It’s time for the American Music Awards! Where America honors music because freedom! All awards are hatched by bald eagles and stored inside the Statue of Liberty until the ceremony. Actually, The American Music Awards were created by Dick Clark in 1973 for ABC when the network’s contract to present the Grammy Awards expired. Unlike the Grammys, which are awarded on the basis of votes by members of the Recording Academy, the AMAs are determined by a poll of the public, music buyers, and internet trolls.
7:54p – Wait, there is no red carpet pre-show? Instead ABC is airing America’s Funniest Home Videos. This show is still a thing? Holy hand grenade of Antioch, it’s an anniversary season for AFV! This has been on for 25 years? What happened to Bob Saget? I mean what the…. Ha ha ha ha ha, that dude just got hit in the dick by a baby! Classic! Here’s to 25 more years AFV!
8:00p – We’ve started! We’re live from the Nokia theater in downtown L.A. Our host is Pitbull who is part Telly Savalas, part Vin Diesel, part James Bond, and all energy.
He throws it to the stage where former country music darling Taylor Swift is completing her selling out to pop divahood. She is singing her new single Blank Space on the old set of Meatloaf’s I Would Do Anything for Love but I Won’t Do That video. There is lots of pyro and it’s elaborate and very well done.
8:06p – We go back to Pitbull who is in the aisle yelling at us to make some noise. He runs on stage and welcomes us by yelling and mumbling in half English-half Spanish. He cracks an Obama immigration joke that’s pretty decent.
8:09p – Pitbull admits he likes butts. The camera cuts to Jennifer Lopez.
8:10p – Pitbull is clearly high on blue meth and Red Bull. He introduces us to Patrick Dempsey who has nothing to do with music and is presenting Favorite Pop/Rock Band/Duo/Group. One Direction wins their third AMA because remember, the AMAs are a popularity contest. The boys are all dressed in black as if they just left a funeral. They thank Simon Cowell for discovering them. Thanks Simon!
8:12p – The announcer informs us that it is not to late to vote for New Artist of the Year
8:13p – Commercials. Kohl’s is promoting some weird Frozen tie in
8:16p – Ansel Elgort from The Fault in Our Stars comes out to introduce Charli XCX who is not a droid from Star Wars despite her name. She is here to sing Boom Clap from the soundtrack, so at least Elgort being there makes sense. Halfway through Boom Clap she starts singing her next single Break the Rules and destroys a giant lollipop that was part of the stage dressing. She is frightening.
8:21p – Matthew Morrison from Glee and Rita Ora are next to introduce Magic and Wyclef Jean who proceed to reggae the hell out of the place. They wander into the audience and sing to people and stand on chairs. I can’t take Wyclef seriously singing reggae in leather pants. Nobody sings reggae in leather pants.
8:26p – Pitbull mumbles us out to commercials.
8:27p – Commercials. More Kohl’s Frozen stuff, apparently we’re also supposed to vote for someone to sing Let it Go inside a Kohl’s store at the end of the show.
8:30p – Pitbull is back and is funny again. I can’t help but like Pitbull. Dude is fun. He introduces Jaime Foxx who walks on stage with his daughter. They are adorable and are also presenting Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Album. Iggy Pop Azalea wins her first AMA despite being nominated thirteen times last year. She comes on and tells us that this award is the first thing she has ever won.
8:34p – Gavin DeGraw and Becky G introduce 5 Seconds of Summer who are here to cover The Romantics What I Like About You. When I blogged the MTV Video Music Awards I got in trouble from fan girls for calling 5 Seconds of Summer a bunch of haircuts. If you want to impress me, don’t do a cover song. And since these guys are from Australia, if you are going to do an 80’s cover song make it a goddamn Men At Work tune or even better, something from INXS.
8:37p – Commercials
8:42p – Pitbull welcomes us back and throws it to Danai Gurira and Lauren Cohan from The Walking Dead who introduce Imagine Dragons.
