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LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES 2014

September 2014 Horoscopes – Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Sudoku Master, Ladies Man, and Crypto-zoologist

 

In September, friendship is magic, because two different astral configurations will operate: first will be the cardinal cross formed by Uranus (located in Aries), Jupiter (in Cancer), Mars (in Libra) and Pluto (in Capricorn). It will have a very stimulating effect, (as does everything that happens in Uranus) but will imply increased risks of conflicts, accidents and violence (as does everything that happens in Uranus). Moreover, this month everything will be on the boil, and situations can turn upside down from one day to the next. In order to win, you need to take action courageously, calmly, prudently and flexibly. Always have a “Plan B” handy and be sure to keep Uranus happy!

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Aries: Aries people will go through a very dynamic and demanding period, which could be marked by stress and various “incidents”. This will especially reflect on work relationships: collaborations, associations, partnerships. A vulnerable area this month could be the one of litigation, trials, competition and rivalry. On the other hand, the passing of the Sun through the sign of Aries will lend you strength, consolidate your authority and help you stand out. Uranus will also recharge your batteries. Beware of conflicts and situations that can generate violence or accidents! This is very important Aries; you must watch the 1988 Romantic Comedy Working Girl starring Melanie Griffith, Harrison Ford, and Sigourney Weaver (with Alec Baldwin and an unknown David Duchovny as an extra during the party scene) at least once a day in order to ensure that an earthquake doesn’t devastate a poor but densely populated portion of South America. Sorry, Aries, that’s just the hand the stars have dealt you this month.

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Taurus : Taurus’ house of couples will not be very happily configured in September. Saturn (that tramp) will enjoy itself while its ruler, Mars, seems to have lost control: exiled and located in a subordinate sector, it can only obey events. (It’s like the horrible book 50 Shades of Grey only a thousand times worse). Something will not go as it should. It’ll be Mars’ fault, which will be retrograde in Taurus’ house of work all throughout the month. Tell your boss that Mars made you lose the big account. Luckily thanks to Uranus, you’ll be excellent as regards to popularity. You can benefit from support in critical moments, so don’t hesitate to ask for it! Uranus holds all the answers. Don’t ignore it! Also Taurus, you must watch as many old episodes of the U.K. version of Big Brother as you possibly can this month. Seasons 9 through 13 preferably. Do not watch the U.S. version! It is imperative that you do this Taurus.

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Gemini: This month, Venus, the planet of love, will govern at the Zenith for Gemini, sending from high above Samsung, the waves of Panasonic sensuality over them. All throughout September love will be celebrated, but in the case of Gemini it can be simultaneously connected to career, status, and public visibility. Uranus will keep awakening the primary instincts, in spite of your nature, which is usually situated in a more rational register. If you want sex or adventure, in September you’ll have them thanks to Uranus. But be careful who with and what conditions in because there’s the risk of some unpleasant consequences. Anyway, Saturn will stay in Gemini’s house of diseases, so health will have to be permanently monitored. Participate in as many official reunions as you can! Do not worry about them being from events or places you may or may not have attended. Participate anyway! Eat at least two grapes every day or all your hair will fall out.

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Cancer: Here is a good month for love relationships or for Cancer people’s marriages! The ruler of Cancer’s house of couples will be in the sector of eroticism and of the romantic thrill, in a splendid configuration with Venus, Jupiter and Uranus. September promises to be a harmonious and sensual month, favorable to sentimental preoccupations and scattered with happy moments thanks to the glowing of Uranus. It is even possible that a special, remarkable event takes place. Be sure to change your oil four times this month but take care to go to four different locations each time. Try to feed as many feral cats as you can and be sure to grocery shop only once this month. Oh and for the love of all that you hold dear, avoid the color green on Thursday.

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Leo: September will be a tumultuous month thanks to Uranus, but Leo will be among the people that can find opportunities right in the middle of this effervescent season. Leo’s career will advance. For now, the interest seems to go especially towards studies or specializations, towards activities that are related to culture, editing or publishing, even towards judicial or legislative preoccupations. Watching all those daytime Judge programs will finally pay off for you Leo! Use what you have learned! Distance-collaboration could be an option but not with Uranus. From the financial point of view, you’ll have bright perspectives in September, especially for earnings through third parties. Pick-pocketing will continue to be a lucrative venture for you. Also you need to acquire as many blank VHS tapes as you can this month. Scour the bottom shelves of every nearby Walgreens and CVS that you can. Maybe Radio Shack too. Anyway, hold them for me until next month. I’ll contact you later.

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Virgo: In September, Virgo’s heart will urge you to love, and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to find what you are looking for thanks to that trip to Thailand that is coming up. If you’re single, there might appear favorable opportunities to meet the right person. If you have an old and stable relationship, affection and harmony will prevail, the partner will have accomplishments or you’ll have the joy of seeing one of your shared dreams come true with a little help from Uranus. If there are trials, you’ll pass them, as one. Still to be safe, all Virgos should stock up on bran muffins to make everything pass successfully. Everything seems to be accomplished easier along with other people. The more people that are involved, the better it will feel. Physically, there shouldn’t be any problems. Nevertheless, since Mercury, Virgo’s ruler, is around Uranus, there could be surprises. And surprises with Uranus can be unpredictable.

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Libra: Retrograde Mars in Libra and Uranus in Libra’s house of couples will turn you into a real Molotov from the sentimental point of view. September will be a very tiring month for Libra people, but with high potential for success and possibly for financial profit mostly from shaking Uranus. Retrograde Mercury will create a proper environment for making things fall into place. However Uranus doesn’t like completely new actions too much, but it can help you with the inventory of your debts and with organizing their paying off, with re-analyzing older projects and if it is worth it, with resuming some of them, examining your activity and re-evaluating their priorities. Use the help from Uranus wisely this month Libra, because it is time to settle up with Jimmy The Nose.

