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LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: OCTOBER HOROSCOPES 2014

 

October 2014 HoroscopesCompiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Pilates Instructor, and Crypto-zoologist

In October relationships will again be an extremely sensitive issue, no matter if it is about couple relationships, friendships, Relationships will be tense and conflicts can easily appear out of anything. Avoid games of pinochle, spades, or go fish. Your chances of getting knifed over trump are high this month. On the other hand, the Grand Trine in Fire signs formed by Mars (located in Sagittarius) with Jupiter (in Leo) and Uranus will impregnate the whole world with productive and refreshing enthusiasm, very favorable to the people who have set their minds to big plans. At the center of the action will be Librans, Arians, Sagittarians and Leos, as well as all those who have their Ascendant or other important factors of their natal chart in these signs. Mars is in the second house which means you should not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks.

 

Aries (THE RAM)

aries oct

Until October 23rd in Aries’ house of couple will be the Sun, that will make you radiate and energize, along with Venus, the planet of love, which for Aries is also the ruler of their house of couple. Your radiation levels will be like Chernobyl in July. At first sight, the presence of the Sun and Venus in your house of couples promises harmony and fulfillment. Conversely, Mercury will be retrograde and Venus will have tense relationships with Pluto and Uranus. The ruler of Aries’ house of diseases, Mercury, will also be retrograde, indicating a period that requires extra attention. You’ll have a lot of physical energy but this is not the problem. The big problem is the stars say you’re probably going to get Ebola or Swine Flu or Swine Ebola this month. Sorry. It’s a real bummer, I know.

 

Taurus (THE BULL)

NIGHT COURT (US TV SERIES)

Don’t expect October to be a month in which everything will go according to the plan! Mars, the ruler of Taurus’ house of couples, has big plans: it wants to change or bring something new to your domestic or private sphere and, with the help of Uranus; it can defeat the conservatism of Saturn, located precisely in Taurus’ house of couples. Place yourself accordingly, for the revolution is almost here and will not be televised. Try to avoid being too close to walls and always sit facing the doors. Unexpected development can also involve your finances or career. You’ll deal with business, purchases, investments or other activities that are related to banks, insurance, the IRS. Mostly tax fraud and being called before a congressional subcommittee to testify about why you took all those deductions on cat food from 2001 to 2009. Who buys that much Meow Mix anyway? At least you’re not getting Ebola like poor Aries up there.

 

Gemini (THE TWINS)

gemini oct

The characteristic of Gemini’s sentimental life in October will be dynamism. Fortunately, Mars will be well supported by Venus, Jupiter and Uranus, so the events it will bring should be happy and make you tingle where you pee. Mars, the planet of energy, action and passion, will cross Gemini’s house of couples. But just as well the configuration can bring Geminians some sudden love, or can act as a catalyst for the break-up of an inappropriate relationship. So, it’s time to stop watching Pretty Little Liars. You’re better than that Gemini. Watch House of Cards or Homeland or something with deeper character driven storylines. There will be plenty of ideas and initiatives and you’ll go on many trips, have a lot of interesting meetings and discussions. You’ll make new acquaintances, negotiate new contracts, plan new collaborations. Find ten buddies and knock over a casino in Vegas.

 

Cancer (THE CRAB)

cancer oct

October will bring Cancerians a greater need for privacy, warmth and tenderness. It doesn’t seem to be a very expansive month, marked not by a burning passion or lust for adventure, but rather oriented towards peaceful life, home, family and domestic chores. It is possible that you’ll be preoccupied with the redecoration of your home to make it more beautiful or more comfortable. Buy as many throw pillows as you can. Or maybe a jet engine will fall on your house and a giant creepy bunny named Frank will tell you to do things like flood the school. Whatever. Anyway, the Great Trine in Fire signs formed by Mars, Jupiter and Uranus will fill Cancer’s vocational houses with force and enthusiasm. For example, it would now be the right time for those initiatives that require more courage such as dental or surgical procedures. This is the month to have as many unnecessary surgeries as you can. Like that lady who faked having a third boob only this time you should do it for reals.