Imagine Dragons are singing their new single I Bet My Life. Imagine Dragons are awesome and the song is good and they have a bunch of crazy backing singers jumping around behind them singing the chorus. There are about 50 of these people. It reminds me of the first time I saw The Killers at SxSW. Anyway it all works and is very cool.
8:46p – Taylor Schilling and Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black are next presenting Favorite Pop/Rock Male Artist. Sam Smith wins. It is his first AMA. Sam’s song is super popular and super pretty and super B-O-R-I-N-G. By the way Sam Smith is what I imagine Morrissey and Boy George’s love child would look like. His acceptance speech is 14 seconds long. Sam Smith. God, even his name is boring.
8:49p – Commercials
8:54p – Pitbull is back in the audience and tells us that everyone backstage has glaucoma. That means everyone backstage is smoking pot. Thanks Pitbull!
8:55p – Captain Mal Reynolds from Firefly and Diana Agron from Glee introduce Sam Smith who just won an award 10 minutes ago. Smith is now here to lull us to sleep with his new pretty song I’m Not the Only One. Again, his voice is majestic and the song is beautiful and it’s going to be a huge hit and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
9:00p – T.I. is on stage to tell us that women can rap. He then introduces Iggy Pop Azalea and Charli XCX (who is still scary) to sing Iggy’s song Fancy which then morphs into Beg For It which causes our first 7 second dump moment from the director’s booth for cursing. Am I the only one who thinks Iggy Azalea looks like Charlotte Pickles from Rugrats?
9:05p – Meghan Trainor and Jhene Aiko are presenting Favorite Country Male Artist. Luke Bryan wins his third AMA in this category. He thanks his booking agent and his bus driver.
9:07p – Commercials
9:10p – Elizabeth Banks is introducing Lorde who did the soundtrack for Banks’ new movie The Hunger Games: Making Money Part One. Lorde is going to sing Yellow Flicker Beat. The camera is right in Lorde’s face and we can see up her nostrils. Lorde suddenly sounds like Bjork. Anyway as the camera pans out a bit Lorde is apparently trapped in a box. They finally raise it up off her and she walks over to a group of models who are just standing on stage loitering. Lorde freaks out from post claustrophobia or something and smears her lipstick and the song ends.
9:15p – Ariana Grande is immediately next in a stunning full length evening gown to sing a medley of Problem, Break Free, and Love Me Harder.
She is not wearing cat ears like I normally see her wear. The Weekend shows up to do his part of Love Me Harder and his hair is even more crazy then normal.
9:20p – Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy who are newly married come out and make fun of the fact that 25 years ago Donnie’s band New Kids on The Block won the award they are presenting which is Favorite Pop/Rock Album. I am going to make fun of the fact that Jenny McCarthy is a complete idiot who thinks that you shouldn’t vaccinate your kids even though all of science says you should and is only famous because of her boobs.
Anyway, One Direction wins their second award of the show.
9:23p – Commercials
9:28p – Miss America Kira Kazantsev is there for some reason. Oh, that reason is to introduce Pitbull who gets to take time out from entertaining us as host to entertain us with his music. Pitbull is the only person on the planet who can get away with this much sexual harassment. He is on stage with about 40 strippers and does a medley of his songs while waving his hand in front of his junk for two minutes.
9:34p – Two Kardashians and one Jenner are on stage to introduce Favorite Pop/Rock Female. How do these people keep getting air time? Stop making stupid people famous! Anyway, Katy Perry wins but she is on tour in Australia so we get a pre-recorded thank you from Katy that is a little awkward.
9:36p – Commericals
9:40p – Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years and Brantley Gilbert are here to present Favorite Alternative Rock Artist which goes to Imagine Dragons who win this category for the second year in a row.
9:41p – Lucy Hale from Pretty Little Liars and singer Mary Lambert are introducing Selena Gomez and the debut of her “very personal” song The Heart Wants What It Wants. She powers through it and it all seems forced. Meh.
