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LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: NOVEMBER HOROSCOPES 2014

November 2014 Horoscopes – Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Netflix Subscriber, and Crypto-zoologist

November 2014 will be a complex month, inconsistent and tough. Mars and Pluto will be together in Capricorn – a strong, determined combination, which will admirably focus on goals but which does not joke around and can generate radical, shocking, destructive actions. It’ll be like 11th grade all over again. Located in Scorpio, Saturn will come into contact with Venus and Mercury, and will see its insurance rates rise. This month’s Mars-Pluto tandem will be in conflict with Uranus in Aries, which can be the sign of some serious troubles that will occur suddenly, unexpectedly, without warning, and with surprise. Simultaneously, Uranus will have a good relationship with Jupiter located in Leo, and that’s when things get weird. Avoid street mimes this month. If you are going to be murdered in November, it will be by a street mime.

 

 

aries belle 

Aries

For the first part of November, the prognosis is not very optimistic regarding the sentimental life of Aries. Bummer, Dude. Anyway; Venus, the planet of love and the ruler of Aries’ house of relationships, will be in a hostile sector and even more than that, in the gloomy proximity of Saturn who is just way too emo right now. It’s possible that you’ll face blocks, fears and frustrations. You’ll come across situations which will force you to meditate on your partner’s psychological mechanisms. So be sure to nit-pick every single thing they do and never let them forget how they’ll never be as good as Brad who you dated two times in high school before he hooked up with that bitch from third period algebra. Brad was the best! Misunderstandings might occur on account of money or the person by your side might have financial problems. Don’t be too radical, look at things in a more open-minded way! Also, Google Brad and see what he’s been up to lately. Brad was so dreamy…. sigh.

 

 

taurus cinderella

Taurus

November will be an intensely emotional month for Taurus people, important and full of meanings. In Taurus’ house of couples, next to Saturn (which has been here for over two years because Saturn always overstays its welcome), will also be Venus, the Sun, and Mercury. You’ll need a lot of love and attention, so you’ll sort of be like a puppy who is being housebroken. Gross, but adorable. Anywho, you’ll be looking for love and understanding and you’ll want to share everything with your significant other – especially when they’re trying to eat, or surf the net, or play a video game. Everything that has to do with the couple will have priority for you and you will leaf through IKEA catalogs like a crazy person. Also, you must only take baths this month. Avoid showers and car washes. Play Jenga every day and challenge strangers to arm wrestling contests. It is written in the stars for you to do this Taurus!

 

 

gemini mulan

Gemini

The good development of the current relationship or the beginning of a new relationship will largely depend on communication. This communication will be the weapon you’ll seduce with, the instrument you can use to adjust, balance, strengthen or develop your sentimental relationships. So be sure you talk good ‘cause it be smart for you to do that with mouth and words. Important is the thing for use to be with speaking and writing and drawing underneath the table of business. Also, it is recommended that you take care of your health, because November could be critical for Gemini. You might end up with some disease or a chronic ailment might relapse or some unexpected development could take place. You really need to stop licking people who have just returned from West Africa. I know it’s fun, but think about it Gemini. Is it worth it? Also, avoid the color green on Thursday!

 

 

cancer tiana

Cancer

November will be the most passionate month of 2014 for Cancerians. There will be no fewer than 4 planets in Cancer’s house of love and eroticism. It will be crowded and smelly, just like New Jersey. Saturn, which has been rather cheap with tenderness and love lately, (just like it is whenever a check appears at the restaurant) has been joined by the energizing Sun, the sweet and sensual Venus, and the playful and frivolous Mercury. The Sun-Venus-Mercury combination will be more than enough to defeat any reserve of Saturn’s and to start enjoying the pleasures of the flesh, to experience new gallant adventures, or awaken old relationships. Release the Kraken! On the other hand, the passionate Mars will be in Cancer’s house of couples. Mars is the planet of sexuality, of desire and conquest, so you’ll be in for real action! Hot damn Cancer, you are going full skank this month. Wow. Also, you should put a stop to expenses and don’t chase bargains because you can end up losing! Avoid all after Thanksgiving sales and buy everything from that sketchy guy who sells stuff out of his van in the parking lot of the abandoned K-Mart.

 

 

leo megara

Leo

This is a month of hard work, in which Leos seem to want to finish everything there is to do – and some more. You will find yourself drawn to construction sites, offering your assistance in whatever project seems to be there. You will also find yourself paving over potholes over on 5th that have been neglected all Summer. Stock up on tar and nails. This will be a hectic month Leo, scattered with critical situations, in which you have to take action fast or make radical decisions. In fact, you may find yourself alone on a soon to be retired battleship that has been captured by mercenaries. It’ll be just you and the stripper who was hired for Captain Adams birthday party. Brush up on your knife figting skills Leo, Tommy Lee Jones is a crazy mofo. In Leo’s house of health will be Mars, which will build stressful aspects with Pluto and Uranus. There will be a risk of infection, inflammation, bleeding, burning, muscle ailment, surgery, accidents or other problems that can occur suddenly, painfully, violently. Watch out for Gary Busey.

