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LAP’s Investment Hoarding Guide

image If you're like me, you get deluged with snail-mail, e-mail and telemarketers trying to sell you the latest, hottest and most profitable get-rich-quick scheme. They all share some common traits: One, they're profitable – for the jerk selling the plan, and; Two, they involve either gold, silver, diamonds or 'official' minted coins made of that stuff.  Except diamonds.  You can't make coins out of diamonds yet. Anyone with half a functioning brain cell knows the precious metals market is risky. Everyone else is trying to make a buck on gold or silver, so the price flies all over the map almost as fast as your bank account empties.  Diamonds, if you don't know, are not (repeat: not) rare.  They're a commodity in an artificial high-demand market controlled by three suppliers.  Try selling a diamond... go ahead, I'll wait. *pens a novel* *builds a robot* *eats bacon*

Okay, so now you know. Sorry about that worthless engagement rock, buddy.  Ideally the warm, soft, good-smelling thing wearing it is the valuable prize.  If not, well, sorry.  Either way, you’re wondering now: how do you get ahead?  Penny stocks?  Sub-prime bond speculation?

If you want to invest in rare things, I researched some truly rare shit. Using the gold/silver precious metal model, all you have to do is ‘acquire’ some of this stuff and hold on to it.

Saffron: Yes, saffron. It moves for about $5000 per pound.  Get yourself some of this now.  Even if the market tanks, you’ll have kick-ass rice.

Rhino Horn: At a going rate of $25,000 per pound, you stand to make some fat stacks after the species goes extinct from poaching, you heartless asshole.

Meth: Speaking of fat stacks, brush up on your chemistry and pick a rockin’ alias from physics, because this stuff moves for $25,600 a pound. You’ll need a motorhome and a ‘crew,’ though.  Even better, your downstream ‘investors’ will be dying to get more of your supply.

Crème de la Mer: This beauty cream goes for $32,000 a pound and will help your meth investors look better. To avoid a patent suit, simply repackage it.  I suggest a name like, “Crème du Somme Guye.”

Plutonium: Because big energy or entire governments generally dabble in this commodity, you stand to hit the big time fast. Charge around $1,814,367.52 per pound, unless the guy looks Russian, North Korean, or Iranian.

Painite: The rarest gem in the world goes for over $136 million per pound, but you can collect it because the name alone is badass… “This is my painite collection – don’t touch!”

Antimatter: Brush up on your physics here, boys and girls, or be prepared for some annihilatingly-good explosive times. This $100 trillion-per-gram stuff is essentially priceless, but think of the cosplay cred you could pull down in Star Trek world.  Live long and prosper.

Good luck and happy hunting.



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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

15 Comments on LAP’s Investment Hoarding Guide

  1. Thanks! I’m gonna be rich!!!


  2. And if you get caught selling the meth, are sent to jail, you get a girl/boyfriend, roof over your head, 3 meals a day, and if you are lucky you can still invest in meth. 🙂


  3. I knew investment in Physics was the key…lots of potential, lots of growth, huge market. Gosh, now I’m sounding like a telemarketer!


  4. Hmmm, I may stick to my Nigerian Treasury Secretary uncle.


  5. I have some swamp land that’s worth a mint…


  6. I don’t know why, but I want to eat Crème de la Mer.


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