 

Leo (THE LION) 

leo oct

October distinguishes itself by an overwhelming sexual force, fervent wishes and the tendency towards adventure. It’s hookers and heroin all damn month long Leo. Seriously. With Jupiter located precisely in Leo and with Mars in Leo’s house of eroticism, passion can outburst suddenly and it’ll be difficult, if not impossible, to control. Things will occur prematurely if you can my drift, but don’t worry Leo, it happens to all guys at one time or another. The intellect will also be involved, because you’ll be attracted to quick-thinking people who will stimulate you intellectually, and cause your brain to be come rock hard and engorged. No matter how high you aim, the important thing is to keep your feet on the ground, so let your partner climb into the sex swing. This month’s safe word is rhubarb.

 

Virgo (THE VIRGIN)

virgo oct

For Virgos October foreshadows to be rather peaceful and prosaic in the money department. Virgo’s financial axis will be marked by the Moon eclipse, by important transits (of the Sun, which highlights, and of Venus, a planet with money-related connotation), by conjunctions and oppositions, and even by Mercury’s retrograde movement. You can expect a lot of agitation, surprising developments, changes of situation, stress and the death of thousands of emu and ostriches from a strange bird disease called “F*ck All Emus and Ostriches virus”. Sadly, you should not have bought that emu and ostrich farm. That was a bad move Virgo. Anyway, it’s recommended that you are careful how you manage whatever money you have left after burying all those dead emus and ostriches so that you avoid further risks and speculations. Physical activities will be welcomed but try to organize your life as well as possible so that you don’t waste your energy on useless or extremely stressful activities. This will be difficult since you still have 149 dead emus and 120 dead ostriches to bury.

 

Libra (THE SCALES)

libra oct

Unexpected turns can always happen – this would be the motto of October as regards Librans. I would get your steering checked pronto! Mars will fortify Librans’ spirit and mind, endowing them with capacity to persuade and a very vigorous spirit of initiative. Together with Jupiter and Uranus, Mars will urge you to plan actions in which you’ll mobilize the others as well, and which will bring you satisfaction although they will be rather exhausting. What this means Libra is you are going to be chosen to lead a ragtag band of oppressed citizens in a revolt against the tyrannical and corrupt leadership of the Capital of a distant land. Before that you will have to compete in a kill or be killed game and Lenny Kravitz is going to make your clothes burst into flame. I know it sounds weird Libra, but the box office numbers are going to be awesome. Later, those nudie pictures you took are going to be leaked online.

 

Scorpio (THE SCORPION)

scorpio oct

The harmonious aspect between Jupiter and Uranus, both located in Scorpio’s vocational houses, will be energized by Mars, located in Scorpio’s house of money, which forms a wonderful Fire trine with Jupiter and Uranus. You’ll probably be the patron of such accomplishments, for which you have worked hard for a while, with discretion, maybe even secretly. Like a ninja. That’s not all though. Expect for fate to take you by surprise because with a Moon eclipse in Scorpio’s house of diseases and with a Sun eclipse precisely in Scorpio, in October you shouldn’t kid around. Spare yourself and, if you know you suffer from any ailments or vulnerability or if you notice something wrong with the way your body works, you are recommended to see a doctor very soon and to follow the treatments exactly. Things to watch out for include: vertigo, dizziness, itching, slurred speech, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, temporary blindness, jazz hands, profuse sweating, and heart palpitations. Follow your ambitions courageously! You can fulfill them.

 

Sagittarius (THE ARCHER)

sagittarius oct

It’s time for action! Mars will be in Sagittarius, lending you more dynamism and more initiative. In October you’ll need more than ever to manifest yourself energetically, to fight for something, to prove your qualities, to impose your point of view, to coordinate, to rule. Dust off that robot army you have been hiding in the basement. It might be time to unleash the mechanical holocaust on the denizens of your community. Since Mars will form a beautiful trine with Jupiter, the ruler of Sagittarius, and with the electrifying Uranus, the energies will be well channeled, the efforts will have nice results and new horizons will open to you, ready to be explored and conquered. If the robots are not ready, fret not because Jupiter has a preference for people with hairy toenails. Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and pretend you own an oil refinery. Spend as much time loitering in the shoe aisle at Wal-Mart as you can. Ask anyone you see in a blue shirt if you can buy only the left shoes of every style in stock. It is written in the stars for you to do this Sagittarius.

