As a child, coloring was always a good time waster. It didn’t matter whether or not you colored in the lines, out of the lines, or like Robin Thicke, and colored with blurred lines.
And half naked dancing girls.
And Miley Cyrus, with a foam finger.
Taking a poll amongst the staffers of Long Awkward Pause, the favorite color from the crayon box ended up being…Burnt Umber. Mostly because of the name of the color and not the actual color itself. But upon reflection, Burnt Umber really doesn’t get the respect it deserves. There are no Burnt Umber colored clothes, there are no Burnt Umber colored fruits, and there are no Burnt Umber ribbons to wear on your label to celebrate some sort of disease or cause.
We at LAP have decided to redo the website in shades of Burnt Umber and Mustard Yellow. This is our small part in helping to right the wrong of the Burnt Umber plight.
Adam will be happy for the painstaking hours of work he now has to do to re-image the whole site.
Below are some artists that took everyday kid’s coloring pages and added their own unique twist to them. Unfortunately, not a single shade of Burnt Umber among them.
1. Fire Ant?
Omawarisan: Dermatologists recommend a wide brimmed hat and sunscreen that is at least SPF 35.
List of X: I still have no idea what color is Burnt Umber, but at least now I know what color Burned Ant is.
BrainRants: Perfectly illustrates the twisted relationship between ants and magnifying glasses. A+
Ned: Maybe next time he’ll have the decency to wear some clothes to hide that third antenna.
2. Piranha’s Love Puppies
Omawarisan: If he’d have just read the warning signs on the river bank…this is why I’m starting a charity focused on K-9 literacy.
List of X: The gruesome death of the puppy doesn’t bother me half as much as the fact that piranhas are wearing lipstick.
BrainRants: That’s not lipstick. It’s Cute Puppy Blood, which is awesome. Perverse creativity. A-
Ned: On the bright side, think of how excited he’ll be when he finds those bones!
List of X: “Cute Puppy Blood”, now that’s an awesome name for a lipstick color!
3. In Space No One Can Hear You Meow
Omawarisan: I’m willing to admit this – I am overthinking this one. A coloring book picture and I’m thinking about physics. I don’t know anything of physics.
List of X: This is what happens when NASA sends a cat into space and forgets a litter box.
BrainRants: Explosive Decompression a la Garfield meets Gravity. B+
Ned: This is what happens to any astronaut, human or animal, when Justin Bieber’s “Believe” is the in-flight movie.
4. I Heart You
Omawarisan: Once you go robot you never go back.
List of X: This what happens when NASA also forgets cat food.
BrainRants: Not only will aliens rip out our pressurized hearts, they’ll give us prison sex, too. C+
Ned: Once again, Glondark’s overzealous welcome kicked off an inner-galactic war.
5. Saw For Children
List of X: Sorry, kids, Easter Bunny will be busy this year.
BrainRants: Good improvisation. Creepy clown mask dude. B
Ned: Looks like it’s finally time to see if making your own “lucky” rabbit’s foot works.
6. Go Sit In The Corner For Breaking Bad
Omawarisan: The original disturbs me as much as the altered version. Who would make a little kid churn butter? “That is really hard work”, he said as if he’d ever churned butter. Is tot-churned butter the latest trendy artisanal ingredient?
BrainRants: Yo yo! We makin’ fat stacks, yo! Need me? Leave digits… A-
Ned: I thought Sambo chased a tiger around a tree until it turned into butter? This seems like cheating.
List of X: Well, I’m just glad someone found their chemistry class useful. Or maybe it was a meth class.
Post Script: Chris, research indicates that Burnt Umber is the most frequently used Crayola when coloring underwear skidmarks. Just so you know. — Rants
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