 

 

virgo aurora

Virgo

Nothing will compare with the magnetism that Virgos will emanate in November. Absolutely nothing. I tried to compare it to about 4 dozen different things and it just didn’t work. I found myself unable to compare things well while reading your star chart but I chalked it up to hunger. Anyway, the Mars-Pluto conjunction, which will form in Virgo’s house of love, will have an overwhelming sexual load, kind of like a baked potato smothered in butter, sour cream, chives, and diced bacon – which will fascinate the others and will make you feel impulses and passion you didn’t think you were capable of anymore. You’ll feel like a seventeen year old holding a double whopper with cheese, surfing internet porn for the first time. Such a configuration can create irresistible attraction and memorable erotic experiences so buckle up this month Virgo! Moreover, around Saturn, the ruler of Virgo’s house of love, there will be the Sun, bringing warmth and vitality, like a supreme pizza with stuffed crust, and Venus, the planet of love and sensuality. Thus, November will be for Virgos a month of great emotional and sexual intensity. It’ll be like a plate of nachos and three corn tortilla tacos with marinated beef.

 

 

libra rapunzel

Libra

Initially, November will not seem to be a very romantic month for Librans, although with Uranus in your house of relationships you can never know what will happen! The first part of November could be rather uncomfortable for Librans, due to the fact that most of your furniture is infested with the dreaded Belize Hornbug Spider Mite that has slowly been feasting on your dead skin cells but now wants to eat your body hair. It’s itchy. Luckily, the second part of the month will fully compensate for it: Venus, the planet of love, will form a nice triangle with Uranus, located in Libra’s house of relationships, and with Jupiter, the Greater Benefic. Therefore, somebody new will appear in your life and give you a reason to be happy. Probably it’ll be the exterminator who will fumigate and destroy all the Belize Hornbug Spider Mites before you go totally bald. Be ready for novelty! It’s time you adopted a free and more courageous vision. This Thanksgiving if you don’t have at least four separate bean dishes on the table, a small island in the Pacific will be swallowed whole by Cthulhu.

 

 

scorpio jasmine

Scorpio

Under the transit of the cheerful and loving Venus, in the first part of November you’ll see life in a bright perspective. You’ll have reasons for this: Venus in Scorpio will lend you a joyful and loving mood, irresistibly attractive charm and considerable interest in all pleasures of life. Just kidding! This month is going to be a nightmare roller coaster ride through all levels of Hell while your mother-in-law sits in your lap nagging you the entire time! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Or not, the stars are not totally clear on this issue. Scorpio this month is a bit hazy. However, because of the position of Uranus in your third quadrant of your house of distress, this month you are prone to sudden fits of restlessness, anxiousness or irritation, which could lead to conflicts or accidents. Be careful when driving and when handling dangerous objects or substances! If you are a nuclear waste disposal experiment, this month is going to suck. Also this month will find you arguing with pretty much everyone you come in contact with, from your letter carrier to your checkout clerk at the grocery store. Avoid physical contact with strangers and do not ride the bus anywhere. Try to watch as much HGTV as you can to calm your nerves. If you can manage to rent a pogo stick, things will improve dramatically but do not purchase the pogo stick, that’ll just makes things worse.

 

 

sagitarius pocahontas

Sagittarius

Regardless of how much goodwill you might have, it is possible that problems will not be avoidable in the first part of November. The stars say you will become a degenerate gambler for at least three solid weeks this month. But this is good because the square between Uranus, located in Sagittarius’ house of love, and Mars, the ruler of this house, will trigger the second part of November so things will visibly improve, and chance will provide Sagittarians with a slice of happiness that they really deserve. That slice is not limited to a second helping of pie at Thanksgiving dinner either buddy! Buy lottery tickets like they’re going out of style! You’ll have a lot of financial initiative, and here some things can go very well, and others very badly. You will lose at the track but win at the casino. You’ll do well with actions thoroughly thought of and with safe placements. So stick to keno and roulette and stay away from craps. You’ll do badly when you hurry and take risks so go slow at the hold ‘em tables. Also bet the Dolphins and give the points, but take the points to the Raiders because even though they suck, that line is just too insane.

