7:58p – Billy Bush signs off from the red carpet and I breathe a sigh of relief that I missed Billy Bush talking to people on the red carpet. We’re in commercials and two minutes away from the start of the 2104 Emmy awards on NBC where the executives at NBC will get to watch HBO, AMC, CBS, FX, ABC, Netflix, and even the goddamn CW win everything.
8:00p – Here’s Seth Myers host of the 66th Emmy awards live from the Noika Theater. Noika, that’s still a thing? Anyway, Seth welcomes us and makes the same MTV doesn’t play videos anymore jokes that I made last night during my live blog of the VMAs.
8:02p – Seth actually makes a funny joke. It’s his first and probably his last.
8:03p – Seth talks with his hands a whole lot. I feel like I’m watching that guy who translated Nelson Mandela’s funeral into fake sign language.
8:08p – Holy hand grenade of Antioch, this monologue is still going on! Seth compares movies to a high maintenance girlfriend and TV to f*ck buddy.
8:09p – Seth introduces Beyonce who in reality is Amy Poehler who then comes up and tells a funny joke that blows all of Seth’s jokes out of the water. She is here to present Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. There are 117 nominees. Ty Burrell from Modern Family wins his second Emmy. Our Score so far: ABC 1 and Everyone Else 0.
8:12p – Commercials
8:16p – Our next presenters are manic dream pixie Zooey Deschanel from New Girl and Allison Williams from Girls.
They are here for Best Writing in a Comedy Series. Louis C.K. wins his sixth Emmy because he is a funny mofo.
8:18p – Seth introduces late night rival Jimmy Kimmel who comes out and much like Amy Poehler out funnies Seth Myers so much that I wish he was hosting. Jimmy does a solid minute and a half of funny stuff just about Matthew McConaughey. He is presenting Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. Allison Janney who was awesome on The West Wing now wins for a meh comedy called Mom which airs on CBS so our new score is: ABC 1, FX 1, CBS 1, Everyone Else 0
8:23p – Commercials
8:27p – We’re back with Hayden Panettiere who is pregnant and is wearing another plunging neckline that shows us a whole lot of mama’s milk.
Uzo Adubla from Orange is the New Black then arrives on stage to present Best Direction in a Comedy Series. Again, there are 157 nominees. Gail Mancuso wins for Modern Family. Gail directs her acceptance speech directly to Matthew McConaughey and shows us why she directs a comedy show. They start to play her off, our first play off of the night! New Emmy score: ABC 2, CBS 1, FX 1, Everyone Else 0
8:33p – Seth is back with Billy Eichner from Billy on the Street which is a funny little show on Fuse TV. Seth and Billy then play a pre-recorded Billy on the Street where Billy becomes the 5th person to out funny Seth Myers tonight.
8:36p – Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Bryan Cranston are next and Julia calls out Bryan’s pencil thin moustache look by calling him Clark Gable. They do a funny bit where Julia doesn’t remember him from when they were on Seinfeld together and then present Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. Jim Parsons wins his 4th Emmy for The Big Bang Theory. CBS takes another. New score: ABC 2, CBS 2, FX 1, Everyone Else 0
8:39p – Commercials
8:43p – Seth introduces Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon who is presenting Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series. Julia Louis-Dreyfus wins for Veep and has to get back on stage but first is sexually assaulted by Bryan Cranston.
This is Julia’s third consecutive win and she thanks HBO and calls it her absolute favorite place she has ever worked live on her former network NBC. New score: ABC 2, CBS 2, HBO 1, FX 1, Everyone Else 0
8:47p – Mindy Kaling and Carson Daly are next to present Best Reality Competition Program.
The Amazing Race wins its 10th Emmy in this category. I watch Big Brother and Survivor but have never seen a single episode of The Amazing Race even though former Big Brother and Survivor contestants are on it all the time. 48 people walk on stage and accept the one trophy they are giving out. New score: CBS 3, ABC 2, HBO 1, FX 1, Everyone Else 0
8:50p – Commercials
8:54p – Seth welcomes us back and starts doing a Q&A with the audience. Jon Hamm is first up and is not funny. Melissa McCarthy is second and she is funny. Third up is Andre Braugher who asks for the key to the bathroom. Juliana Margulies is fourth and her jokes makes Jon Hamm funny. Fred Armison appears dressed like Elvis Costello and the bit ends. Seth announces a genre change! We’re done with Comedy and are going to the Drama awards!
