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SPECIAL REPORT: Ebola virus may spread faster than Brad-Angelina sex tape

image To avoid creating widespread panic with that headline, let me begin by assuring everyone there’s NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! You did not somehow miss a Brad and Angelina sex tape that was leaked onto the Internet. However, before giving a huge sigh of relief, there’s still that whole Ebola thing going on in Texas which, depending on who you ask, is right here in the U.S.

As I mentioned yesterday, being a journalist means I’m trained to recognize subtleties the average person might overlook, such as a reluctant glance, misspoken word or, in the case of yesterday’s breakfast, a festive filtration mask wedged between the Egg McMuffin and hash brown in my McDonald’s food sack…

Rumor has it Taco Bell is handing out sombreros with mosquito netting, but I can't confirm that.

Rumor has it Taco Bell is handing out sombreros with mosquito netting, but I can’t confirm that.

My journalistic instincts immediately told me 1) The government isn’t being honest with us about the danger posed by the spread of Ebola, 2) The only way to get to the truth was to fly to Dallas and see for myself, and 3) No one at Long Awkward Pause was going to pay for my flight. As it turned out, my instincts were wrong on that last one. Chris was able to call in a favor and arranged for a chartered flight directly to Dallas/Ft. Worth early this morning…

There was no in-flight movie and the peanuts were stale, but someone did hand me a bottle of vodka before duct taping me to a wall in the cargo bay.

There was no in-flight movie and the peanuts were stale, but someone did hand me a bottle of vodka before duct-taping me to a wall in the cargo bay.

My objective was to remain stealth so I could arrive in Dallas without the typical kind of “dog-and-pony show” often arranged by government officials trying to hide something. The only exception was the time I stood and made that accusation during what turned out to be an actual dog and pony show, causing a miniature Clydesdale to panic and step on a teacup poodle. This time, I was taking no chances and made sure no one knew of my arrival. In addition, I also made sure there was no type of animal show in town. After landing in Dallas, I arranged for a rental car and immediately noticed something the untrained eye would have missed…

I'm usually lucky if the all the M&Ms have been vacuumed out of my rental car, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that mine was vacuum sealed!

I’m usually lucky if the all the M&Ms have been vacuumed out of my rental car, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that mine was vacuum sealed!

It wasn’t until pealing back the plastic and getting into my car I realized how close I’d come to having my cover blown by Karl Rove, who was getting into the rental next to me…

Imagine my shock at seeing Karl Rove next to me with his two children, meaning someone actually had sex with him twice.

Imagine my shock at seeing Karl Rove next to me with his two children, meaning someone actually had sex with him twice.

As I drove through town looking for a hotel to stage my investigation from, I have to say I was impressed by Dallas’ commitment to recycling. These special trash receptacles are available literally EVERYWHERE and are easy to spot thanks to their bright red color and clearly marked “recycling” symbol…

Everything is bigger in Texas... except it's carbon footprint that is!

Everything is bigger in Texas… except its carbon foot print!

Instead of driving around and hoping to find a hotel, I decided to save time by asking someone. I followed the suggestion of the this average Dallas citizen…

Because his Texas drawl made him hard to understand, I settled for the Ramada across the street.

Because his Texas drawl made him hard to understand, I settled for the Ramada across the street.

To my surprise, not only did I get a room, but it was upgraded to a suite for the price of a single as part of a promotion Ramada is calling its “Pick a Room, Name a Price and We’ll Take It” incentive program. According to the desk clerk, the hotel was completely empty. Probably because it was the middle of the week. When the private elevator to the suite opened, I was more than impressed with what my $29.99 got me…

Wow! The room must've been so newly remodeled they forgot to remove the plastic!

Wow! The room must’ve been so newly remodeled they forgot to remove the plastic!

As an added touch of class, the hotel provides guests with these in case they forget toiletries. There’s even zip-up coveralls for lounging if you happened to forget your robe…

Shower cap, coveralls, hand wipes, laundry bag — it's all in there!

Shower cap, coveralls, hand wipes, laundry bag — it’s all in there — and judging from the symbol, completely recyclable!

Given that I had seen no signs of concern from Dallas residents in spite of their close proximity to Gov. Rick Perry one of the deadliest viruses known to man, I couldn’t call my investigation complete without a visit to the epicenter of the Ebola threat debate: Presbyterian Hospital. Taking the I75 loop around Dallas, I exited Walnut Hill Lane and came upon the hospital — and a sight that put the last of my fears to rest…

How bad could it be if "The Greatest Show on Earth" is in town?

How bad could it be if “The Greatest Show on Earth” is in town?

So rest easy, everyone! As Dr. Anthony Fauci of the National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Disease said:

"There's only this much chance of catching Ebola here in the U.S., which coincidentally happens to be the size of my [censored]."

“There’s only this much chance of catching Ebola here in the U.S., which coincidentally happens to be the size of my [censored].”

Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.

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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

42 Comments on SPECIAL REPORT: Ebola virus may spread faster than Brad-Angelina sex tape

  1. Aw, man. I did not see that Clydesdale /poodle thing coming. Tragic.

    Like

  2. You left out the part where folks strip down and bathe in hand sanitizer lotion in public. Rubbing alcohol is the new Chanel No5.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Well then glad there’s no worries and all are safe. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Exactly the sort of timely, informative reporting I have come to expect from my number one source for news; “LAP”

    Like

  5. Thanks for risking your life for us to give us your report. I can ignore all those headlines now and get some sleep at night.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Nothing more to say than “I loved this so much.”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. ve to sacrafice Jerry Jones in the fight, so be it.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Great stuff your blog makes me happy every time, never stop writing☺

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Someone told me yesterday that there are more job openings in Texas than people to fill them. Now I know why.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Those of us in Texas are actually pretty disturbed by the daily increasing number of folks who were infected by the deceased Mr. Duncan. Would that we could all be the boy in the bubble right now. But soon Atlanta and Maryland can worry as well–it appears that “Clipboard Man” may be coming down with a case of the virus soon enough. Hopefully, no nurses will get sent up to the northwest for treatment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In all seriousness, the shuffling around of people with the virus is more than a little disconcerting. It would seem keeping them isolated would be best for everyone. And I doubt any Northwest nurses will be sent anywhere unless there are hallucinogenic mushrooms or marijuana involved.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. The size of my dohickey?

    Like

  12. Bahahahah hahaaa. Glad to see you’re on the case.

    Oh, and some of the best days of my life involved duct tape and vodka. Just sayin’.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Are you sure the sex tape isn’t under wraps too?

    Like

  14. Oh, Ned, you’re a genuinely funny guy and a kick-ass scribe – and the only reason I keep coming around this site. (I had a bizarre interaction with a LAP member yesterday and I swore off this site until I remembered your contributions.)
    If I can someday channel 10% of your talent, Ned, I’ll be a happy blogging bellman.

    Like

  15. I am currently writing an Ebola song. It’s going to be a hit. I know it.

    Like

  16. I wonder when the news cycle of running out of petroleum will come around again. Can’t wait for the gas lines to stretch down the street and around the block again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • With my Safeway fuel rewards, I paid $1.65 a gallon for gas yesterday. The gas I got from eating at the Mexican restaurant at lunch was more expensive! But I’m sure you’re right. Enjoy it while you can.

      The gas prices, I mean. Not the gassiness.

      Liked by 1 person

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