9:46p – Julianne Hough from Dancing with the Stars is next, presenting New Artist of the Year which the trolls had the opportunity to vote for up until 3 minute ago. All the fan girls voted for 5 Seconds of Summer and they go up and accept and stutter and stammer as they are genuinely humble boys. They take their award and then go backstage to snort cocaine off of hooker’s asses.
9:49p – Commercials
9:54p – Pitbull throws it to Pat Monahan from Train and Olivia Munn from The Newsroom who are presenting Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Artist. Iggy Pickles Azalea wins her second award of the night.
9:56p – Kate Beckinsale is introducing One Direction and the audience is screaming their heads off. One Direction ballads the hell out of their ballad Night Changes which is a song about werewolves.
10:00p – Anthony Anderson takes time out from his Walmart commercials and comes out with his Blackish co-star Tracee Ellis Ross to introduce Lil Wayne and Christina Milian. Lil Wayne is trying to be the new Flavor Flav. Lil Wayne causes the second 7 second dump for swearing of the evening. Lil Wayne suddenly leaves the stage and Nicki Minaj is there with Skylar Grey. Nicki is wearing a conservative dress borrowed from Dolly Parton’s wardrobe. Skylar is wearing a stocking cap and a nightgown. Both performances are top notch.
10:07p – Commercials
10:12p – We come back to a flashback of Dick Clark and Diana Ross from an AMAs from long, long ago. Diana Ross 2014 then comes out on stage. She is here to present the inaugural Dick Clark Award for Excellence. Diana tells everyone what a stud Dick Clark was because of American Bandstand. She’s not wrong. Anyway, Taylor Swift wins the trophy. We get a montage of Taylor Swift which all but completely ignores her country music roots. Taylor then walks on stage and lectures us about not just buying singles but buying albums like they used to 20 years before she was born.
10:17p – Josh Duhamel is next to introduce his wife and former Kids Incorporated star Fergie. She is here to perform her new song L.A. Love (La La). It’s tired and rehashed horrible drivel. It’s also our third 7 second dump for potty words of the night. Blech.
10:22p – Commercials
10:27p – Pitbull is drunk. He flubs the intro for Luke Bryan who walks out to introduce Chris Gaines; wait, no, I mean Garth Brooks, who is not really there but is live via satellite from Greensboro, North Carolina. The song sounds like everything Garth Brooks has done before. Greensboro eats it up.
10:31p – Aloe Blacc and Ella Henderson are next to introduce Mary J. Blige. Blacc is wearing a shirt that says “Songwriter”. Anyway Blige is singing a song she co-wrote with Sam Smith, so that means it will be gorgeous and boring. It’s called Therapy and yeah, it makes me want to get some.
10:36p – Commercials
10:41p – The judges from Shark Tank are on stage for some reason. Oh yeah, Shark Tank is on ABC, that’s why! They are presenting Favorite Country Album and the winner is Brantley Gilbert who wore his best baseball hat to the show.
10:43p – Pentatonix are onstage. Pentatonix are the eight billionith attempt at making a capella music marketable. Sorry Pentatonix, if it didn’t work for Rockapella, it’s not ging to work for you. So, these people who make music with their voices are on stage and in the greatest fit or irony ever, their microphone is not working and we can’t really hear them. They softly introduce Bang Bang sung by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj. Unlike when this song debuted at the VMAs there is no twerking this time around. The trio is dressed like the Solid Gold Dancers however.
10:47p – Commercials
10:52p – Heidi Klum is out and needs to hurry because there are only eight minutes left in this thing. She is presenting Artist of the Year. One Direction wins their third award of the night. Yawn.
10:54p – Pitbull introduces the last performance of the night, Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea singing something about booties. At least that’s what Pitbull chants as we pan over to the stage where Lopez is writhing around. All hell breaks loose and Jenny from the Block is all over the place.
10:58p – Pitbull comes out and kisses Jennifer Lopez on the cheek and thanks everyone for coming out. We are then treated to captions that tell us that eleven AMAs were awarded off air because none of those artists had new singles to plug. Goodnight everyone!
11:00p – Wait a minute, Kohl’s never revealed who got to sing Let it Go. What a scam!
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