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How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

It’s inevitable.  You’re comfortable on your morning commute and just about to raise that thermal mug of delightful coffee to your lips for a sip.  From the fast lane, a minivan executes a three-lane kamikaze dive from hell toward the off-ramp.  From the on-ramp preceding it, an SUV careens blindly into traffic as the driver babbles away into a cell phone in open defiance of the law.

The two entitled, clueless assholes both cross your lane only feet in front of you, forcing you to avoid death with a wicked Tokyo glide.  As the coffee scalds the softer parts in your lap, you manage to maintain a kung-fu grip on the steering wheel to complete the three-sixty and eventually make it to the cube farm on time.  You worry that your fellow cube monkeys will not believe you, thinking instead you are incontinent and have pissed yourself.

Both douchebag drivers in this scenario of course self-identify not only by their poor driving skills, but also by these ubiquitous, irritating decals on the rear glass:

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These are a sure sign you are trailing an idiot.  Even better, some opt to customize them into Star Wars families, zombies, or some other idiotic representation of saccharine cutesey-ness that makes normal humans power-hurl.  Some trail figures all the way across the glass, shouting to the world that not only are you an idiot who can’t master contraception, but that you’re one who’s attempting to breed we normal people out of existence.

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Then there are the oval sticker dorks.  The craze began with standardized, recognizable acronyms for European countries.  You could announce your effete douchebag tourist status without a word.  Now, there are pictograms, contractions, names and logos that have meaning only to the ‘tard gripping the wheel of the offending car.  They’re less entertaining than memes and more obscure than those clever personalized plates that nobody can decipher.

A sure sign that these car sticker crazes are on the downside are these counter-stickers:

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… and …

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You can fight back now… provided you’re stupid enough to put a sticker on your heap of shitmobile.

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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

20 Comments on How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

  1. I have zombie family stickers.. does that make me crazy or awesome?

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  2. Actually, I once read something about how dumb it is to have those stickers. Because you’re pretty much telling any possible kidnappers or robbers or whatever exactly which kids you have and if little Timmy plays basketball so you’ll be away watching his games.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OMFG! Hahaha. Thanks for the laugh this morning! This is my life as I am a commuter (hense my blog title) my douche bag post is in cue as this is just another day in paradise for me. Love your writing!

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  4. Just yes. I have a sticker of a stick family for my daughter’s room, but I agree that announcing to the world via my vehicle that the only people in my house are me and a little girl is just asking for trouble.

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  5. Perhaps they aren’t stick figures‚ maybe they are confirmed kills.

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  6. I’ve seen those oval stickers. That’s just begging for attention, isn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Here’s a question: why do all the stick-figure families have traditional parents? Well I know why, and I have decided that I will not display my family in stick-figure form until homosexuals everywhere are afforded the same opportunity to participate in douchebagdom that is granted to every US citizen.

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  8. I’ll go you one better: what about special interest stickers, huh? I see the ones all the time that show people hunting or fishing or dancing, but who is representing the poor guy who might not be so macho, or the woman who lacks coordination? My America has stickers of pot-bellied men in bowling shoes and plump ladies surrounded by foul-smelling cats (although I am not sure how one might demonstrate “foul smelling” in sticker form. Stinklines, maybe…). Or what about the Fifty Shades lady who is into BDSM or the dude who is all about auto-erotic asphyxiation? Do they get a sticker? Don’t tell me they cost too much money to make, because you could use the same hanging family sticker up-top there. Believe me, there’s a market in this that I just might take advantage of because, ‘Murica.

    Liked by 1 person

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