 

 

capricorn jane

Capricorn

You’ll be very motivated and determined to take the initiative at the sentimental level. If you have set your mind to achieving something, you’ll take action very fast. You’ll be like weasel covered in Crisco. Mars will be in Capricorn and in addition to determination and dynamism; it will give you passionate manifestations and will enhance your sexual instinct. Moving on to another point, Venus, the planet of love, will be in a lucky house in November. This position of Venus will favor fun, socialization and group activities. It is time to go out and join things! It is time to place an ad in every possible category on Craigslist that you can. Sell your washer and dryer and your bed sheets. Your newest greatest best friend could be right there waiting to buy them. Spend hours looking at the postings at the YMCA. Troll all the social media and start following EVERYONE on Twitter. It’s all right there in front of you Capricorn! Go out as often as possible, participate in events, and make new friends! Also avoid wearing open toed shoes while eating Indian food.

 

 

aqaurius snow_white

Aquarius

Located in Aquarius’ house of couples until August of next year, Jupiter will create a favorable background at the sentimental level. But it will still talk about you behind your back because Jupiter is petty and cruel. If you are in a couple, you’ll end up at IKEA and will spend way too much money on things with umlauts that no one can pronounce. You will also get into a huge fight while building what should be a TV stand but somehow ends up being an end table. If you are single, you can start a new relationship with the next Uber driver who picks you up. Uber is the new eHarmony. If you are in a burdening relationship, lacking good perspectives, you’ll find it easy to step out of it because, you know, screw that person. Their earlobes are weird anyway. Be sure to walk up the stairs backwards as often as possible. Guard your back! Your hidden enemies will be very active. There are ninjas in your attic as we speak.

 

 

pisces ariel

Pisces

In the second and the third decans of November, Mercury will enjoy great company: Saturn, the Sun, and Venus. Those guys are off the hook when they get together. Thus, for Pisces people it seems to be a full, significant period, which could nevertheless lead at one point to a situation that requires a decision to be made: do you shave it or leave it the way it is. In the second part of November, chance will be on your side: your superiors will be benevolent to you, and random strangers will stop throwing batteries at your head. Opportunities will come from where you least expect them to come, the number of your clients will increase, there will be opportunities to go public or participate in important events, where you can establish nice and useful relationships to your career. Get into the rhythm and cash in on your talents! You will have high chances to achieve great things. Audition for American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, Shark Tank, and Wipeout! Do it Pisces, you dirty media whore.

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About Jack DeVoss (77 Articles)
Jackson Holden Solo DeVoss learned how to write poems from an old blind man he met while incarcerated in a Madagascan prison for crime he did not commit. After serving three long hard years, Solo was finally paroled when a wealthly lady friend paid the ransom for his release. Solo then traveled to a Shaolin monastery located high in the mountains of Myanmar; where he learned the mastery of many mystical and ancient arts from the Head Abbot, a crippled monk named Brother Lars who quoted Oscar Wilde too often. Two years later, Brother Lars and most of the other monks were killed - during an attack that was carried out under the cover of a horrendous snowstorm by ninja assassins of the Dark Hand Cult. Solo and a few others escaped, but the monastery was burnt to the ground. After slumming around Southeast Asia for five years, Solo migrated back to his home in the United States - where he became a vigilante crimefighter, fighting against the nefarious schemes of the Dark Hand Cult and its ninja assassins. He also published his first book, 'Names For Boys And Girls' and a collection of poems entitled 'Columbus Lost Another Genius'. Solo now lives in an abandoned church in Columbus, Ohio where he writes freelance, fights crime, and has a major drinking problem.

13 Comments on LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: NOVEMBER HOROSCOPES 2014

  1. I always suspected ninjas lived in my attic. What about that comet, thought? Do spacecraft on them change anything? More ninjas? Also, my 12-year-old brain always giggles at the use of, ‘Uranus.’

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  2. Ughhhh. Scorpio here and am NOT looking forward to mother-in-law sitting on my lap. Hope nothing arises.

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  3. I am an Aries married to a Capricorn. So Capricorn best use his sexual instinct on me and not on Craigslist, else there will be more trouble than you can imagine. Just think a hot, angry redhead who is an Aries.

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  4. Not the spiders. Noooo! Can’t you send another pest? Maybe something my cat could catch? Now I won’t attempt but one bean dish at Thanksgiving. Whew! What a relief. On the other hand, my Scorpio husband is in for a hellish month. I think so far he’s on track.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, the stars say your husband is in for a terrible time and will stub his toe at least 12 times in the next 5 days. I’m sporry Amy Reese’s husband, the stars have spoken.

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  5. Hahaha tooo coool – the sketchy guy in the k-mart parking lot.

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  6. Pisces here, hehe wish all that is for real.

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