LAP’s Investment Hoarding Guide

If you're like me, you get deluged with snail-mail, e-mail and telemarketers trying to sell you the latest, hottest and most profitable get-rich-quick scheme. They all share some common traits: One, they're profitable – for the jerk selling the plan, and; Two, they involve either gold, silver, diamonds or 'official' minted coins made of that stuff.  Except diamonds.  You can't make coins out of diamonds yet. Anyone with half a functioning brain cell knows the precious metals market is risky. Everyone else is trying to make a buck on gold or silver, so the price flies all over the map almost as fast as your bank account empties.  Diamonds, if you don't know, are not (repeat: not) rare.  They're a commodity in an artificial high-demand market controlled by three suppliers.  Try selling a diamond... go ahead, I'll wait. *pens a novel* *builds a robot* *eats bacon*

Okay, so now you know. Sorry about that worthless engagement rock, buddy.  Ideally the warm, soft, good-smelling thing wearing it is the valuable prize.  If not, well, sorry.  Either way, you’re wondering now: how do you get ahead?  Penny stocks?  Sub-prime bond speculation?

If you want to invest in rare things, I researched some truly rare shit. Using the gold/silver precious metal model, all you have to do is ‘acquire’ some of this stuff and hold on to it.

Saffron: Yes, saffron. It moves for about $5000 per pound.  Get yourself some of this now.  Even if the market tanks, you’ll have kick-ass rice.

Rhino Horn: At a going rate of $25,000 per pound, you stand to make some fat stacks after the species goes extinct from poaching, you heartless asshole.

Meth: Speaking of fat stacks, brush up on your chemistry and pick a rockin’ alias from physics, because this stuff moves for $25,600 a pound. You’ll need a motorhome and a ‘crew,’ though.  Even better, your downstream ‘investors’ will be dying to get more of your supply.

Crème de la Mer: This beauty cream goes for $32,000 a pound and will help your meth investors look better. To avoid a patent suit, simply repackage it.  I suggest a name like, “Crème du Somme Guye.”

Plutonium: Because big energy or entire governments generally dabble in this commodity, you stand to hit the big time fast. Charge around $1,814,367.52 per pound, unless the guy looks Russian, North Korean, or Iranian.

Painite: The rarest gem in the world goes for over $136 million per pound, but you can collect it because the name alone is badass… “This is my painite collection – don’t touch!”

Antimatter: Brush up on your physics here, boys and girls, or be prepared for some annihilatingly-good explosive times. This $100 trillion-per-gram stuff is essentially priceless, but think of the cosplay cred you could pull down in Star Trek world.  Live long and prosper.

Good luck and happy hunting.

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