 

Capricorn (THE GOAT)

capricorn oct

The location of Venus, the planet of love, in the highest position of your solar horoscope (Capricorn’s tenth house) will massively highlight your charm, with benefits both at the sentimental level and at the social one. In October you can benefit from popularity and you’ll be attracted to people with a good image that have power and prestige. However, that pompous ass Paul Allen will always seem to have better things than you and he can always get the best reservations. Plus, his business card is stunning. The only way to solve this dilemma is to get him drunk and invite him back to your apartment, put on Hip to be Square by Huey Lewis and The News and then kill him with an axe. Dispose of his smug body and then go back to his apartment and stage it so it looks as if he went to London. You’re going to get away with it Capricorn, even if you don’t want to.

 

Aquarius (THE WATER BEARER)

aquarius oct

You’ll be in a great physical shape and you’ll have admirable morale all throughout October. You’ll be plugged in, continuously animated, and the mind will work very sharply. It’s almost as if everything is too perfect, as if some unseen force was programming the environment around you. What is the Matrix? Mars, the ruler of Aquarius’ house of career, will be in a lucky house and will form a superb Fire trine with Jupiter and Uranus. The combination will emanate a lot of energy and will allow the achievement of some great, important things. You are going to break out and find a small dedicated band of warriors who will help you tackle the question of what is real and what is made by the machines. October doesn’t favor the independent development of Aquarians, but only as part of a team. Take the red pill Aquarius.

 

Pisces (THE FISH)

pisces oct

Mercury, the ruler of Pisces’ house of couples, will start its retrograde movement in Pisces’ ninth house, and it will enter Pisces’ eighth house again (in reversed movement), where there is also Venus, the planet of love. It’s going to be very crowded very fast so double up on the deodorant. For Pisceans October will be a month with a great potential to succeed. The enterprising Mars will be in Pisces’ house of career, and from there it will launch harmonious aspects towards Jupiter, located in Pisces’ house of work, and towards Uranus. It is time to tackle the stock market! Buy all the shares of Blackberry you can and be sure to snatch up as many Beanie Babies as you are able to get your hands on. The bottom will never fall out of those markets. Don’t invest in corn, instead diversify and put all your money into chicken nuggets and pink slime. Call random brokers and shout obscenities at them and declare yourself the next Gordon Gecko in every chat room you can log into.  If you switch the channel from Bloomberg, the world will explode.

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About Jack DeVoss (77 Articles)
Jackson Holden Solo DeVoss learned how to write poems from an old blind man he met while incarcerated in a Madagascan prison for crime he did not commit. After serving three long hard years, Solo was finally paroled when a wealthly lady friend paid the ransom for his release. Solo then traveled to a Shaolin monastery located high in the mountains of Myanmar; where he learned the mastery of many mystical and ancient arts from the Head Abbot, a crippled monk named Brother Lars who quoted Oscar Wilde too often. Two years later, Brother Lars and most of the other monks were killed - during an attack that was carried out under the cover of a horrendous snowstorm by ninja assassins of the Dark Hand Cult. Solo and a few others escaped, but the monastery was burnt to the ground. After slumming around Southeast Asia for five years, Solo migrated back to his home in the United States - where he became a vigilante crimefighter, fighting against the nefarious schemes of the Dark Hand Cult and its ninja assassins. He also published his first book, 'Names For Boys And Girls' and a collection of poems entitled 'Columbus Lost Another Genius'. Solo now lives in an abandoned church in Columbus, Ohio where he writes freelance, fights crime, and has a major drinking problem.

12 Comments on LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: OCTOBER HOROSCOPES 2014

  1. Damn those Emu! Emus? Emi? meh

    Like

  2. Hilarious! 🙂

    Like

  3. I’m in the Matrix this month? Did I just win a prize, or what!

    Like

  4. If my Leo horoscope is correct, my heart is working extra hard this month pushing extra blood to my brain and penis. In fact, I’m anticipating a heart attack by the end of the month.

    Like

  5. Oh, thank God, this finally got put up! I had to put the entire month on hold until I could see how to navigate it. Plowing full steam ahead now, (maybe into a jet engine or surgery, but at least I’m mentally prepared).

    Like

  6. I’m a Scorpio…so no Ebola? I’m reading the list of aliments…and I see no Ebola…right?

    Like

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