarius

The passing of the Sun through Sagittarius promises recognition, success and a sunburn. If we also consider the trines that the Sun and Mercury (the ruler of Sagittarius’ house of couples) will form with Jupiter and Uranus, it becomes clear that December will be favorable to you and can mark the beginning of an upward course of development. By upward we mean that the elevator in your office building will be out of order and you’ll have to take the stairs for the next five weeks. Chance might take you by surprise, keep an open eye, because there will be opportunities to wait for: don’t miss them! Forget online dating, now is the time to get the phone number of every dude ringing a bell next to a red kettle. They are cold resilient and have great arm strength! There will be glory and bright prospects in store for you this month, but as regards money you’d better stay cautious. Stop spending your cash on charity and start spending it on things that truly make you feel warm inside, namely hookers and booze.

 

 

 

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Capricorn

Capricorn’s health shouldn’t be neglected. The resistance of the body will not be great, especially in the third week of December. You’d better have more rest, avoid stress and exhaustion. No matter how busy your schedule is, make sure you take short breaks to relax! Visit as many Asian masseuses as you can. Multiple times a day if possible! You must try to keep the Yule in your log this month Capricorn. If something seems to go wrong (and it surely will), you should see a doctor immediately and follow their recommendations. Penicillin will be your friend so say the stars. Insomnia will be your dark tormentor this month so spend that newly found free time roaming the local neighborhood subdivisions and randomly take bulbs out of people’s holiday light displays. Buy as much macaroni and cheese as you can, then wrap the individual boxes in holiday gift wrap and leave them on stranger’s porches. Drink at least one cup of hot cocoa a day and wear fake pointy ears wherever you go. When someone sees the ears and asks if you’re a Christmas elf, slap them and scream “No! I’m a Vulcan!” Neck pinch the cops when they arrive.

 

 

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Aquarius

The event of the month (and one of the most important events of the year!) will be the departure of Saturn from Aquarius’ house of career. Saturn has concentrated your attention on the professional area in the past two years and several months, but at the same time it might have created quite a lot of discomfort because Saturn doesn’t respect people’s personal space and is a close talker. You have probably built solidly by the side of Saturn but, after its departure, the climate will become friendlier and more relaxed, like your favorite pair of underwear. Buy as many nutcrackers as you can find and place them all over your house. Dress up like a general and command them to march. If people question this activity, threaten to have them court-martialed and executed by firing squad. Elsewhere on the holiday front, your Christmas tree will seem perfect until you discover three annoying singing chipmunks in it. Do not feed them or give them a record deal!

 

 

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Pisces

Jupiter’s presence in Pisces’ house of health and the good relationship Jupiter has with the ruler of said house should play a protective role, at least in the first two decans of December. However, you’ll have two weak points: the tendency towards excesses and the tendency towards risks. If you succeed in imposing a more disciplined and more prudent lifestyle to yourself, you won’ have any problems. Caution, especially during the winter holidays! A large bearded man wearing all red will climb through your chimney with a large sack while you sleep. When you awake, your house will be cleared of all valuables. Maybe you should have written down all those serial numbers like the stars told you to nine months ago Pisces! Anway, more bad holiday news as your office Secret Santa Program will go terribly wrong when you buy your boss a charming monkey’s paw that grants three wishes. Your boss will take this new found power and misuse it, ruining Christmas for at least three people in sales and probably two others in human resources.

 

 

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About Jack DeVoss (77 Articles)
Jackson Holden Solo DeVoss learned how to write poems from an old blind man he met while incarcerated in a Madagascan prison for crime he did not commit. After serving three long hard years, Solo was finally paroled when a wealthly lady friend paid the ransom for his release. Solo then traveled to a Shaolin monastery located high in the mountains of Myanmar; where he learned the mastery of many mystical and ancient arts from the Head Abbot, a crippled monk named Brother Lars who quoted Oscar Wilde too often. Two years later, Brother Lars and most of the other monks were killed - during an attack that was carried out under the cover of a horrendous snowstorm by ninja assassins of the Dark Hand Cult. Solo and a few others escaped, but the monastery was burnt to the ground. After slumming around Southeast Asia for five years, Solo migrated back to his home in the United States - where he became a vigilante crimefighter, fighting against the nefarious schemes of the Dark Hand Cult and its ninja assassins. He also published his first book, 'Names For Boys And Girls' and a collection of poems entitled 'Columbus Lost Another Genius'. Solo now lives in an abandoned church in Columbus, Ohio where he writes freelance, fights crime, and has a major drinking problem.

16 Comments on LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: DECEMBER HOROSCOPES 2014

  1. Damn chipmunks… I will shoot them on sight.

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  2. NotAPunkRocker // December 11, 2014 at 10:00 am //

    I am a Pisces who works in HR, so I know then mine is going to come true. Great.

    Like

  3. I’m Aries. I looked for your wish list on Amazon.com and could not find it which really doesn’t matter because Amazon.com does not ship to Canada.

    Like

  4. I have dumped all my money into lesbian porn as advised. Waiting on my riches!

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  5. Just great. I’m a Capricorn and penicillin sends me into anaphylaxis.

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  6. I was born on the cusp of Aries and Taurus. According to this post, my life is over as I know it.
    All I can say is…it’s about bloody time. *grin*

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  7. Damn… I was all excited … then… Ebola.

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  8. OK, the month is over (I’m really slow about these things sometimes). This horoscope was totally off (I’m a Leo). I’m never going to use your forecasts to dictate my life again. Which is really hard to do anyway since I don’t read them until a month and a half later.

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