8:57p – Allison Janney and Octavia Spencer are introduced and are here to present Outstanding Writing in a Mini-Series, Movie or Television Special. Steven Moffat wins for Sherlock: His Last Vow which gets PBS on the board before NBC. New score: CBS 3, ABC 2, HBO 1, FX 1, PBS 1
8:59p – Janney and Spencer are still with us to present Outstanding Supporting Actress in a mini-series or movie. Kathy Bates wins for American Horror Story: Coven where her character was the funniest racist this side of Hazard County. New score: CBS 3, ABC 2, FX 2, HBO 1, PBS 1, NBC 0
9:02p – Commercials
9:06p – Seth introduces another late night competitor, Stephen Colbert who will be taking over The Late Show from David Letterman. Colbert stands on stage and talks to an imaginary friend named Roscoe. It’s kind of creepy. After his imaginary friend abandons him, he presents Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Mini-Series or Movie. Martin Freeman wins for Sherlock: His Last Vow but is not there so Colbert accepts in his place. PBS is racking them up now! New score: CBS 3, ABC 2, PBS 2, FX 2, HBO 1
9:09p – Scott Bakula and Kate Walsh are next to introduce Outstanding Direction in a Mini-Series, Movie or Dramatic Special. There is no teleprompter so they do not banter. In fact Bakula doesn’t speak at all. The Emmy goes to Colin Bucksey for Fargo which was awesome and I recommend highly. New Score: CBS 3, FX 3, ABC 2, PBS 2, HBO 1
9:12p – Commercials
9:16p – Seth is back onstage with Amy Poehler to redo an old SNL Weekend Update routine, this time about Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. With a funny person next to him, Seth is able to be funny. Anyway, the bit is ok and Woody and Matthew come out. Woody does a spot on impersonation of Matthew. They are wearing matching dinner jackets except Woody’s is red and Matthew’s is blue.
Matthew and Woody announce Outstanding Lead Actor in a Mini-Series or Movie and Benadryl Cumquat wins for Sherlock: His Last Vow and PBS may be running away with this thing! Balderdash Cummerbund is not there to accept. New score: CBS 3, PBS 3, FX 3, ABC 2, HBO 1
9:20p – Commercials
9:24p – Liev Schreiber and Kerry Washington are here to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Mini-Series or Movie. Washington and Schreiber and both intense and no-nonsense and get right to the damn point. Jessica Lange wins for American Horror Story: Coven. New score: FX 4, CBS 3, PBS 3, ABC 2, HBO 1
9:27p – Seth Myers brings out another old SNL buddy, Andy Samberg who is going to talk about theme songs. They then intro “Weird” Al Yankovic who is going to perform updated versions of today’s TV themes for some reason.
Mad Men, Scandal, Homeland, Modern Family; Game of Thrones are the victims. The Game of Thrones part is the longest and thankfully the funniest.
9:32p – Speaking of Game of Thrones, Lena Headley is introduced to present Best Mini-Series but first is interrupted by Andy Samberg as King Joffrey. Lena handles the ad-lib very well. Fargo wins best mini-series because it was awesome. New score: FX 5, CBS 3, PBS 3, ABC 2, HBO 1
9:35p – Commercials
9:39p – Juliana Margulies of The Good Wife is our next presenter. She says nothing except to intro the nominees for Outstanding Television Movie. It’s oddly quick and weird. Anyway, The Normal Heart wins. New score: FX 5, CBS 3, PBS 3, ABC 2, HBO 2
9:43p – Ricky Gervais comes out and no one throws anything at him. He complains about the fact that he has been nominated 21 times but has lost 19 of them. Susan Lucci eat your heart out. Gervais decides to go ahead and read his acceptance speech for the award he lost to Jim Parsons earlier. It’s quite funny and then he presents Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special. Sarah Silverman wins for Sarah Silverman: We are Miracles. She is wearing a plunging neckline show me the boobs dress too and tells us we are all made of molecules. Ok. New score: FX 5, CBS 3, PBS 3, HBO 3, ABC 2
9:47p – Commercials
9:51p – Seth introduces Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele from Comedy Central’s Key & Peele. They do a bit where they improve on top of each other and then introduce some accountants from Ernst & Young. I hope these aren’t the same accountants from Ernst & Young who totally screwed up my taxes when I was an ex-pat living in Ireland, because if they are, I now know what they look like and will have my revenge. I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!
