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Caramel Apples Are Disgusting

It officially became fall earlier this week, which means it has officially become the time of year where we must all vociferously express our disdain for all the popular food items, flavors, and fragrances of autumn. We’ve all been exposed to our share of pumpkin spice screeds, but that’s so 2013. This year, we must turn our attention to a more hostile scourge that’s been wreaking havoc under the radar for decades: the caramel apple.

Pure evil.

Pure evil.

Think it'll look like that when you peel the wrapper off?

Think it’ll look like that when you peel the wrapper off?

The most common caramel apple – other than the ones ambitious Pinterest moms undertake in a moment of pure delusion during which they convince themselves that unwrapping 50 caramel candies and getting the molten proceeds to stick to a Granny Smith “won’t be that hard” – is the Affy Tapple (see what they did there?). According to Affy Tapple’s website,

The first Affy Tapple was created by the Kastrup family. According to history, this was the first caramel apple created in the United States-which is why our tagline is “The Original Caramel Apple!” And, we still use the same caramel recipe developed by Mrs. Edna Kastrup in 1948!

Every year these packages line the shelves at fine retailers like Walmart, and people toss them in their shopping carts without realizing that the recipe was developed by a woman named Edna. The entire concept of the caramel apple begs one simple question: Why?

Seemingly, the caramel apple logic is this: “Wouldn’t it be delicious to pour the melted version of another food that gets stuck in your teeth all over this apple? Then! Before it hardens into an impenetrable shell, let’s roll the whole thing in a bowl of chopped nuts and shove a stick in it.” Have you ever eaten a relatively large apple? It’s not easy, and quite frankly, it’s disgusting. Most medium-sized apples take at least 10 bites to consume fully, and these aren’t the modest bites you’d take from an unfulfilling nutri-grain bar you’re calling lunch during your latest diet. These are aggressive chomps—the reminiscent of the bites you’d take from the flank of a boar if we were still hunter/gatherers. In the Official List of Foods That Make You Look Like A Savage While You’re Eating Them, apples come in third place behind corn on the cob and ribs. THIS IS A NOT A FUN FALL DESSERT, THIS IS A GAUNTLET.

Whenever you gnaw through a layer of nuts and caramel, don’t you want to reach something delicious for all your efforts? Maybe you’ll be surprised by a dark chocolate mousse or a nice buttercream filling—not a fucking apple with cyanide seeds. What’s perhaps the most troubling is that apples are ostensibly the fruit that needs the least amount of good press. People already love apples. Eating what fruit keeps the doctor away? Apples. What fruit do people willing bob for in a germ-filled barrel? APPLES. What fruit has an entire technology empire named after it and appears on the backs of countless laptops in Starbucks all over the world? APPLES!

The madness has already started to spread.

The madness has already started to spread.

Apples do not need caramel or nuts. They’re apples—the one fruit that even the pickiest of picky eaters can agree upon. If the challenging consumption factor isn’t enough to steer you away, avoid caramel apples simply because their existence connotes an appalling hubris on the part of its creators. Apples do not need to be cloaked in caramel, drizzled with white chocolate, or nutted on.

Please, stick to your pumpkin spice lattes, your candied corn, and your fourth piece of Halloween candy that exceeded your limit of “just two.” Caramel apples are disgusting, and we need to stop pretending that we’re okay with their existence.

Do not be tempted into thinking this will taste good.

Do not be tempted into thinking this will taste good.


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About Katie (16 Articles)
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @bykatiehoffman.

44 Comments on Caramel Apples Are Disgusting

  1. I had to get a grown after trying to eat one of those! Serves me right,

    Like

  2. I love apples – without caramel. I love caramel – without apples. I love bacon – with everything.

    Did you know that if you whisper “pumpkin spice latte” into a mirror three times, a preppy girl in yoga pants and Uggs will appear and tell you what she loves about Fall?

    Liked by 4 people

    • We have the same symbiotic relationship to apples and caramel. Should I ever be so inclined as to want a preppy girl to tell me why she loves fall, I’ll give that a whirl.

      Like

  3. Bleh. I never did like apples.
    Apple juice, apple cider… NONE of it.
    I love caramel though.
    If they took out the apple and just had a big caramel ball on a stick I’d be a happy camper.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No apples, huh?

      You know, I have a love hate relationship with caramel. Sometimes I like it, but sometimes it’s just too much for me to handle (that’s what she said, and I guess that “she” is me).

      Like

  4. I love caramel apples. Sweet and tart mixed together.

    Like

  5. Over here in England we call them Toffee Apples and the coating is hard and crispy rather than the chewy kind you have there, I always like the idea of them, but the problem I find is that the coating is obviously hot when they dip the apples in and so it kind of soften the apples a bit, just an annoying little bit, so they’ve lost their crispness but haven’t turned into yummy apple pie filling, plus they always seem to use bad bruised apples to start with, thinking that the coating will disguise them, which of course it does, but once the mask is off, yuck!

