That’s right…we told a joke that your Great Uncle Herbert or your Dad might tell. It’s not beneath us.
We went for the cheap laughs.
We will do it again.
We do not feel like we have had enough to drink yet…nor do we feel like we are ruining Little Johnny’s 6th birthday party!
Just so you know, we are not just about the bad jokes or falling drunk in the pool at kid’s birthday parties…
…actually we are.
Never mind all that, here are some interesting nail facts to educate you:
1) Fingernails grow an average of 3.5 millimeters per month.
-That’s slower than a killer Brown Bear’s nails but faster than Bear Grylls nails. He tends to bite them off and use them for shelter.
2) Nails are made out of the same stuff as hair.
-So if you are bald, just save a bunch of your nail clippings and paste them to your head.
3) Nails grow faster in the summer than in the winter.
– That’s because nails like Beach Boy music and hate Coldplay.
4) Your nails need blood to survive.
– That’s because they are mini vampires. Ten mini vampires that try to attack you in your sleep unbeknownst to you. Pleasant dreams!
5) Stress can take a toll on your nails.
– You should take care of the stress levels that your nails experience. That’s why people bite them and why your nails develop a severe Frozen Margarita problem.
Some of that is true and some of that is semi-true.
1. Edward Scissornails
BrainRants: I approve of this because Edward Scissorhands is creepy, and creepy shit is awesome.
Omawarisan: How do you use toilet paper if you’ve got Edward Scissornails?
Jack: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye – because you went to brush your hair out of your face and you have 9 minature scissors on your fingertips.
Ned: Edward Scissorhands or not, it seems to me these nails would make it hard to trim your bush.
2. 8 Bit Nail
BrainRants: This would be certain to drive me batshit because I’d try to Tetris the nails and my fingers don’t normally bend sideways. Yet.
Omawarisan: How many fingers do you have to lose before the little guy comes out and does that Russian dance?
Jack: Come on! I need a pinkie nail and all that keeps dropping are ring fingers! DAMNIT!
Ned: If any of those configurations come up when I start my Windows program, I generally grab my baseball bat.
3. Ba-dum, Ba-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum, Da-dum….
BrainRants: The shark – appropriately – also can double as a package opener, weapon, or coke spoon. So I’m told.
Omawarisan: You’re going to need a bigger hand.
Ned: Just when you thought it was safe to pick your nose…
4. Little Mernail
BrainRants: No. This is a combination of parasitic blue sparklefish and decapitated woman… or ‘Hey, my thumbnail has a bowtie, and sushi!’
Omawarisan: Ah, The Little Mermaid. Speaking of movies I didn’t see, this reminds me of that movie where they gave that dolphin a prosthetic tail. Didn’t see that one either. It was too unrealistic. No way a dolphin meets the deductible on a prosthesis.
Ned: It looks like the shark nail got here first.
5. How Am I Going To Get My Ring On? Get it? Ring?
BrainRants: See comment above re.: Edward Scissorhands… CTRL-C, CTRL-V.
Omawarisan: See comment above re: didn’t see it.
Jack: seven days….
Ned: At least it’s on The Ring finger. Next week: Lord of the Rings finger.
6. Indiana Jones And The Temple Of The Nail
BrainRants: Uhm… could also be a vagrant at twilight with his pet snake, or possibly a hipster boasting about the epic turd he just backed out.
Omawarisan: I know that they were going for a fire kind of look, but all I see is candy corn.
Jack: I hate it when my thumbnail has 5 o’clock shadow.
Ned: Say what you want, Brain Rants, but it takes a steady hand to paint a pubic hair. Uh, I imagine.
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