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Scorpio: The planet of love and the ruler of Scorpio’s house of couples, Venus, will be superbly located and will be in excellent terms with Uranus, so September will be the peak of the year when it comes to love. Uranus will help you overwhelm with sensuality and you’ll have high availability for love, flirt and adventure. All inhibitions will go away, prudence will be canceled and anything will be possible. Just like Uranus wants it! However Scorpio, please remember that is unfair to expect your family and friends to continue to provide you with alibis.

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Sagittarius: In September, Mercury (the ruler of Sagittarius’ house of couples) and Uranus will cross your sector of eroticism. The atmosphere will become electrifying, the heart will be full of romantic enthusiasm, and passionate tendencies will grow exponentially without the aid of Cialis. The very strong sexuality will tend to go crazy and make you embark on hot, but troublesome adventures especially when Uranus rises at night. It’s not a good idea to suppress it either, because the unused energy can lead to lack of equilibrium or frustrations in the constellation blue balls. Don’t mix money with love and friendship and don’t mix kerosene with styrofoam! Collect as many sporks as you can and start stockpiling them this month. It is very important that you do this Sagittarius.

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Capricorn: The trine that Venus, the planet of love, will form with Uranus promises a special accomplishment in relation to partnerships. In September, Capricorn’s relationships will be animated and picturesque thanks to Uranus. Communication will be very rich and the romantic flow will grow by discussions to each other, by long phone conversations or by mail if you are somehow stuck in 1982. In addition to the stress you’ve been fighting against for several months, in September you’ll also have to face some tension related to career, home or parents that will permanently keep you alert. Do not sleep! Hydra agents are everywhere! If you cut off one head, two more take its place! It’s less likely that health problems will appear, but be careful though, because there will be a predisposition towards irritability and “accidents”. Check your brake lines often. Hail Hydra.

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Aquarius: September will help you advance professionally much further than you would have expected. Venus, the Lesser Benefic, will successively form a trine with Jupiter and Uranus, closing a superb triangle that connects Aquarius’ vocational houses to each other: the house of career, the house of current work and the house of money. More than this, the triangle will form in water signs (with Venus in Pisces, Jupiter in Cancer and Saturn in Scorpio), and water means fruitfulness. It also means wet, so bring a mop, and a sponge, and watch Uranus. Be careful when traveling and when taking trips in general! Aquarius’ axis of movement will be tense, marked by oppositions and by a Moon phase. Accidents can take place when behind the wheel, when riding the bike, roller-skating or on foot, even inside the house (staircases, wet floor, etc.). Not all Aquarius people will have accidents of course, but there is a 99% risk, so again, you’d better watch Uranus.

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Pisces: This September Venus, the planet of love, will arrive in Pisces. And it won’t come empty-handed, but will bring the best it has got: charm, elegance, a box of wine, good mood, flowers from a gas station, good luck, sensuality, and a great capacity to seduce thanks to its massive collection of Barry White albums. And that’s not all: Venus will also form a splendid trine with Uranus located precisely in Pisces’ house of love and eroticism. Happiness will be in the air and all you have to do is reach your hand out to get it from Uranus. If you have a relationship, you’ll enjoy delightful days by the side of your partner. If you’re single, it’ll be taken care of! It’ll be one of the most favorable periods of the year to meet someone, so sign up for as many adult online dating sites as possible and start posting pictures of your genitals right away! For maximum magnification, use manual focus and set the lens to its minimum focusing distance. Move the camera closer to the subject until it’s in focus. Close-up lenses work better with telephoto lenses than shorter focal lengths. The longer the focal length of your lens, the more magnification you will gain by attaching a close-up filter.

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Uranus.

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About Jack DeVoss (77 Articles)
Jackson Holden Solo DeVoss learned how to write poems from an old blind man he met while incarcerated in a Madagascan prison for crime he did not commit. After serving three long hard years, Solo was finally paroled when a wealthly lady friend paid the ransom for his release. Solo then traveled to a Shaolin monastery located high in the mountains of Myanmar; where he learned the mastery of many mystical and ancient arts from the Head Abbot, a crippled monk named Brother Lars who quoted Oscar Wilde too often. Two years later, Brother Lars and most of the other monks were killed - during an attack that was carried out under the cover of a horrendous snowstorm by ninja assassins of the Dark Hand Cult. Solo and a few others escaped, but the monastery was burnt to the ground. After slumming around Southeast Asia for five years, Solo migrated back to his home in the United States - where he became a vigilante crimefighter, fighting against the nefarious schemes of the Dark Hand Cult and its ninja assassins. He also published his first book, 'Names For Boys And Girls' and a collection of poems entitled 'Columbus Lost Another Genius'. Solo now lives in an abandoned church in Columbus, Ohio where he writes freelance, fights crime, and has a major drinking problem.

4 Comments on LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES 2014

  1. I just quickly scanned my horoscope, did not finish reading it and decided to post a comment. It’s a darn good thing I create my own life and not build my life around what others say my life will be or should be. I’ve walked out of the box and I do plan on staying there. Building and creating my own life is at times scary, but yet, I and I alone am responsible for it. I used to follow astrology and I became aware that I was looking for those things that were predicted to happen, instead of living from my Heart. Just a few of my own thoughts. Love, Amy

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  2. The position of Uranus has a strong influence on the population this month, I’m understanding.

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  3. I’m a Libra, and I very much wish Libra had a cooler symbol. Just saying, the scales are not all that badass. Why couldn’t we have a sword or something. Why scales?!

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