    Like

    • Maybe the softness is the real problem. But I think the apple is so hard to get to, if the apple stayed crisp, your jaw would literally be too tired to even think of eating it.

      Like

    • I’ve never understood toffee apples either. And how do they get them such a weird red colour? And the toffee tends to break into razorsharp shards. Owww

      Like

  6. I feel the same way, only about candy corn. I hate it more than almost anything in the whole world.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I AGREE! I hate most caramel apples, theyre awful ughhhhh, That stuff gets stuck in your teeth and the apples usually taste too sour.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah! I think it’s because they usually make them using Granny Smith or Gala apples, which aren’t as good as a Red Delicious or a Washington Apple. (Sorry if I just dropped entirely too much apple knowledge in that comment.)

      Like

  8. LuciPaints.wordpress.com // September 25, 2014 at 11:35 am //

    Stick to your candied corn? *gasp* BLASPHEMY.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Nothing beats a caramel apple 😀

    Like

  10. I’d hardly call them disgusting, but I agree that they’re a better idea in concept than execution since they are impossible to eat.

    Like

  11. If you give caramel covered apples to your grand children just before their parents pick them up – you can make a statement of displeasure to your children. 🙂

    Like

  12. If one considers the air stuff that settles on a sticky apple- yes disgusting. But, I have yet to go for a fall mushroom, yes – edible – not toxic – looks firm, like it would cook up fine. it’s yellow (not positive of the spelling, American suelius, AKA – Chicken Fat) I heard it gets slimy and gelatin/yellow when cooked- yuh?

    Like

  13. I am pretty sure that caramel apples are bad for your health, or at least for your teeth. There’s no way I’d try eating one of those ever again. Now slicing it and THEN drizzling caramel over it? Maybe. Maybe then.

    Like

  14. Reblogged this on club east: indianapolis and commented:
    I used to be able to do this stuff when I was drinking. Now that I’m sober, caramel apples are quite revolting. The harsh reality is they always have been. I could just never see the truth of the matter through my own alcoholic haze. I think this is what we call “counting the cost” when we give up drinking.

    Correct me if I’m wrong.

    Like

  15. NotAPunkRocker // September 25, 2014 at 6:14 pm //

    I almost bought Pumpkin Spice gum this evening, except it only came in the three-pack sleeve and I didn’t want to buy that much and end up hating it. Or hating it more and being stuck with two full packs still.

    Like

  16. Next summer can we take on cotton candy, please? That is just crap.

    Like

  17. Caramel apples are perfect for removing unwanted braces.

    Like

  18. They are hard on the teeth! I won’t even attempt to eat one. I do like the apples though and candy corn. Yum. Happy Autumn!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I usually just lick the caramel off and put the apples in my kids’ lunches. Is that wrong?

    Like

  20. I saw those caramel apple oreos the other day and was like “things have gone too far!” /shudder. what’s wrong with just plain apples, and just plain oreos? & don’t even get me started on the pumpkin stuff. It’s so gross.

    Like

  21. Ha hilarious! Thank you! For writing and all the great comments. Made my day.
    I love apples I love ” good caramel” not the junk usually on apples.
    And despise that stuff they call “pumpkin spice” they put in everything from coffee to ice cream. Is it summer yet?

    Like

  22. societycommentator // October 1, 2014 at 8:44 pm //

    I’m with you on the Caramel Apple Oreos. That sounds SO wrong. It would help if it had at least real caramel & apple flavorings, but you know it doesn’t. And with you on Affy Tapples- they sit on the shelf too long & the caramel & the apples get gross. But FRESH caramel apples are WONDERFUL!!!

    Like

  23. Does the same go for candied apples? Because for some strange reason, I can’t pass those things up. It’s completely illogical, but there it is. I feel like a junkie. 😦

    Like

  24. Rhett Butler // December 20, 2014 at 12:19 pm //

    So with you on this. I don’t know what it is about caramel apples that makes them so unpleasant to eat…the stickiness it leaves on your hands, the difficulty in biting/chewing them, the nuts falling off onto the floor and making a mess. I haven’t had one in years, but every now and then the opportunity arises and I do invariably try eating one, and always end up disappointed. I’ll second the motion for you to do a story on cotton candy, another yucky food that people go absolutely crazy over for no reason. On a final note, if you still weren’t convinced that caramel apples are truly the work of the devil, NOW they’re killing people! http://www.foxnews.com/health/2014/12/20/minnesota-links-caramel-apples-2-listeria-deaths/?intcmp=latestnews

    Like

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