9:53p – Chris Hardwick is next and calls out the internet trolls. So he’s calling me out. Thanks Chris. Hardwick presents Outstanding Directing in a Variety Series. Glenn Weiss who just happens to be directing this year’s Emmy Awards wins for directing last year’s Tony Awards and accepts from the control booth because he’s f*cking working right now. New score: FX 5, CBS 4, PBS 3, HBO 3, ABC 2
9:56p – NBC brings out Gwen Stefani and Adam Levine because they need to plug The Voice. Gwen and Adam struggle with the teleprompter and intro the nominees for Outstanding Variety Series. The Colbert Report wins and Gwen has no idea how to pronounce Colbert. Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon appear. Fallon calls out Gwen for saying Colbert wrong and accepts the award instead because obviously there was some mistake. New score: FX 5, CBS 4, PBS 3, HBO 3, ABC 2, Comedy Central 1
9:59p – Commercials
10:03p – Sofia Vergara is announced to introduce the President of Television who has Sofia stand on a rotating platform so we can all turn a talented actress into a piece of meat in a store window. It’s degrading and awful and Sofia deserves better because she is awesome.
The President of Television reads a speech about how TV won World War I or something. I don’t know. Whatever. He’s a douche. My God, has this thing really been on for two hours?
10:06p – Lucy Liu comes on stage to present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Aaron Paul wins for Breaking Bad, bitch. He tells us he’s going to throw up. Me too Aaron. New score: FX 5, CBS 4, PBS 3, HBO 3, ABC 2, Comedy Central 1, AMC 1
10:11p – Time for the In Memoriam segment. Once again the audience is muted so no applause can show that some deceased people are more famous than other deceased people. It is well done and segues into Billy Crystal who is here to eulogize Robin Williams.
Billy’s monologue is amazing and is followed by clips of Robin Williams’ brilliance. Very well done from start to finish.
10:20p – Commercials
10:24p – Debra Messing and Jim Parsons are introduced by Seth with an absolute horrible joke that I think killed at least two puppies. Jim thankfully does not acknowledge it and instead goes right into the nominees for Outstanding Directing in a Drama Series. Cary Joji Fukunaga wins for True Detective. He got his start as a PA on a Destiny’s Child video which once again proves that Beyonce is responsible for all media. New score: FX 5, CBS 4, HBO 4, PBS 3, ABC 2, Comedy Central 1, AMC 1
10:26p – Messing and Parsons are still with us and announce the nominees for Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series goes to Anna Gunn for Breaking Bad. The onslaught of Breaking Bad awards has officially begun. Alright, new score: FX 5, CBS 4, HBO 4, PBS 3, ABC 2, AMC 2, Comedy Central 1
10:29p – Commercials
10:33p – Katherine Heigl is here to announce Emmys that were already awarded so, bppptpththththhhhhhhhttttt who cares?
10:34p – Joe Morton is here now to present the award for Outstanding Writer in a Drama Series. Moira Walley-Beckett wins for writing an episode of Breaking Bad and then proceeds to show why she writes words down and doesn’t speak them out loud. They play her off. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! New score: FX 5, CBS 4, HBO 4, AMC 3, PBS 3, ABC 2, Comedy Central 1
10:37p – Viola Davis is next. She is here to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series. Juliana Margulies wins for The Good Wife. They don’t play her off. New score total please! FX 5, CBS 5, HBO 4, AMC 3, PBS 3, ABC 2, Comedy Central 1
10:40p – Commercials
10:44p – Seth introduces Julia Roberts who walks on stage to present Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series. Bryan Cranston wins his 5th Emmy and his 4th for Breaking Bad. Bryan is shocked that Matthew McConaughey didn’t win and tells us that growing up his family nicknamed him Sneaky Pete. New score: FX 5, CBS 5, HBO 4, AMC 4, PBS 3, ABC 2, Comedy Central 1
10:50p – Jay Leno comes out to present for Best Comedy Series. Modern Family wins its 5th consecutive Emmy in this category. They play them off because it’s 10:52pm. New score tally: FX 5, CBS 5, HBO 4, AMC 4, PBS 3, ABC 3, Comedy Central 1
10:53p – Commercials
10:56p – Halle Berry quickly announces the nominees for Best Drama Series. Breaking Bad wins because no one else can have any Emmys. They get played off too. Ha! That’s my favorite part!
10:58p – We’re done with two minutes to spare. Final score: FX 5, CBS 5, AMC 5, HBO 4, PBS 3, ABC 2, Comedy Central 1, NBC 0, Seth Myers, -12
See ya next year when Breaking Bad doesn’t win squadoosh because they ended the series! Also, please never do this on a Monday after the VMAs again.